I walked away a month ago with my 23 months old son and am staying over friends 800km far and now my life is rolling down and I cannot see the end of it. Help me!!!
My husband and I have had lots of discordances lately. Last time I got mad and left was because he had organized a party inviting everyone, including his mother, at the house his ex-wife had rented, and he told me that just an evening before just to tell me he would like to have our son over also. It was Easter and his other kids had come on vacation (2 kids from previous marriage leaving 1200km far from us). I said not only NO, but packed and left. I felt so small and stupid I had to leave.
My friend who lives 860 km away sheltered us ever since. My MIL through me out of her apartment when I was 6 months pregnant after she called me names and wanted to hit me, in the middle of the night. There was never a discussion between us, she is schizophrenic. I never forgive her, I couldn’t. I expected my H to take a position he never did. I expected that because this so called mother left him and his sister for another man at that time and they got scorbutic because had nothing to eat and couldn’t. I have appreciated always the fact his ex has been discrete and never disturbed our private life and that she has never crossed any borders but we are not friends and cannot be a big family and I know he did it on purpose to hurt me. I was the 100th time I got the impression he doesn’t have Principe and accused him of missing them. My H is a survival and those don’t have Principe so any use to tell them and make them think about them. I come from a solid family where values are still taught. Anyways.
I moved out. In the mean time we had some discussions over mail. I understood he was angry but still had hoped he would think over and come against all that for his family. No use to say that wasn’t an option. I asked him to call often the baby as he was suffering. He then came over last w-e to see the baby and I tried to talk to him. There was sth wrong I couldn’t name. He became hysteric when I tried to talk again and so he left afterwards. When he left I went back to the apartment to pick up the rest of the docs and to hand in some administrative files I was obliged to. I found the lock of the door changed. I filed a police report and they told me I could open the door (force the opening) as that was still our house. I did it, I found the force in me to do it, and when I entered, I found all my personal belongings had been removed but not the furniture for which I paid. I was completely shocked but cold. I picked up some stuff for the baby, than left a post-note-it in almost all big furniture naming it was mine and left. I went again at the police station and reported the removal of my stuff. They told me there wasn’t much to do since it can note be theft between the two spouses. Anyways, the next day I talked to the social assistant offered at the police stations to « victims » like me. She told me there were other reports by him on me.
I left the city and the country and went back to my child. I sent him a mail informing I had forced, as the law suggests, the opening of the door and that I hoped one day, he had the guts to explain he had closed the door to us sth the child « had to value » and that’s it. I was shocked to learn he had filed a police report on me and that he had seen a divorce lawyer already and that he had removed all my stuff and put them in his sister’s garage without telling me. I am always under shock since I don’t see much of reasons to come to this point. Of course there is, he didn’t respect me or trusted me enough but that is because of his previous life, not mine. I am so confused I had to do with such a manipulative person and had no clue. I feel so bed I will be connected forever with someone like him because of the child.
Please give me some advice, how is this going to end?
I hate to tell you this, but you are the only one who can determine how this will end. I can't predict it and no one here can. I wish I had a magic wand for you to fix all of this. If I did, I'd use it myself. The best thing you can do at this point is take care of your baby and do things that will make you happy. Get your stuff back and start putting your life back together. You cannot wait for him to come to his senses and be the person you thought he was. All you can do is make yourself happy. Perhaps he'll see this "new you" and decide that he'd rather stay and fight. I can't promise that. I can promise that you will have the skills needed to live a happier life. Only you can determine the outcome. Take your control back. Best wishes!
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
I have started being cold most of the time and I am really happy about it. He has sent me 3 e-mails today and in all of them I see a tired lost person. I used to cry a lot before and question why someone can be so mean and unjust towards someone else, besides, how could he be so towards someone he was suppsed to love the most...naive I know.
In one of them he informs me my stuff is back in the house, and I think that is the price he paid for being so cynic and small. He keeps on accusing me of more, he has now opened again the old books, but this time, he won't get through me because I am now cold and he cannot hurt me.
All what worries me is how possibly can we end up in being so small and against each other. We had a great love... a friend of mine and the social worked told me I'm paying his mother's "bills"...his mother abandoned him when he was 15 for another man. She keeps on appearing on his life only when broken peaces are left to be collected. He has written today a mail where in 5 paragraphs 3 are about my friend who hosted us. What a shame to CC her to this message. She is now very upset and I find it right.
I didn't answer much to him. One sentence does the think when we have been repeating and repeating and repeating over and over the same things and he won't understand. No use to spend more time on explaining things he should know.
My problems are other right now...and I am so unprepared to all this...where are we going to end it all and how.
Wow ADM, I have a kinda different view here. One thing in my mind that needs to be clarified, is why was the party at his ex wifes house? Did they have a child together?
If so, it seems kinda unfair to make that an issue to walk out and move 800 kilometers away over. To be honest, if my wife did that to me, I'd pack her stuff up and change the locks too. You also seem too focused on his past and his mothers past. That might explain some of it, but it's really of very little use "In the now" so to speak.
As for the furniture you paid for, keep in mind you left it. You're angry the other stuff was packed off, yet also angry that the furniture wasn't. It sounds kind of like your Husband was "damned if he did, damned if he didn't", to be honest.
It sounds kinda like he might be trying to make some sort of effort, actually. He put it up for safe keeping. Some people (like my ex) would have sold it or simply carried it to the curb.
You mention you have left before. Leaving a lot isn't good. I can tell you from a mans point of view, the woman you love leaving is scary. And I also know that if it happened fairly often, I'd get weary of the roller coaster.
Maybe I'm reading this wrong, admittedly, but even your version of events makes me feel a little like your husband might not be as out-of-line as you say he is. I can say that moving 800 kilometers away with my son over a fight about a Family Easter party would really tick me off, even if I was out of line about the party. Did your Husband and his Ex have a child together?
Life may be short, but . . . well . . . it actually IS short, now that I think about it . . . . particularly when compared to planetary formation and stuff.
Wow, are you my husband? I hope not, because it is very ugly to read these stuff legitimised over a man's point of view just twice.
Sir, my husband had already made a police report times ago and after he left the police station he seduced me at home, consoled my mother over the phone and also, made a "great effort" to colorize the relationship. I felt super used and abused when I learned that. He had already seen a divorce lawyer and when he made the calculus, he figured out divorce was expensive and thus made the scenario you are reading, eventually upside down, upstairs. He made it up all.
I understand your anger and your point of view, but is that right just because you think likewise? That is my question? Or is that a man's ego talking from the man's world?
And yes, they had two children and that doesn't console me at all.
I do appreciate, however, your point of view. Would you tell me more on how this will end up, since now I am on the side of the law and he, admittedly, had thought he did it right using the law? Or, more, would you tell me how it would have this to end?
