A very Toxic situation, but I need to repair this

[knightinneed]

Ok here is my sitch, i am going to hit the high points and try to summarize this thing as best as I can.

- W and I married 1 year together 2 years total
- Red flags were there before marriage - with her being destructive
- Mutual verbal abuse and jealousy likely caused by my snooping which was seen as projecting cheating or wanting to cheat on my part
- Arguments over her facebook usage, male friends (no cheating), my smoking, child support on previous child which she felt was holding us back financially
- She claims I am indecisive, immature, basically wasnt being a true Man
- She became verbally abusive as well and destructive, sometimes hitting me and biting
- I made the mistake of running off to the casino after 2 fights and staying till the early AM and losing money : ( W believed I was cheating which I was not

- I do believe W has serious anger issues, and myself to some degree
- We became toxic, but when it wasnt it was very good.

- CPS became involved because my sister basically lied to the police about my daughter getting nursemaid elbow - she is an infant and had it 2 times but the doctors advised it was normal

- My sister made a false claim after i called the police on W for hitting - biting me and tearing up my stuff in the house
- My wife never abused our DD

- I called police to teach her lesson about being physically abusive which backfired when my sister came over

- Wife filed a EPO against me in anger, but this was dropped in court by judge - afterwards W came home and we were able to mellow things out and calm down and begin marriage counseling

-Things finally mellowed for a bit, but after all the previous issues regarding the Casino trips, my weight gain (gained 35 lbs), W stopped being intimate, I believe the weight gain and my low self esteem killed her attraction in addition to her thinking I cheated


-With No sex, things were still ok i suppose. We slept in same bed, and spent all our time together pretty normally.


- CPS rose its ugly head, and investigated us hard due to the domestic Violence claims and EPO stuff, they centered in on DD's nursemaid elbow issue which is BS because no ever was abusive to DD

- W freaked out about DD being taken away, and became very mean and cold to me blaming me and my sister for everything.

- After CPS hearing W went hysterical and they advised for her to move out of the family home for a month with DD. In court they added No contact between us

- W's car broke down right after the hearing and she came back to our house tried to take my car. W became hysterical and bit me again after us arguing, and me not letting her leave with it

- W was arrested for assault and went to jail - she said that any chance of reconcilliation ended after this day (she was in anger)

This caused DD to be put in foster care which My sister is stepping up to be guardian




I have had no contact with W but miss her immensely, due to the courts she had to leave the home. I know she is blaming me for this all and her friend said she wants a divorce definatley.

I many ways i cant blame her due to all the mistakes made in this relationship. But I do recognize the error of my ways and hers, and I making changes with counseling, anti-depressants, losing weight to get back to the weight I was at when we met, being more of a man, rather then a whiney, complaining spouse who could not deal with her hysterical behavior.

I think had I been more calm and cool, rather then fighting with her things would not be as they would. My W had become very nasty with me with verbal abuse, typical WAW behavior.

I talked to my Ws best friend a couple of times, and now she said W is much more calm but definitely wants a Divorce. She also said W probably needed to be put in jail to learn consequences for her actions.

When W is calm she is sweet as can be honestly and a great mom and wife. Its just she is unable to handle stress sometimes and can snap, she could be bi-polar.

Ws friend said that though she is saying divorce, it could be she is still mad and has not filed it yet.

I am in IC and seeking help for anger management and communication issues, I am not drinking or doing drugs, and have religion in my life again and have been praying for reunification of my family.


We go to court again on the 20th in which i suspect guardianship to my sister, though Ws friend said W believes she will get DD back. I told W's friend I wanted at least joint custody of DD, but i may go for full custody if we are unable to work through our issues as a family, because if W does not get help, i do not feel she deserves full custody.

I am struggling hard without DD and Wife, and it is killing me.

I just would like some input from you guys on how to handle this situation, and would DB apply after no contact is lifted?

If gucci, puppy, robx, coach could offer some insight here i would really appreciate it.

[gucci loafer]

Here is my advice..

Go read Steve McQueen's thread "Can I bum a light"

Then copy what he did as closely as possible...

Let her go. Start dating other women. Be happy. Have fun.


It is that simple. AND it works to bring them back.

[knightinneed]

Gucci, the one fear I would have about the dating part is that she told her friend she would not date until she is divorced.

Now if I were to date, and then she did Id be afraid of her having sex with someone else.

Up till this point, there have been no A's and no cheating.

That part scares me, because I dont want to envision her banging someone else because I am dating.

The advice seems easier when an A is happening rather then when there is not.

[ShockedOne]

Knight, has your W been to any doctors about possible depression issues or even possible bi-polar.

[knightinneed]

Shocked one, she is now being forced into anger management, parenting, and 1 on 1 IC due to court. She has not had any previous help, did lexapro for a little while years before we met, but nothing recent.

Shocked one, i know she def has anger issues, and well Bipolar could be part of it, or even post partum depression as my sister stated could be her issue.

I did get to see DD today, and that made me feel so good. Its like I felt if I could just hold her all weekend and be with her it would take so much of the pain away. I still have 12 days until court.

I wish i could detach from all this, but its been to heart wrenching, after upping the Anti-d's to 40 mg I am hoping for some relief from the anxiety and pain of it all.

I am turning to god more then I ever have in my life as W had started too a few months after we married.

[SDFoundGirl]

Until she works on her issues, she's no good for a relationship with anybody. She is out of control. And although she hasn't done anything to your DD *yet*, what happens when DD turns into a typical snarky teenager and makes your W angry?

Rational people do not bite others. The last time I was bitten was in Kindergarten, and H would do that *ONCE* and he would be gone.

You have no boundaries, and she does not respect boundaries. It remains to be seen whether your W is capable of being an adult in a mature relationship. In the meantime, work on yourself. What is it in you that allows someone else to bite you? To be more worried about HER D'ing you rather than the other way around?

SD

[knightinneed]

SD - I am very forgiving, and i understand that I made some huge mistakes in our relationship by perpetuating arguments I suppose.

During arguments some times I would make empty threats like D, and for to go leave rather then myself leaving.

I have been pondering if all the back and forth button pushing made her SNAP???

Usually SD we would find a way to calm down and get back to being a couple, but when intimacy started to wain she became increasingly verbally abusive to me.

We have had financial struggles and she didnt like that I would have to borrow money from FIL or Sister, didnt like that I had to work late sometimes and said I used it as cover for cheating. Her accusations of cheating Ate at my very core and caused alot of the arguments because she would say some of the meanest things back to me.

We both were escalating a war of words to the brink. Myself threatening D and her threatening to Find DD a new dad etc...
Arguments often occured over Facebook use, as she was very active and was adding men on there, most old friends but I just kept a wary eye and snooped. Didnt discover anything there tho.

She would state that she deserved better, and she got married so things would be easier in life not the same as when she was single. She felt entitled, and due to my child support to my other daughter she felt our D and family got the short end of the stick.

As to why I put up with her violence, i dont know I guess I didnt because I called police, but I feel like i caused her to snap due to fighting.

Why do I want to save it? Well I love my daughter, and I love W. Alot of her complaints about were very Valid and now I see her anger, trying to change me, etc.. Was because she loved me.

She left once before, and came back this was before we were married.


If it sounds like im trying to defend, well Im not I just feel I need to point out some of things I did to feed the fire so to speak, because I want to be as honest as possible with myself and any one who would comment on the sitch.

[knightinneed]

Journal note- I feel a bit better today, but i keep having visions of W moving on without me. I have no idea if she would but maybe I sense something i guess. Court is on the 20th and I have a dilemma here.

The Lawyer I used to get the EPO dropped she despises, because he made her look stupid in court as she defended herself. I had to hire him, because he is a SOLID domestic lawyer one of the best. Her Lawyer is more of a bankruptcy, tax guy, but took her case none the less.

W may very well get angry that I am using the same Lawyer, and in the back of mind it makes me think its another way of her me being rude to her. I am not I just have to protect myself.

I am hoping very much that they can lift the no-contact because we need to discuss things. W recently added a car she borrowed from her GF to our insurance. I am ok with this because I want her to be safe in driving it.

If No-contact is lifted in Family court then I will have to docket her criminal case and ask for no-contact to be lifted per the prosecutor.

I am very concerned her lawyer is pushing her toward divorce, her friends, the lady she is living with and that with all this one sided bias she may feel she has no choice.

I do know W is not getting a full 40 hrs, and prob can not truly afford to be on her own. One of her threats to me during fighting was that she would find a MAN that could support her and buy her things, part empty threat, but could be a reality.

I think she respected the fact that I owned my own home, and had a good family support system behind me, but that later turned into her seeing my family bail us out financially sometimes, which made her mad.

I know I am rambling but I miss W and DD and I cannot wait to get the CPS stuff over with so I can move on with my life.

As of now I dont know if W is dating again, but her friend told me that they discussed it and she said she would wait until after the D.

I am making a laundry list of changes (180s) as W had alot of complaints about me while she was here, and much of it contributed to fights and nastiness.

If anyone has anything to offer please do.

[ShockedOne]

Knight, you need to stop worrying "what she may think". You need to put you child first and only keep in mind what is best for your child.

[knightinneed]

Shocked one I know, I feel alot better today the Anti D's were bumped up to 40 mgs and a calm has come over me tonight.

I actually snapped out of my funk, and laid out a plan to move forward in my life. It was like a epiphany, and it works because it is what I want, and if W were to come back its what she wanted.

I plan on selling my house, using all the money to pay debts off and get an APT in a better part of town closer to work. W always complained we lived in BFE out here, and well its not the best part of town,

I just need to find out if she is going to file, and how custody will be handled on the 20th for DD, but either way I am glad I have a plan going forward.

Another option is if she gets her an APT, i may just move in with my DAD after house is sold, and save up alot of money and put it away till I am debt free.

I think the ANTI-Ds helped clear my mind and have me thinking positively. Now I just need to focus at work, as I am behind on alot of projects.

I do know DD is 1 and that is my goal. Just holding her and snuggling to her makes all my pain melt away. I cant wait to see her again this Thursday at my sisters house.