My husband gave me the "I Love You But I am Not In Love With You" speech in January 2009. The previous May (2008), he participated in a sporting event from which became severely dehydrated. This caused a lot of ongoing medical problems...vertigo, anxiety, and panic attacks. This was the beginning of what I believe was a midlife crisis. He began questioning ever aspect of his life and felt that our marriage was the root cause of all of his problems. He felt that there was a growing distance between us that had gotten worse and worse....now could not be repaired. I was unaware of any of this and thought our marriage was very strong. In addition, he stated that he had been approached by an attractive colleague who was openly "available". He said that he has never "crossed the line", but this flirtation brought about feelings/urges he had never felt for anyone else. He said he didn't know how to deal with it, but clearly believed his feelings for me were not what they should be.
We have been together for 21 years, 19 of those married. We have three children, two are under 10 and still at home.
In spite of his feelings or lack thereof, he has stated that a divorce or separation would be too difficult for our children. I am deeply thankful for his feelings on that.
We attended MC last year following the speech...actually at his suggestion. This counselor was not pro-marriage though we didn't learn that until several sessions later. Our 10 sessions only resulted in us becoming more distant than ever. I suggested we try another counselor, but my H said that he was done telling anyone our life story.
Shortly after, I began seeing my own counselor. I began a diet and exercise program (lost 60 lbs!). I also began focusing on my children and my own happiness.
My H has never moved out. He is not mean, but he is distant most of the time. We sleep in separate rooms. We co-parent well and the lines of communication (particularly where the kids are concerned) are wide open. He participates in any family events (ie. church, social events, school events, dinners out), but does not participate in anything with me as a couple, unless there is a large group. To those on the outside, we appear to be a happy family.
I honestly believe he is in crisis and has been trying to regain his youth. It was very blatant at first. He was attending concerts several times a month, sometimes 4 hours each way. He was NEVER a drinker and I began to notice bottles we had for years slowly being drained. He has thrown himself in to work, taking on numerous projects and tasks..I believe to keep his mind from thinking. He was test driving sports cars and watching ultimate fighting non-stop. None of these activities were his focus prior to this time.
We have had only a couple of relationship talks (future, etc.) in the last two years. Two of those resulted in him threatening to leave....though he never has. At this time, we have vacant rental property that he could move to, but he hasn't even mentioned it.
I am praying that he is able to get through this time period of his life and begin to see what he would be leaving. He has an amazing husband before Spring 2008. He was attentive to my needs and always "had my back". He was affectionate and caring. He hasn't so much as touched my hand in 15 months. He has always been an excellent father and still is very good to our children, though it almost seems scripted at times.
I guess I am just looking for some words of encouragement. I hope there are people out there that have had similar circumstances that have been able to reconnect with their spouses.
I know this has been long. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
Hi, Still, I don't have any advice but you might want to post in the MLC forum for folks who can relate! AWESOME JOB losing 60 pounds and focusing on YOUR happiness! And for not giving up on your M! Boy does your H sound depressed. WHo knew this kind of stuff is what people were talking about when they say marriage is hard?!
Will your H go to a dr. to get anti depressants?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I did move my story. I just wasn't sure where it should go.
My H was on AD's when he initially got sick. They weren't the right kind for him and he took himself off of them. Said he would never consider trying any other ones. I have had numerous people tell me he would appear to be a good candidate for them, but he is not willing to even discuss it.
