Lost, confused and fighting for my marriage

[Hopeful728]

Hello. I'm new to the DB site and have been reading through some of the postings and finally have time to post my story. I apologize in advance, it will probably be long!

A little about us…
My husband and I met 5 years ago, online, when he was in the army and I was in college. He was stationed in Afghanistan at the time and we hit it off right away. We e-mailed for about a month before he came home for his dad's funeral, which was when we met in person. The first few months we were dating, it was long distance. He was in Hawaii for a few months then he was living at his mom's, about 2 hours from me. Every minute we were able to spend together was great. We looked forward to weekends spent together picnicking, watching movies, playing Scrabble, concerts, just having fun.

We dated a year before getting engaged and then spent 16 months planning our wedding. We bought a house and closed the day after our honeymoon. We spent a lot of time decorating and making it our home. We had a wonderful relationship. Of course it wasn’t perfect, but there is no such thing as perfect, right?

Everything was going well until September 2009. My H is in grad school and is surrounded by younger, single people constantly. He started to go out with his classmates more and would leave me home alone. I was hardly ever invited to go since I’m not into the whole party scene and would just be a “burden” on him. One night he got a text from a female classmate at 3 a.m.! I was not happy about it and the more we talked about it the more I discovered. He was talking to her quite a bit, in class or via text message. He was even talking to her about our “problems”…which I didn’t realize we even had! I was very upset by this “secret friendship.” If I had known about it from the start, it probably wouldn’t have been such a big deal.

After arguing about it for about a week we decided to go to counseling since neither of us could see eye to eye on the issue. I felt that it was an inappropriate friendship and he thought I was overreacting. We started counseling in Oct. 09 and things seemed to go from bad to worse. Since we still argued about the OW, my H finally broke ties with her in December. We had a great Christmas and New Year.

In Feb. ‘10 my H had the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” talk. I felt completely blindsided! I knew we had some things we needed to work through, but I had no idea he felt that way. He left on 2/17/10 and went to a classmate’s for a few days and then returned for the weekend when I went to my parent’s house-at his request. I came home on Sunday thinking that we could work through this and make our marriage better. He had spent the weekend researching divorce.

Since the “ILYBNILWY” talk, we’ve also had the “I think I’d be happier alone,” and the “you’re what I was looking for 5 years ago, but not what I’m looking for now,” and the “you’re the person I can live with, but I want you to be the person I can’t live without,” and the “we don’t have enough common interests,” and the “you’re not going to change- you are who you are, and that’s fine. I just don’t want it anymore,” and the “I don’t think I’ve ever been happy,” talks.

I’m having a very hard time believing half of the things he is saying. I refuse to believe our whole life together has been one big sham. I have done many of the things that you are not supposed to do. I have begged, pleaded, cried, etc. I have pulled out our wedding and honeymoon albums and told him to quit school and go to Hollywood, if the happiness that is evident in the pictures was all faked.

We’ve officially been separated since 3/17/10, so 7 weeks now. It feels like 7 years. While I’ve been home alone (with the exception of the dog) crying over him and wondering what I did wrong, he’s been staying at his classmate’s (a male, not the OW) and getting back into the college life, full of parties and going to the bars all the time, and basically having no responsibilities.

While I’ve tried to take on new hobbies (my only real hobby before was reading) I still feel lost and confused. I’ve been reading a ton of self-help books (which are getting really old!), I started a garden, I started yoga, and I’m taking golf lessons. I’ve been working out a lot too and have lost about 15 pounds. All the while I wonder when he’s going to “snap out of it” and come back home.

Recently all of our interactions have been really positive and I was starting to feel better about the whole thing. We even started sleeping together again on some of his visits home. Then he decided that sex was just going to complicate things and he was still leaning towards getting a divorce. I don’t know what to do.

I really feel like he is going through a MLC, but don’t know what to do about it. His dad died when he was 48 and all my H says to people who tease him about his age is “I’m more than half the age my dad was when he died.” He’s also recently told me that “if we were to have a kid now, and I died at the age my dad died, then our kid would be the age I was when my dad died.” His parents were divorced and he’ll also say things like “I watched my dad be unhappy for so long and then they finally divorced and he found happiness with someone else-and then he died.”

I really wish he wasn’t surrounded by all of his college friends. He even asks them for advice. Not to say that young people (we’re young ourselves) don’t have a clue, but what do they honestly know about being married?!?! Most of them aren’t even dating anyone! I really thought that he’d get tired of the single, party life, but so far that hasn’t happened. He’s also living on this guy’s couch with 4 roommates. He’s never alone to even be able to think about things.

He just told me earlier this week that he called legal services on campus, but they aren’t taking new clients right now and he just hasn’t had time to find another lawyer. He is starting an internship next week, and said that now isn’t a convenient time to be going through a divorce anyway. Yet, he doesn’t feel motivated to work on our marriage. I feel so lost. This whole time he’s been sending me tons of mixed signals. He’ll talk about things in the future as if we’ll still be together…money, fixing my car, what I should plant in the garden, etc. And then he turns around and says he still thinks he wants a divorce, but he’s still not sure.

My question is: if you aren’t sure, then why aren’t you motivated to work on things? He doesn’t know. I’ve asked him to attend Retrouvaille with me, and he said he’d think about it, but again, he doesn’t feel motivated to go with me.

Am I crazy for fighting so hard to save our marriage, when he keeps saying the things he’s saying? I don’t think I am, but how long can this go on? Any advice anyone can give me would be greatly appreciated! Again, sorry this is so long. It’s hard to get everything out there so people understand the situation. Thanks for taking the time to read it!

[ClingingToHope]

Whew, a lot of people don't have life figured out at 27. He's surrounded himself with a lot of temptation.

The sex thing was likely a mistake. I know you are missing him but that's letting him cake-eat.

[Hopeful728]

I know it is letting him cake-eat, I guess I was just thinking that I'd rather him come to me for sex than someone else. Not that I think he would, but who knows. When our MC knew we were separating she said to talk about the details including dating other people, and he was taken aback by that. He said "we're still married until the divorce papers are signed, why would we date other people?"

[elvencat]

Wow.. I feel like we have the same husband at different ages. I just posted our story in the newbie forum. My h and I are separated living in the same house. We have had all the talks you listed and then some. I wish there was some magic wand we could wave and make everything all better. I, too, fell for the sex thing a week ago. I asked him if it meant anything and he said "I don't know." I asked him why he'd let me be physically close (cuddle on the couch and such) at home, but was forbidden to hold his hand in public. He said he knew it made me feel better, but we were still heading to divorce so he didn't want a pda... what does that even mean??

Anyway, just wanted to say I understand where you're coming from on the sex and physical stuff. We've also had the dating other people talk. He's agreed that he won't date anyone else until we're legally no longer married unless I decide I want to date someone else. Geesh. Thanks a lot. But I still want him to stay with me because I love him and believe family is more important than anything.

So... I'm trying to learn how to make myself better and hope everything else falls into place. I am amazed at what you have been able to do with everything going on, and hope that no matter what happens, you can keep the good things you've done for yourself going.

[Hopeful728]

I just read your post...I think it would be really hard to be separated, but still living in the same house. We tried that for a month and the my H decided he needed time alone to think. He thought he needed to be away from me to see if it made him miss me at all. It's been 8 weeks with no change, so I guess he's not really missing me or our comfortable home. He's still sleeping on a buddy's couch in the basement. I thought he would have gotten tired of that by now.

I get so many mixed messages from him, it leaves me spinning in a circle. We have some really positive interactions and then he still says he's leaning towards divorce. It's very confusing!

Last night he came over for a few hours and it went great! He came over to talk about attending Retrouvaille with me, which I had asked him to do the last time we talked. He said he doesn't want to go, because it sounds too religious to him. The info he found on it (and read to me) did seem that way, so I agree that it is not what we are looking for. I asked him if he would go if I could find something else that wasn't religious based and he said "yeah, probably." So now the mission is on!

[TomLost Love]

Just read thru your thread - yes - I know the I love you but I'm not in love with you speech all too well. For me - it all came out of her last Sept/Oct 09 and we're now seperated, and things have not improved between us. We are cordial, get along, see each other since I'm there at the house as often as I can to be with my D11, but never any talk about us. I know that it seems like a long time - and for everyone I'm sure it is a different timescale and outcome until there's a resolution, but I've learned in these months that I can't change her, only me, and the best way I save our marriage is to give her the time and space she needs while doing my 180 and moving on with my life. It is NOT easy, and it often feels like its worthless to have hope and faith - but you find a way to push thru each day and keep it alive, at least I do.

You have a spark or two of hope it seems - my W wouldn't do counseling, therapy, or even talk about options. My sitch has other factors obviously, but, it hust like hell not to be given any chance to work on the relationship. My W wants to date, and I'm sure she will if she hasn't started already. If she and I are to have a chance - I know I've got to let go and see if her "happiness" is out there. She may find it without me, and if so, then its what was meant to be. I still have hope that at some point, and I know it may be awhile, we will have a chance again together.

All I can tell you is to hang tough and find strength - I too have read self help books, been to support groups, talked with friends, and researched all I could, talked on this board for awhile, listened to music, etc, all to keep me going and keep my sanity.

Hang in there - even if things look bleak. The sun does rise tomorrow no matter how you feel today. I definitely related to your comment about your marriage and life with him being a big sham - I felt after 25 yrs of marriage that our life together was being neatly discarded with the trash and there was no emotion at all from her about it. I know I have to look past that and just go on.......

So - be strong, hang in there. Let us know what happens.....

[elvencat]

I hope going to a therapy session or marriage weekend can help. At least he's willing to try that. I just hope for your sake he doesn't go just to blow it all off and say the suggestions would never work.

My H, too, is against anything to do with a "religious" based feel to it. And I agree with him, but unfortunately in our area many of the programs I might be able to convince him to go to are religious based.

I hope you can find something that'll be good for you no matter what he gets out of it.

[Hopeful728]

Well, now it looks like all my research for seminars/workshops yesterday was for nothing. I hardly found any that weren't religious based or that didn't cost a fortune.

But, turn of events...my H e-mailed me last night and said that he is now sure that he wants a divorce. He said he no longer has any feelings for me, other than physical attraction. He feels like we rushed into marriage and having been paying for that mistake ever since. He called a lawyer today and started gathering information on what we do next.

I can't even wrap my brain around the fact that this is really happening, let alone figure out any of the legal stuff or where to go from here. I'm more lost and confused than ever.

[NNP1965]

I asked him if he would go if I could find something else that wasn't religious based and he said "yeah, probably." So now the mission is on!

I can tell you from experience that is probably the wrong thing to do. Even if you find what seems like the perfect thing to go to... it probably won't make a difference. Unless he does the work to find something and it is him asking you to go, I wouldn't bother.

Drop the rope. I wish I had done so long before I did.

[NNP1965]

Just read you last post... I am so sorry you find yourself here.

Listen, stop thinking about anything he has said. Do what you gotta do to get through the next few days one hour at a time if you have to.

Just because he said it doesn't make it so. Maybe that is how he feels... maybe he is so wise that he knows himself... but I doubt it.

Talk to an attorney and find out how to protect yourself, but do not figure out any of the legal stuff of the divorce for him.