WAH and LBW separated and dark

[Forrest Gump]

Q#1...

"that question is like asking me whether i want to die by lethal injection or firing squad."

And yet in real life.. depending on who you are.. this could be a legitimate question. One that would need answering. Basically all you are saying to me.. as you have been all along.. is.. I am scared. When you should be looking at which way out is more "comfortable".

"i don't want my old marriage."

Then don't strive to revive.. what you had.

"a new marriage to h?"

This is not really a question. It is a statement. The marriage you had was gone the millisecond he left. Trust me on that.

"you carry the baggage with you to your new m. can i let it go? i have shown so far that after 9 months, the anger is still raw and abundant. i don't want to be in a marriage where i'm constantly looking over my shoulder."

Does a squash player carry the weight of the last opponent they lost to into a new match?

They do if they want to loose.

"and what does being right get me? being right got me dumped and alone. and likely be for the rest of my life. as catastrophic as that sounds, i'm not sure if i want another r. i would not want a repeat of this. i know you might think that it won't happen if i do the work, but everyone is different and the next r may bring out other things that causes the r to fail. i don't want to go through life fixing myself after every failed r."

So.. you don't want to fail? Then how will you learn? Or.. how do you learn? As a kid.. did you ride a bike? Did you climb a fence? At some point.. you have to have failed. You are human. (I think)

A smart person would tell you not to get into a R until you are fixed. Imagine that.

"Blah.. Blah.. Blah"

"i don't know if that answers your question FG."

For the sake of this place (DB.com) no it does not. It just reaffirms the thought I have had all along.

You are "stuck". You are scared. You want to find an easy way out. But your "heart" keeps you looking... for the easy way.

One day that will change.

You have become the "emotional" wreck that you saw in him.

One day that will change.

He is not that different now.. than he was then. Your perspective has changed.. cause you never expected it.

You never expected him to stand up and walk out.

You have to look at the situation.. and think. I cannot do it for you.

You need a little bit of "drama" in your life.

Pick something..

[DumpedforMIL]

And yet in real life.. depending on who you are.. this could be a legitimate question. One that would need answering. Basically all you are saying to me.. as you have been all along.. is.. I am scared. When you should be looking at which way out is more "comfortable".

what am i afraid of? being alone? i'm alone already.
not having children? i never had them to begin with and there are options.
not being able to support myself? i'll be okay. i put away money every paycheck i get.

Then don't strive to revive.. what you had.

i'm not. i couldn't go back to that.

Does a squash player carry the weight of the last opponent they lost to into a new match?

They do if they want to loose.

sometimes you do. you remember the mistakes you made and try not to do that again.

So.. you don't want to fail? Then how will you learn? Or.. how do you learn? As a kid.. did you ride a bike? Did you climb a fence? At some point.. you have to have failed. You are human. (I think)

honestly? no, i don't want to continue to fail at relationships. it's not in my belief system to be sampling the buffet. i couldn't look God in the eyes if i did. heck, i couldn't look God in the eyes now. i would be ashamed of myself for believing that h was the one and that i believed him when we agreed that d was not an option. i was foolish.

with a bike, you try and you will eventually get it.
with relationships, every one is different. ok. my problem was that i spider web too much. i'll fix it. once i'm fixed, i'm ready for a new r. 2-3 yrs down the road, we call it quits. he complains that i'm too independent. ok. how do i fix that? be a bit more needy. ok. i'll fix it. once i'm fixed, next guy comes along. 2-3 yrs down the road, we call it quits. he complains that i'm a neat freak. ok .. i'll fix it. when will it end? after the 20th try?

why am i always fixing myself? am i not good enough the way i am? i am who i am. when you pre-occupy yourself with fixing yourself, you fail to see the good things about you. i'm not perfect, but there are things i love about myself. i don't want to lose sight of those things. otherwise, i'd be depressed with no self-esteem because something is always wrong with me.

A smart person would tell you not to get into a R until you are fixed. Imagine that.

then never get into a R. it's impossible to be 'fixed'. there will always be something wrong. we are constantly a work in progress. so when does it stop?

You are "stuck". You are scared. You want to find an easy way out. But your "heart" keeps you looking... for the easy way.

does this go back to the original question of "death by firing squad or lethal injection"? aren't we just looking for the most "comfortable" way out?

One day that will change.

when? how will i know? because they also say that the anger goes away but really .. it doesn't. it's like the hump on my back that has become part of me.

He is not that different now.. than he was then. Your perspective has changed.. cause you never expected it.

no, i didn't expect it (see religious reference above).

the most important lesson that i wanted to learn was how a husband and wife work through the tough times. i never got that out of this r. all i learned was that it's acceptable to walk away when the going gets tough. nobody wants to work on a m anymore. they think that it should just work out and if it doesn't, then you are free to leave.

another turn off about getting into relationship.

You have to look at the situation.. and think. I cannot do it for you.

i don't know what i'm supposed to look at and think about. you said so yourself that i suck at this game. i can't even see it from your perspective.

You need a little bit of "drama" in your life.

oh i can create drama but i don't think it's the kind of drama you'd want me to create.

on a serious note, i think i know what you mean. i'm stagnated right now.

i'm sorry if i disappointed you on the 'what do i want' question.

but i gave as honest an answer i could give.
i want to work hard and play hard. that's how i balance life. i work hard and in turn, i will be able to achieve my dreams. i am getting what i want because i decided i wanted to do it. everything i've done so far, is to get where i want to be. i spend a lot of time figuring out my future. i don't spend it calculating how much i'm getting from my settlement. i work on the premise that i will get zero and then ask myself what can i afford and be happy with?

i willingly give up vacations and eating out so i can put everything into my dream home. at the same time, i find different ways to have fun. i hit the gym, play squash, baking, and learning new recipes for healthy eating.

oh yeah, guy #4 returns from a business trip in a few days. we have a lunch date scheduled.

Me

[Forrest Gump]

"what am i afraid of?"

#1.. being alone? i'm alone already.

#2.. not having children? i never had them to begin with and there are options.

#3.. not being able to support myself? i'll be okay. i put away money every paycheck i get."

So.. we can rule out those things. The silly thing is.. I know what you are afraid of.

Come-on.. Sherlock.. figure it out.

What are you afraid of?

"i'm not. i couldn't go back to that."

K.. I agree with you. So all your wonderful posting has defined what you will not go back to.

Define what you would go back too.

"sometimes you do. you remember the mistakes you made and try not to do that again."

But.. are you really carrying the "loss" back with you? Or are you saying this is what caused my failure.. this is what I can do to change it? You may loose again.. what does that allow you to do?

"honestly? no, i don't want to continue to fail at relationships. it's not in my belief system to be sampling the buffet. i couldn't look God in the eyes if i did. heck, i couldn't look God in the eyes now. i would be ashamed of myself for believing that h was the one and that i believed him when we agreed that d was not an option. i was foolish."

This I believe is your "heart". 100%. You have to weigh your beliefs..

D is/was not really an option. It could be a reality though. This is what I harp on.. How did your WAS.. get to the point they wanted to run away? Define it. We lose ourselves.. in a marriage. It just happens. Can't really tell you why. But if you can build a R once "from scratch" once.. I gotta expect you can do it again.

"with a bike, you try and you will eventually get it."

Nothing different here.. it is all about finding the "balance".

"with relationships, every one is different. ok. my problem was that i spider web too much."

I know this.. Your husband knows this.. but have you explained yourself to anyone other than me?

Us posters get it. We have looked back.. on lots of "things". We can see the "flaws". But.. us poster have no "Emotional" attachment to the flaws. Someone in your life does.

"why am i always fixing myself?"

Cause you are the only thing consistent in the equation.

You are not the typical woman. You have some of the responses I would expect. But your thought process is quite "manly". You are not the "Emotional" leader. But at times I think you wish you were. Now.. I say that with "Love".. don't get offended.

Things get screwed.. sometimes.

"we are constantly a work in progress? so when does it stop?"

Yes to the first question.. even though.. you did not ask it.

It stops when we realize.. It should not stop.

You accept you should always be evolving.

Again.. my mentor asked me "What is your job?"

After my long drawn out "What a man should do" speech... he just simply said.. "You should know your wife."

I still fail at that by the way. It is hard to hit a moving target.

But.. if it applies to me.. it applies to you to.

I don't expect 100% center targets. Just get close.

"does this go back to the original question of "death by firing squad or lethal injection"? aren't we just looking for the most "comfortable" way out?"

You are. I expect something more from you. Don't forget there is always the "pass" from the Governor. You could have chosen your way out.. ate your last meal.. sat in the chair.. and then.... Something Different.

"when? how will i know? because they also say that the anger goes away but really .. it doesn't. it's like the hump on my back that has become part of me."

It will most likely smack you in the face. I have carried that same hump. Don't you dare say things were different. In that time and place.. I wished I was you. Could get a house.. could support myself.. Could pay for my own gas..

In the end.. I would not change it. It happened for a reason.

"nobody wants to work on a m anymore. they think that it should just work out and if it doesn't, then you are free to leave."

The "firing squad" or "lethal injection"?

How do you want to go out?

"i don't know what i'm supposed to look at and think about. you said so yourself that i suck at this game. i can't even see it from your perspective."

So.. put the problem down.. and come back with a fresh mind. DB.com gave you that chance. With really no explanation at all.

"on a serious note, i think i know what you mean. i'm stagnated right now."

Yes.

"i'm sorry if i disappointed you on the 'what do i want' question."

I don't want to hear that. I respond to people that get "Physical".

"i want to work hard and play hard. that's how i balance life. i work hard and in turn, i will be able to achieve my dreams. i am getting what i want because i decided i wanted to do it. everything i've done so far, is to get where i want to be. i spend a lot of time figuring out my future. i don't spend it calculating how much i'm getting from my settlement. i work on the premise that i will get zero and then ask myself what can i afford and be happy with?"

There are a lot of "I's" in that statement.

Can you see how someone might get left behind?

"oh yeah, guy #4 returns from a business trip in a few days. we have a lunch date scheduled."

All I can say is.. be careful.

[DumpedforMIL]

well, that was a much needed break.

just showed how 'dependent' i've become on these forums. i went squirrely because i didn't know what to do about some issues i was facing. the break was good because it was like quitting cold turkey. i got a lot of work done .. these boards were a bit of distraction.

back to our regularly scheduled program.

So.. we can rule out those things. The silly thing is.. I know what you are afraid of.

Come-on.. Sherlock.. figure it out.

What are you afraid of?

i'm afraid of losing face - if that makes any sense. being married to the right person .. is like being 'right'. winning. i'm afraid of losing. losing my m is losing, period.

i'm also afraid of never being able to trust again. i'm afraid of who the new h is. i'm afraid of being bitter for the rest of my life. i am afraid of being the 'exception' and not the 'rule'. i hate being labelled a 'divorcee'. it bugs the living crap out of me. i would never admit that i am. people ask me now and i tell them i'm single .. never been married. is it a lie? yes it is. but so what? i'd never admit that i'm divorced. i'd admit to being a widow before admitting to being divorced.

so am i saving my m for the right reason? *shrugs*

But.. are you really carrying the "loss" back with you? Or are you saying this is what caused my failure.. this is what I can do to change it? You may loose again.. what does that allow you to do?

what i learn from a loss in a squash game is simply a lesson learned. sometimes i can't help it but i repeat a bad shot that hurt me in a previous loss.

This I believe is your "heart". 100%. You have to weigh your beliefs..

i couldn't get into another relationship again. once you've been burned, you won't do it again. besides, i carry a lot of shame from this failed r. there is shame from choosing the wrong person. shame from being discarded like trash.

i'm trying very hard to redeem myself by getting back everything i lost - minus the h. i can do without the h. but i will get everything i had before. i won't be able to look anybody in the eye until i have re-established myself. i didn't work so hard to be penniless and living in poverty. i worked hard so i could live a good life. no man will take that away from me. so i have fought very hard for myself when the bomb got dropped on me.

D is/was not really an option. It could be a reality though. This is what I harp on.. How did your WAS.. get to the point they wanted to run away? Define it. We lose ourselves.. in a marriage. It just happens. Can't really tell you why. But if you can build a R once "from scratch" once.. I gotta expect you can do it again.

i look back and i didn't do anything that warranted the treatment i got. you can say he sees/feels the same for himself. but i don't have a mother who exaggerated the truth and created drama. my mother didn't say she wanted me to d my h. my parents let me live my own life. his mother didn't leave us alone and manipulated the situation. he sided with her and believed her. that's all that happened. i run it through my head and i didn't do anything wrong. i look back and i should have just fought them like wild cats. because then i would say .. yeah, i did something wrong. but i didn't.

he decided to end it because his parents told him to end it. they told him that they were beginning to question his decision to marry me. this isn't a d between my h and i. it's a d between them and me. they have dragged my reputation through mud. and i don't care what anybody says .. i didn't do anything to deserve this. it was planned.

i will not beg to get him back. he has to want me back. i will not try to win him back. i didn't do anything wrong.

build a r from scratch again? won't happen here. his parents have such a stronghold on him that this will never happen.

i can't wait to be served papers. heck, i want to serve them myself. i would love to serve him at christmas. so i can tell him .. i hope he remarries. i hope he has kids too. then he can get all fat and useless. 2nd marriages have a greater chance of divorce. and i hope she takes him for all he's worth because then he will know what a real gold digger is. and i hope he dies from it. i want to be there to watch the drama. that would be the ultimate vindication.

I know this.. Your husband knows this.. but have you explained yourself to anyone other than me?

i'm taking a leadership/public speaking course right now. one of the components of the course is active listening. i have no problems with the speaking part. in fact, i talk too much. it's the active listening that i'm there to learn.

but no, i don't talk about my d there.

Us posters get it. We have looked back.. on lots of "things". We can see the "flaws". But.. us poster have no "Emotional" attachment to the flaws. Someone in your life does.

well, if he focuses only on the flaws and doesn't see the 'good' in me. then what's the point? what kind of r do you get when you only focus on each other's negatives? you spiral out of control and end up back in the lawyers office asking for a d.

You are not the typical woman. You have some of the responses I would expect. But your thought process is quite "manly". You are not the "Emotional" leader. But at times I think you wish you were. Now.. I say that with "Love".. don't get offended.

you know, i'm not offended at all. in fact, i'm not surprised. i hate being the weak and helpless female who is an emotional basketcase. momma always taught me to use my brain and not let my emotions cloud my judgement or lead my decision making with my emotions. you have to control your emotions when it comes to decision making because often there are no do-overs. no second chances. you have to get it right .. at that moment. what are you going to do? that's why this whole d thing has me all wound up. my emotions are taking over. so i take a long breather and try to let my emotions calm down ..

i'm not your typical woman. i wish i could be more "female" like. sometimes i think my h is threatened by my ability to think like a 'man'. it's very degrading when the w does a better job of being the h than the h himself.

After my long drawn out "What a man should do" speech... he just simply said.. "You should know your wife."

i should know my h? i don't know who he is now.
just some money hungry momma's boy who can't live without his parents.

You are. I expect something more from you. Don't forget there is always the "pass" from the Governor. You could have chosen your way out.. ate your last meal.. sat in the chair.. and then.... Something Different.

something different would be for me to file.
he wouldn't expect it from me. he took the lead in this all the way. couldn't even follow through on his own decisions. he wanted full disclosure but can't produce all financial docs himself. he wanted it done quickly, he's taking a long time to gather his crap together. i mean, geez .. don't accuse me of being a procrastinator and not getting the job done when you can't even get your act together. this is what you get when you don't think before you speak.

It will most likely smack you in the face. I have carried that same hump. Don't you dare say things were different. In that time and place.. I wished I was you. Could get a house.. could support myself.. Could pay for my own gas..

In the end.. I would not change it. It happened for a reason.

in a way, it is different.
you were competing with a guy who didn't have a history with your w.
i'm competing with my ILs who have a longer history with my h than i have. i'm like the OW in their bizarre r.

you wish you were me? if you could get a house, support yourself, and pay for your own gas .. you would have walked away.

and i wish i would have a similar fate that you had. she came around eventually. my h? no. he's done everything to avoid me so he can forget me. it's funny .. my mother said to me the other day .. why does it seem like he knows where you are but you don't know where he is? he is a member of the same elite squash club as me yet he has not shown up at the club in 3 months. how does he know i play there?

There are a lot of "I's" in that statement.

i did that on purpose. i knew you'd pick up on that. i wanted it to be about me. i'm focusing on me. i cannot plan or fantasize what i would do as a 'we'. there is no 'we'. i cannot sit here and wait for d papers to be served and then decide what to do or where to go. i have to move on regardless of what happens. that's why i did the things i did. at the same time, i don't want to say 'i want my h to apologize for hurting me' and then be served d papers. that would be like a kick to the stomach.

Can you see how someone might get left behind?

i hadn't planned on doing these things until i got left behind. i was told that he had planned this months ahead and that i had to 'catch up'. fine. if he's thinking for himself, then i need to think for myself.

he left me behind and created plans for himself. i'm only doing what he's been doing all along. and i wouldn't go begging him to be part of his plans.

"oh yeah, guy #4 returns from a business trip in a few days. we have a lunch date scheduled."

All I can say is.. be careful.

i'll be careful. guy #4 is a really nice guy. when i needed someone to help me with my home stuff, he was there for me. he's been a great friend. he even text me while he was on his business trip to ask me how i was doing. it's so easy to like him.

it's late. good night.

Me.

[Forrest Gump]

"i have to move on regardless of what happens."

Seems like you know your path.. and what you have to do.

I just can't "see" you doing it from my keyboard.

Show me something different.

Surprise me.

[DumpedforMIL]

i'm just waiting it out.

i broke my own rules over the weekend.
i drove around looking for that smoking gun.
had i my tire pressure sensor not go off, i would have searched all night. yup, slow leak in my tire at midnight while out in the middle of nowhere.
i did not eat. could not sleep. just focused on that smoking gun.

i called the crisis counsellor to help me stop.
"dumped, it's over. move on. take what you need and move on."

i struggled for days trying to figure out what i wanted to do about my separation.
depending on my mood, it would go from jugular, to just walking away with the default.

i have not made my decision yet. but i will do the right thing so that when my time comes, i will be able to look God in the eyes. assuming i will get to see Him.

i need to start working on healing me. how do i start that?
all that hurt that i suppressed for months is starting to come out. the healing process has to begin.

i know that he is not coming back to his old self. he does not want to see or hear from me ever again. he's avoiding me so he can move on. this is what he wanted. regardless of whether i want it or not. i have to move on.

but i have to heal me. i don't know how to start that. i've never had my heart broken before. it hurts so much you want to run away. far away.

i've resumed counselling and had another session today. my counsellor is frustrated with me already. i think he tried to direct me to the right answer but i wasn't getting there. my anger was overwhelming again. i think he's ready to drop me as a client. i have another session in two weeks to see if we can do something about this.

[Ready2Change]

Hey Sweetie,

I am glad I did emotional release work.

The more I "Feel" the sad the more I feel the happy....

I remember one day that I took to watch some sad movies...the "trigger" let me cry....I then moved back through time thinking and "feeling" sad events on my life....

That afternoon I felt an amazing amount of "JOY" of just being alive and feeling......

[Forrest Gump]

"i'm just waiting it out."

Really?

"i broke my own rules over the weekend."

So.. what you are saying is you can be "Emotionally" provoked?

"i called the crisis counselor to help me stop."

Crisis C.

They are the ones with the blankets.. running over to put you out cause you are too stupid to... Stop. Drop. And Roll.

"i have not made my decision yet."

Still waiting.

[Dudess]

They are the ones with the blankets.. running over to put you out cause you are too stupid to... Stop. Drop. And Roll.

Come on Forrest. This young woman is anything but stupid.

Reaching out for help when you need it is a very smart thing to do.

i need to start working on healing me. how do i start that?
all that hurt that i suppressed for months is starting to come out. the healing process has to begin.

Feeling all the hurt that you've suppressed so long is the beginning of the healing process.

I know it sucks, but I really do think that allowing that hurt to come up is a necessary step in healing.

Hang in there.

[Forrest Gump]

"Come on Forrest. This young woman is anything but stupid."

How did you figure that out?

If you keep reaching out.. and people answer your questions.. and you do nothing.. What then?

She is just as "Stuck" now.. as she was when she was married.

How can "we" convey that too her?

She pulls back.. She reacts somewhat "Emotionally".. She is easily "steered".

I have been around a while.. and people need to "get" the concepts on their own. They need to understand why they do what they do.

If me calling her stupid gets her to that point.. I am ok with that.

If you think I am a as$ for calling her that.. I am OK with that.

The end goal is still to provoke a change.

"Feeling all the hurt that you've suppressed so long is the beginning of the healing process."

But to be honest.. I don't know if she really has an outlet that will support her in letting it all out.

I have strong feelings that doing so right now.. will just make things worse.

She is leading.. I am just poking her.. making sure this is the right way.