Quote: Problem is my H cannot/will not see that our M problems have ANYTHING to do with OW. And that she is NOT an obstacle in him resolving things with me and the baby.
Friend said H is is major denial of having a crisis. He thinks he is not in crisis.
He also says no one is talking about HIS hapiness. Everyone says he has to be careful of my hapiness, that of the baby, that of the OW even, but he says he has a right to be happy.
SCRIPT, Piano- I have read on survivinginfidelity from the (former) wayward spouses themselves who said during their affair no one could get them to snap out of it-they think this is the real deal and their "heart" (no, d---) rules their thinking. Something makes them hit rock bottom, just like addicts, and they end the A (or it gets ended for them). That is why they call it "the fog" when describing how the wayward spouses act during their A!!!
So I tell you this because just file it in the back of your mind and when their A ends, no matter where you will be, you will get the glimpse of your old H again.
You are wise to act and think as if you are already divorced so that you can make decisions without thinking of him. It held me back during this limbo time- and everyone told me to not think of H. I think "everyone" knows what they are talking about. It will help your sitch! I swear! It shows you are not chasing the relationship anymore and are doing what you want regardless. The downside is that your H KNOWS you won't be getting up and doing anything different in your life for awhile (i.e. changing jobs, dating,something major) since you will have just given birth- you are "safe" and stuck (in his mind). _________________________ me,34 WH,33 S,10mo S:3/31/09 D talk:10/14/09 DBing:10/15/09 D talk:3/26/10 WHwants D:4/29/10 second first
Yes, I realise it the 'fog', but am losing faith. If my husband doesn'st snap out of it while he is in the country and has taken off for Europe, I will never see him again, and reconcilliation willl be impossible.
If my husband doesn'st snap out of it while he is in the country and has taken off for Europe, I will never see him again, and reconcilliation willl be impossible.
Here is the hard truth- you have done everything you can to influence him to snap out of it. It is up to him to end the A. Therefore it is not in your control.The reason why I told you it was fog was because I had the impression you think the things he said are true and permanent...
You don't know for sure that you will never see him again, and not reconcile, right? I mean you can if that is your choice though (not see him again- and choose not to reconcile if he wants to).
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
didnt realize you knew the OW so well. that stinks even more!
i think some people in general have a tendency to find pleasure in self-denial and pain. When I first read through DB/DR I realized that a lot of WAS seem to feel they are not deserving of a happy relationship. Seems like they'd rather sulk and take the hardship of separation and divorce rather than seek therapy or help. problem is that no one can make a person see that happiness is possible except for that person. They should hand out DR/DB in every state around the world when you go for a marriage license! To make couples see that every marriage has ups and downs! that it is in fact common to feel 'out of love' with their spouse. but feeling that way and accepting that feeling as the only way that marriage could be is just absurd! They need to see that a marriage is like a roller coaster and just because your down, doesnt mean you wont get back up!
People in crisis, do not see themselves in crisis. Alcoholics, and horders, and abusers and addicts do not see themselves in crisis, they think they are in survival mode and are doing what they think is best for their lives. Meanwhile, they are not only self destructive but hurt people along the way, and honestly i dont think that is their intention. Yes they are incredibly SELFISH!
P, has your H considered counseling for himself?
Glimmer of Hope: Ran into someone yesterday who I hadnt seen since her H passed away a year ago. I asked how she was holding up and she said great, she'd just been on a vacation with a group, and how blessed she was to have been with her H for 44 years. i couldnt help but feel sadness and a little jealous! i want at least 44 years with my H too!
She grabbed my hand and said honey I know how you feel. I shrugged it off and said I am doing better each day and she squeezed my hand harder and said, honey, i was in your shoes. My mouth dropped in shock. WHAT? This women and her husband were a beautiful couple with 2 daughters. Well respected, polite, intelligent, warm, just all around great people, that anyone and everyone loved to be around. But yes, he left her with two young girls, and she was devastated. H said he was not in love with her. She was fortunate in that her H did come around and wanted to spend time with the kids, and after THREE years of being separated, they got back together. THREE YEARS!!! WTF!!! But she said they both grew into better people and parents b/c of it. She said it was hard, but she knew in her heart they were meant to be a family. And that deep inside he would find his way back to her.
her words of advice: -look your best and always take care of your body and mind -if he wants to be involved let him -ask for help - be strong -let him go through what he feels -you cant force him to fall in love with you... no one falls in love w someone in days... takes time and a sound mind -he needs to recongize this all on his own. -LBS all want immediate reconciliation, but that in fact is not healthy, and this is your time to grow! so better yourself...
she basically couldve written DR 40 years ago!
my point is, we can only try to do what we read and hear from our counselors, and couples who have been through it. Their advice and messages seem to be consistent. and in the meanwhile, we become fantastic, or at least great parents who get along nicely...
piano, do not give up all hope, no matter the distance! You two made it work before. he could not be so happy lving miles away. perhaps that is the one thing that could open his eyes!
TWO WEEKS LEFT!!! I hope you will pop-in time to time to keep us posted on the baby too...
i am hoping your H will find his way back home... and out of the fog...
BD wow....what an awesome real life story! Inspirational! HOPE!
Piano be sure to drop by to let us know how you are doing. Hopefully you found some inspiration from Babydoll's story too!
Any contractions? Any more dilation?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
You, Babydoll, and Newmama I check all your threads from time to time, and I think all three of you are an inspiration to me. I just do not know what to add, but I wish my W was half the woman each one of you are.
Sorry Piano to not direct my comments just to you.
Last edited by LSG; 05/06/1006:02 AM.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Babydoll, what a beautiful story! I loved every word, thanks so much for sharing it. Three years....hmmm. This is the kind of story where the saying 'you can't write the future' is truly apt.
Hi, no contractions in sight other than Braxton Hicks, and feeling fit. Went to the pool and had a paddle but it really losened me up. I plan to go back tomorrow! I promise as soon as something happens to log and keep you informed, and there's no way I am going to stop DBing post birth, and I will be looking forward to finding you here when I am back from the hospital (actually, I am only in for 24hrs unless there is a complication or something).
