So, met with my IC yesterday and talked to my W some more about all of this last night.
My IC is firmly in the camp of any contact (even “passive”) will not allow for us to have a chance to reconnect (which I’ve already communicated to W and know from all of my reading and experience reading this and other “boards”).
In my discussion with W last night, essentially said how disappointed I was in even this “passive” recontact, especially given it was contrary to the agreement we made that she would not have any contact and she would sever all connections (including Facebook).
When I tried to get at WHY she felt the need to have this continued connection, her response was basically “I can’t explain it to you, you won’t understand”; tried to pry anything out of her but it was a no go. (Previously, she had said “I just wanted to know what he’s doing but don’t want to be with him.”)
I also asked her why she was willing to risk everything with us to maintain this “passive” connection (though I still doubt it really was that passive) and she did agree to shut down” the fake email address/FB account (didn’t have a response when I asked why both were made in OM’s last name, except “it was easier than coming up with another fake name”).
Of course, plenty of additional fake names and ways to connect are possible, so thinking it’s time to get a keylogger to track any of this (which I haven’t done yet – any recommendations on the best one for Macs?). In my mind, this is the “final chance” (which I didn’t tell her, but know I need to).
Think the one thing that got through to her was when I said “what if the shoe was on the other foot, and I was the one with an OP – would you have accepted me being in continued contact?” Did also express clearly that any future contact of any kind with OM was a “dealbreaker” for me in us remaining together.
She said the thing she wants most is for me to trust her again, and emphasized that I want that too but things like this happening really damage my ability to do so and “reset” my clock and any goodwill that’s been building up (she fell back on her OCD/ADHD sword, saying “sometimes I can’t control my impulses”, to which I replied, “hence even more reason for there not to be any contact”!) Said I can’t live anymore in a state of distrust (and won’t).
She also asked me “why I love her” (which she’s asked me a few times during all of this), as she has said sometimes that “she doesn’t deserve me” so kinda feeling like she wonders why I’m still here given what she’s put me through (and did tell her the other day that I sometimes wonder whether I’ll ever be “enough” for her). Asked her why she loved me and she only responded with “a lot of reasons”.
Guess my biggest frustration is her not really being able to even explain to me why she did this in the first place (what “needs” it was fulfilling) and how we can best move forward together (but did say she wants to be here with me and figure all of this out). When I asked her what she needed from me, she didn’t really have a response. My IC had recommended bringing up a need to go to MC together, but didn’t bring up last night.
RE: making changes for “me”, am about to start a new rock band, learn how to kayak, and spend a lot more hang time w/ my kids….and detach a bit from her behaviours.
The thing I’d like to start teasing out with her is what we both want in a “new” M (though she hasn’t been able to articulate anything to me). We also have some major house stuff to deal with, as we came home from vacation to a mouse party (yuck)…will get some quality time doing this with her, with the kids out of the house this weekend.
(she fell back on her OCD/ADHD sword, saying “sometimes I can’t control my impulses”, to which I replied, “hence even more reason for there not to be any contact”!)
Nicely parried!! You handled the whole thing really well, in fact.
eBlaster is THE best keylogger, imho, and they do offer a version for Mac.
Sorry I’ve been off the grid for a few weeks…things have gotten busy at work and have been trying to “keep my head” down a bit.
Am still feeling pretty not good about our future together, though there have been some good moments as well…on the “me” front, am going to start up a band with some friends, which will be a nice release (and something I realize now that I really miss – used to play in a number of bands pre-marriage and when the kids were younger).
Also got a chance to play trumpet at a fun show this weekend with some friends (that my wife set up for me – a friend of hers had posted that they needed a trumpet player, and managed to pull together 2 minutes of playing despite not playing in about 4 years)!
So, the good: am figuring out what I want/need (through the musical stuff and generally, I think), and have definitely had a few days when I was ready to move on (no desire by W to “deal” with her various issues, which (my view) she uses as a crutch regarding things like cleaning the house, laundry, everything, which leaves me “stuck” with doing more than my fair share)…
2 weekends ago, we did have the whole weekend to ourselves (dealing with the post-vacation mouse invasion), which was really great (even though we weren’t doing things that were very exciting)…both said we realized we need more alone time (w/o kids around).
A few things that came out that weekend per our conversations: “you can’t handle me” (related to “handling”/understanding her ADHD and other issues, though she said she is thinking of "seeing someone" about that, finally); we are still “weird” together (still doesn’t feel normal I don’t think for either of us); both confirmed we want to try to stop holding back in sharing things (she being worried about being judged or disappointed by me, on my end, worrying too much about her reaction to things). Also talked about not expecting something good (“credit”) for “good deeds”…which I thought were all good things to get out.
Interesting thing she said was about starting to get close again, and W saying that the “old normal” sometimes feels safer/more comfortable (when we were disconnected and in our own worlds) – I told her I could feel her pushing back when things got a bit more intimate/close.
The not so good: the last few days seem like we’re “backtracking” into old behaviors – me going into my “shell” a bit (and letting negativity “wash over me” instead of confronting it), she going into “nag zone” (little, nitpicky things about lots of stuff – i.e., washing dishes without rolling up my sleeves, “vetoing” me on the time I was suggesting while I’m on the phone setting up a playdate with my kid, et al – really wears me down). (Staying up until 2:30 am Saturday night didn’t help our grumpiness, that’s for sure).
She is also going out of town next weekend to a party/weekend in “OM land” (and has claimed there is no contact of any sort anymore, and has “shut down” that FB page and email address, though I have no way to verify (haven’t installed a keylogger yet))…staying with a friend there. She did ask for “permission” and says she understands my anxiety in her being in OM city, and I said it was “OK” and that I would be fine if she goes, so guess it’s on me.
Did ask her point blank at dinner this weekend if she was committed to being with “me/us”, and she verified that she was(guess I hadn’t actually ever heard that from her, and I still have this feeling she’s got 1 foot out the door, as TG has said in the past).
Really struggling with how to not go back to the “old normal” and instead figure out a “new normal” (while there’s still all of this stuff lingering in the air)…have really tried to detach a bit and work on myself, and have had some good & bad days in that regard, but still really hard for me to do.
She is also going out of town next weekend to a party/weekend in “OM land” (and has claimed there is no contact of any sort anymore, and has “shut down” that FB page and email address, though I have no way to verify (haven’t installed a keylogger yet))…staying with a friend there. She did ask for “permission” and says she understands my anxiety in her being in OM city, and I said it was “OK” and that I would be fine if she goes, so guess it’s on me.
Ugh. Don't you think it's a little early for such a trip? What is her connection with this city, other than OM?
I'd suggest installing that keylogger BEFORE she goes.
Crazy couple of weeks, but things going well...W did go on her trip to "OM land" (yes, she has a # of female friends in the city there) and was transparent about what she was doing there with me (and, as an aside, did tell me that when she had cut all contact off with OM (told him she was shutting down the FB page), he told her he has "moved on" and is dating someone else)...
Who knows what to believe at this point, but it does seem like she's fully "back" now and out of her post-A "fog"...I'm still detaching pretty well and she's reaching out to me quite a bit (calling me at work daily to "see how it's going", soliciting conversations on my day, work frustrations, etc.).
In addition, she's now buying ADHD books to try and finally "figure that out", and I'm realizing in reading some ADHD sites (especially www.adhdmarriage.com) that's a HUGE issue in our relationship.
Feeling as good about myself as I have in a long time, and I think that's helping with our relationship, which seems to be finally going OK. In addition, she's expressed a willingness to answer any ?s I have about the A (which she wasn't really willing to do previously). We're going to have a few days alone starting tomorrow (kids going to grandma's house for their "last blast" before school starts up at the end of the month) and may start asking some of my lingering ?s.
