I've read thru your post and I walked away with (okay I did not actually walk away ) is this...
I sense that you still feel like you can somehow change your H. Maybre you think you can pick up a book or go to a class or that your H's IC will smack him upside the head and he will change.
HB, Jack and 1000 have all said what I am about to say...YOU CANNOT FIX HIM.
Right now is a time for you to think about what kick wants. Time for you to take that long, hard, sh*t, painful, fustrating (sorry if I am being melodramatic) look in the mirror. Why I am sure ask?
Because the one person you can change in this is YOU. That's right...all the love in the world that you have for you H, all the nice things that you do, all the name calling that you stop, everything that you do to try and hope that it will change him - will not WORK.
What may work...is you becoming a whole person. A healed person. Someone who had addressed her issues and no longer feels the need to try an control someone else.
Look your H filed and put it on hold. I call that a blessing. I call that an opportunity for you to really make the lasting changes that you need to make. I cal the "D hold" - TIME, which believe it or not is on your side.
Let me tell you a quick story about a guy (he is the one typing this to you ) who pushed, who did not detach, who did not work on himself, whose W said I will not file until X period of time, who was on these boards and did not LISTEN, who never REALLY work on himself FOR HIMSELF - this guy was served a few weeks ago.
So here is my advice....
1) Detach - it is the ony way that you can remain sane. 2) Take a long hard look in that mirror and change the things about your character, your personality, etc. that you want to change. I am not talking about things like "i call him names" - yes this is good but it seems like a chnnge that expects a response from your H. THe things I am talking about are changes along the line of...you know who the hell am I outside of my M. Do my insecurity limit me - these are changes that you would make for you. 3) Take a break - go enjoy your self. Step back from this for a bit and just enjoy life.
Kick - you can do this. It will take work and committment. A committment not to your H or to your M but a comittment to YOU.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
EMS: Thank you for your post. Again I find my best efforts get turned into the wrong direction. I know I do this to myself. I THINK I am detaching, and I still make it all about him.
I like the person I see in the mirror. I know it shows grace and humility to state "I am changing", but basically I have worked very hard and done a pretty darn good job becoming who I am.
I am not afraid to have my own opinion, my own standards and I am proud of my career, children and talents.
My biggest "sin" is trying to do too much and getting frustraited/angry with myself and others when things don't happen how i want them to. Yeah, I like to control things.
My life got kicked in the a$$ when my brother and mother died and friend was murdered. It was grief overload. I believe my H's MLC was a "perfect storm" that collided and about destroyed me. Hell yeah I am mad! Hell yeah I am sad.
....so now I just heard you all say; "..so what are you going to do about it?"
I THINK I am detaching, and I still make it all about him
Detaching takes time. The GAL'ing will help but also you will need patiences. It took me a long time to get to the detaching phase. For me personally, it took the realization that my marriage was DEAD. That the person that I fell in love is no longer the same. The key is to also realize and accept that BOTH of you must change in order for the possiblity of reconciliation.
Quote:
I like the person I see in the mirror.
This is good...do you also like....
Quote:
to control things
Controling behavior is a symtom of some deeper issues. Trust me I am a former control freak. In my case, the controlling behavoir was a ploy to hide my own insecurities. To hide my fears. Fear of being hurt, fear of change. When we talk about working on YOU and becoming the best that YOU can be one of the things we hope is that you realize that the controlling behavior should change.
We all get a false sense of control. The reality, if we choose to accept it is that we cannot control another. I struggled with this, which is why I too would be frustrated.
Quote:
Hell yeah I am mad!
Very normal as a matter of fact you should be piss*ed the F*ck off. The key is what you do with the anger - this YOU CONTROL.
BTW have you consider that your H is anger and that he is directing his anger at himself at YOU. Notice how he is dealing with his anger. So how will you deal with yours.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I like the person I see in the mirror. I know it shows grace and humility to state "I am changing", but basically I have worked very hard and done a pretty darn good job becoming who I am.
I have been self appointed as the new deputy in charge of BUTs violations.
BUTs make you special and the exception to something.
BUTs are excuses not to do better.
I am changing BUT I can't.
I want to be happy BUT I can't
I want to have courage BUT I don't
I like the person i see in the mirror BUT I don't
What comes after the BUT is what you need to focus on.
Do you see?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Detaching takes time. The GAL'ing will help but also you will need patiences. It took me a long time to get to the detaching phase. For me personally, it took the realization that my marriage was DEAD. That the person that I fell in love is no longer the same. The key is to also realize and accept that BOTH of you must change in order for the possiblity of reconciliation.
This is so true. Someone once told me (or told someone else & I just took it to heart), that the REAL changes start when you can make a decision and NOT wonder/worry/contemplate how it might or might not affect the WAS.
You can stop with the name calling, but instead of wondering if he'll notice--because honestly, he might not EVER notice--find out how it makes you feel about yourself to not be spewing that ugliness. And I can say that word "ugliness", I was guilty of the same thing. Oh, Lordy, did I say some horrid things to H. I have figured out why, and now I'm not just trying to not say them anymore, I'm trying to change what it is about me, what it is about my personality, that makes me even want to go there.
The problem wasn't with my words. My problem was in my heart. That's the part I need to change.
And if my H never comes around long enough to see the real change, then I have to know it's okay. I am going to come out of this a better person. Not only will I NOT be the kind of person who calls the people she loves names, I'll be the woman with a healed heart.
That's all you can work on. Fixing, changing and healing yourself.
It's not easy. We're all smack dab in the middle. Read some other threads & see how some of the sitches are similar to yours. Sometimes it's easier to see your mistakes when they are committed by others. Just as long as we're learning from them, then we're doing well.
Big hugs.
And hang on.
Last edited by shelbel; 05/28/1002:00 PM.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
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