Well I have started a new thread as the old one was pretty lengthy and considering the state of my R at this point, it was time to start fresh for several reasons.
My H has deployed to training at the base in SC. From there, he travels to Kuwait and then on to Afghanistan. I am somewhat surprised that I have not been overly consumed with thoughts of him since he left. I have been very dark on the boards over the last 3 weeks because of my H's pending departure, pressure from work, and just feelings of alienation imposed by myself.
I am attempting to move forward "positively" and with a focus on myself (something you have all counseled me on for months). However, the H sometimes can make this very difficult. Yesterday morning, in an email to me he accused me of ignoring him because I had not responded to his emails or voice messages. He called last night and he seemed very caring and somewhat sad. I am not being pulled back in, but his behavior was very different than he has been in the last few months. He called again tonight, but I was working out. He
I am sure being deployed just has him feeling very alone especially when he is not really sure what to expect when he arrives in Afghanistan. In that respect, I am also very concerned.
I hope everyone else is having a good evening. I will continue to keep up this post.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
This may come off as me being just upset with the world. I have been away from these boards for a couple of weeks and a lot has happened. I thought things were okay, but they are slowly unraveling because I do not believe that I will be okay, things won't get better, marriages end because of the will of God (even thought he supposedly hates divorce), and that the life of a person who has tried to do good is not worth the interest of a God who wants us to believe in him. Why is the world so unjust? Why do we invoke the idea of God when things go wrong in our lives? Why does God forsake those who have already suffered significant pain (even that beyond the experience of having a spouse who walks away)?
I know, I seem bitter and I am. John tells us that, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (I Jn. 1:9). It is "supposedly" our responsibility to do our very best to live a sinless life, and when we sin I must repent and CONFESS sins to God. If we choose not to do so, then we are being a disobedient child, and God will rebuke and chasten us.
I am very much distrustful of all people who claim they "love" me. What do those words really mean? Do they know what it says to those who use it? How can God allow a spouse who made a vow before God to walk away? Please don't tell me about free will. Free will is just something we say he gives people to continue to believe a deity that controls the will of men. There is nothing that happens in life that is not first permitted by God.
It is said that "for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believeth in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16). Why is there contingency in God's word? We must first belive in him to endure happiness and eternity?
A LOT has happened to me since my last posting. In the mind of those who do believe in God and his word, I am not worthy and maybe this journey that is heading towards depair, pain, a diseased body, and a life alone is my destiny. It is no longer unknown....
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
The future is always unknown. A kind of constant state of change controls the future...or uncertainty. So there is no reason to predefine your future...they only thing you can do is shape your future with today's actions.
As for John 3:16....Do you really believe that God would put stipulations on his love? Really? That goes basically against all the bible teaches about unconditional love does it not? I know, my opinion is biased. I believe in God and Jesus also. I don't believe in the Church or it's interpretation of the bible. Instead I follow the norms and moral values the bible teaches knowing that if I do that everyday....Life will be easier. Which it is.
As for the challenges....They make you stronger and that is the reason they are placed in front of you.
Be strong, be you, and don't let others actions control your future....Start defining who you will become.
I myself hate the free will thing.....but.....God who created us who made heaven and earth is a JEALOUS GOD...he wants US to put him 1st....he allows bad things to happen because he wants us to DEPEND ON HIM FOR EVERYTHING.....he wants us to call on him with our every need.He is nothing like our earthly father, he is bigger and better.And I know you know this but OUR time is not his TIME. WE WANT EVERYTHING to do be done yesterday, we are inpatient, we want to put it into a microwave and zapp it to be hot ready in seconds not this way in God's time zone...It is unfair and so very long as the creator of us why would he give us everything instantly. We would never need him.Like I said a jealous GOD his right we wouldn't be here today if he had not created us....WE really can go on without our husbands and it really does get better takes a while but it happens I laugh again I have fun again even without my husband hence my new name...forgiveness and prayer is key...I am living proof.......
It is probably sacrilegious to indicate displeasure with God. I grew up with Christian values instilled in me by my Grandmother. However, in the time since becoming an adult, I have been slowly questioning my purpose and that of God’s. I am not without sin in my life, even today – I have asked for forgiveness and mercy. My H sinned and left our martial home. He prospered and was able to survive out there in his MLC without remorse or guilt. Now he is off to war and I am still here feeling concerned for his safety.
Why does God allow this? How can he expect and demand that we believe in him when kindness, mercy, and forgiveness are not granted. Why not compel “his children” to remain committed to the vows made before him? Why allow the erosion of marriages because of “free will”? Is this because he is trying to tell us something or because his power is not almighty?
I think most of you who have posted to me in the past know that I was having problems with faith in God and had little hope for a happy future for me (note, I said for me, not with my H). This issue with my H, and the various other issues compounding on it has made me very distrustful of faith. Am I wrong to question God and his purpose?
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I have to admit, I am at a loss of words for you right now. Faith is such an individual thing for each of us. Most will try to get you to follow or believe, because they do.
It should be really clear to you now though, that this really is your path to walk. Your growth, your insight, your beliefs. It is not up to someone else to "heal" you. It falls on you Destiny.
The Bible is open to interpretation. The different denominations are proof of that. We can choose, and believe what we choose.
All I can do is tell you....
Our MLCers are going through one of the toughest things they will ever face, yet so are we, the LBS. All of the talk of hitting "rock bottom" that they must do. Well guess what?
So do WE.....
Yes, the LBS hits a time that can be described as "rock bottom" . It is one of our lowest points. The time when we can justify everything that has been described by you here. The Bible refers to it as "The Threshing Floor". It is the place where we can confess all . We come to our knees, doubting, and ask for forgiveness.
It is the place where we can give all of our anger, and confess ourselves.
This is painful, yet necessary for us to grow and learn.
Destiny, It is normal to question God. Maybe it can be viewed as our responsibility to question.
From a poster that has been on the "Threshing Floor"........
You view this as a weak time in your life. I did as well.
I view this as strength in you. Even if it is just the ability to look inside of yourself that deeply.
Everything that you are, and will become, will be built from the ashes that you were before this.
That is a must........
Be kind to you Destiny, and know that there is a reason you are here, and who you are.
From these ashes, you are meant to rise. This time is about you.....
(((DU))) Sorry you are struggling. I just wanted to add FWIW that I think it is okay to express displeasure even to God, He can take it.:) This MLC thing rocks us to our cores - it takes away just about every security or illusion of security we thought we had with our spouse.
Personally for me, my faith has grown so much in the past year and is stronger than it has ever been, BUT that being said, I have had a lot of moments where I have literally SCREAMED at God about how unfair it is, why isn't He stepping in and changing things, etc. I think that is okay - He knows what is on our hearts anyway, whether we say it (or scream it:))or not. And I still have moments like that sometimes. It is cathartic actually.
I don't know what else you have going on right now, but it does take time to work through the grief and sadness and the loss of what we thought we had. It DOES get better.
