Is it stupid to give up cell phone rights?

[amg2]

(Cross posting)
My original thread is here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1945341&page=21

My husband and I have been separated 3 months. I "asked him not to come home" after discovering his third/fourth texting EA.

I'm really driving myself nuts looking at the cell records. Would I be dumb to try and get his phone moved onto his own account that I have nothing to do with?

1)What would this say to him that I want to do this (bad or good)?

2)Would I be dumb to give up my source of intelligence?

He hasn't mentioned this. I could also just have a friend change the password so I can't look at it anymore.

THANKS

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If he already knows you can see it, I don't know how much "intelligence" it's giving you.

If it throws you off your game, it's probably not worth it.

A couple of suggestions:

What I did, was change the frequency of how often I monitored my intel. From several times a day at first, to just once a day, and then to just once per WEEK. It helped me stay focused, GALing, and yet I was still getting valuable intel (my wife didn't know my sources).

The other suggestion I would have is, if you ARE going to just tell him to get it in his own name, then yes, I do think this could be used as a real "drop the rope" opportunity, to tell him "I really don't care what you do anymore." Maybe that will shake him up.

Reminds me of one of Robx's posts, which was so good that I saved it:


RobX’s approach: (change gender, etc., as appropriate)



Sit her down and have a discussion with her.
No need to be mad, angry, a$$hole, prick on anything,
keep it calm, light but straight forward, direct to the point, etc. Don't make it last more than a few minutes.

You tell her trust is based on actions that are consistent.

You don't trust her because she hasn't been consistent.

You don't trust her because she's been lying to you, in fact you tell her that is what you trust her to continue doing, because she has been lying to your consistently - that's what you can trust.

For you to be able to trust her, she has to build trust.
Sure you can trust her blindly and have faith and all that good stuff but honestly how well has that worked up to this point?

Don't ask for for full disclosure.

Do the opposite.

Tell her this:

"... I don't want your cell phone records, I don't want to look at your cell phone text msg's and call history, I don't want your email or fb password, I don't want your voicemail pw. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need.

I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.

From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.

If you really want to be with the OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to me and that's all that matters - I see that now.

If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had alot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with the OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for too long.

I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me."


No being mean, spiteful, vindictive, you let her go.
No more discussions, arguments, no more talks about lies, no more sneaking around behind your back, she can do what she wants but you are letting her go to do what she wants to do but at the same time, you are now allowing yourself to be free of this crappy limbo place you've been living in for so long.

Bro, if she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, no amount of a$$ kissing, sneaking, snooping, being mean, angry, standing tall, etc. is going to change that.

You be the best gosh darn example of a MAN for you and for you only. If she wants this great MAN that you are in her life, she'll pursue you and do what it takes to be a part of that.

You need to respect yourself first, that's the first step and letting go of your wife her untrustworthy ways to establish that your self-respect, dignity and integrity are the most important things in your life is what you NEED and WANT to do. You know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth and let go of the things that are worthy of you - starting feeling your personal value, know it, resonate with it, live it. You are worth better than what she is giving you right now, if you don't set that boundary, you'll allow her to do this to you forever and who could respect that?

Otherwise continue playing this game and you'll be playing this chase & pursue game, pushing & pulling for the rest of your life.

Time to get off the merry go round, this ride isn't that fun anymore.

[amg2]

Thanks Puppy. You've been so helpful to me. I used the suggested wording from a couple of your posts to text him last night. I will think about all of this. If I really believed I was going to be "ok" or "better" without him it would be easier to use RobX's wording. I'm just in a bad place right now.

Thanks again

[amg2]

Should RobX's wording be done in person only? Or can it be used in a letter. I had been trying not to do too much "positioning" and be vague, but the above might be coming. Soon. And does it matter if it's a MLC and that I don't know if there's an OP now? SOrry to have so many questions.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It's definitely best if you can do it in person, so that he can see that you're REALLY OKAY with all of this, and you are able to convey the spirit behind the script. But if you don't think you can, I think an e-mail would be better.

Puppy

[Marked&Healed]

Email is better if you can't control your emotions, but if it were me, I'd keep the intel source and learn to control myself.

It sounds to me like you need time. What is it that makes you keep going back to get hurt? Is it the need to know, or the need to hurt yourself? If you believe you are to blame for some of this, perhaps you're trying to punish yourself by continually snooping?

Instead of thinking about him, try looking at yourself, try finding out why you're doing what you're doing and feeling what you're feeling. Why are you in a bad place right now? I mean, really why? Is it b/c you don't think you can be without him? Well, what would make you begin - just begin - to see that you can be? Do you need more skills? Is he your fix it man? How about taking a free class at the local home store? Is he your shoulder to cry on? Do you have a friend you can go to instead? How about making new friends? Do you have an outlet for your pain? A counselor perhaps?

I am not familiar with your situation, but what I'm suggesting is that it's weakness on your part to not be able to snoop. Don't worry, I'm not passing judgment, I did it constantly the first two weeks or so after finding out. Then, as Puppy did, I cut it to once a day and now I've only done it one time in two weeks. It's not telling me anything I don't already know - H is cheating and lying to me - and learning the details is not helping me. Hearing her moan on a tape in my H's truck is NOT getting me a life and moving me towards a better place in MY head, it's holding me back... and I do not need to whip myself like that.

You are at a fragile place right now, and you need to take time for yourself and stop focusing on him. It's the hardest thing to do, breaking that tie in the beginning, but once you do it, it does get easier. Promise.