My husband and I have been married for three years. I discovered his affair in January. I confronted him right away. We've been to three therapists and are currently working with a DB coach. He won't stop cheating. He continues his affair with her even after three months. I told him that I want him to stop. Now he's had this woman change her cell phone number so her old number wont show up on our bills anymore so that he can keep talking to her under the facade that it's over between them. Do I confront him on this? How much more of the lies, deception and cheating am I suppose to take? I want to save my marriage but more than that, I want him to stop his relationship with this woman. I will not share my husband's affections with another woman. Help! I don't know what to do anymore. I'm being happy. I'm taking care of me. I'm picking up new hobbies. I'm not nagging him. What? What now? He keeps trying to hid his continued affair. Why does he stay with me?
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
My husband and I have been married for three years. I discovered his affair in January. I confronted him right away. We've been to three therapists and are currently working with a DB coach. He won't stop cheating. He continues his affair with her even after three months. I told him that I want him to stop. Now he's had this woman change her cell phone number so her old number wont show up on our bills anymore so that he can keep talking to her under the facade that it's over between them. Do I confront him on this? How much more of the lies, deception and cheating am I suppose to take? I want to save my marriage but more than that, I want him to stop his relationship with this woman. I will not share my husband's affections with another woman. Help! I don't know what to do anymore. I'm being happy. I'm taking care of me. I'm picking up new hobbies. I'm not nagging him. What? What now? He keeps trying to hid his continued affair. Why does he stay with me?
Because he can. (at least so far).
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I will not share my husband's affections with another woman.
And yet you have . . . since January.
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I want to save my marriage but more than that, I want him to stop his relationship with this woman.
I suspect that your lack of consequences have taught your husband that the OPPOSITE is true. He knows that you are more fearful of losing your marriage, than you are of "doing the right thing" here. You need to LOSE THE FEAR.
What consequences, if any, HAVE you laid out if your husband persisted in cheating on you? Without consequences, Brenalim, boundaries aren't really boundaries at all -- they're more like "geeIwishyouwouldn't's."
Puppy
P.S. Why have you been to THREE different therapists? Have any been family therapists, specifically trained in dealing with infidelity??
He stays with you because you allow it. He is cake eating and as long as there are no consequences he will continue to have both of you because he is getting exactly what he wants.
Have you told him that you will not share your H? Stating personal boundaries are different than issuing ultimatums. Puppy has some great examples of this somewhere around here. Telling H to stop cheating is trying to control his behavior. Telling H you will not live in an open marriage is stating your personal boundary. And once you have stated it then you should be willing to enforce it.
Find Coach's thread on boundaries and read it.
Read this article on detachment. It's incredibly important to understand and live this concept.
Have you told him that you will not share your H? Stating personal boundaries are different than issuing ultimatums. Puppy has some great examples of this somewhere around here.
from my personal archives (adapt as needed):
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
do i expose his most recent lie. He had her change her phone number so that her old one, the one I knew, wouldn't show up on our cell phone bill? or do I wait for my next DB session on thursday?
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
I think, like above, you make it about you. "I can no longer continue a relationship where I am lied too. I know about the continued contact with OW".
But what will your consequence be? Fileing for D, moving out, filing for S, temporary staying at a friends house?
He NEEDS to feel consquences b/c why else would he change.
Do you have children. I have a totally different stance on people cheating b4 even having kids. I think it goes to show that they have low character. Even when the marriage is not stressed by kids they decide it's "too diffcult" to handle.
I say- no kids it is easier to have a fresh start and move on. Rather than deal with his nonsense.
You would like to be with him, you don't need to be with him. Let him really realize that.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
