Ilybnilwy....but doesn't talk D?

[Irish_love]

So why would my h be so consistant with saying he isn't love with me but not want a D?

He tells me he loves me all of the time.

Now he recently moved out again into his own place and knows what I am going through. Says he misses me and wants to hold me, hug me and tell me he loves me.

The sitch is very long, I have posted on here several times a couple of years ago. I can recap. I was just curious of what others thought.

Another question is, his bday is coming up. What do I do?

Thank you for the help.

[Irish_love]

After being disheartened that there is no advice. I re-read my post and I am hoping I didn't come across as rude. I am really not trying to be. I am just so confused.

So for the last 2 wks after forcing him to the tell me the truth, that he feels that it's over. He continues to tell me he loves me and good night almost every night. I don't contact him, only respond when he sends me a txt. I only answer the question. But should I continue to tell him I love him too?

He had asked me several times for us all do to something as a family and I said no. He was very said while he was picking up the kids. Later after he had picked up the kids, he sends me a message that he doesn't mean to be like that. He is sorry and hopes I have a good evening. I respond that it's fine and I don't want him to be sad and to have a great evening. Later he responds for him that he's trying to accept and respect my decisions. I respond that I feel the same. (I said this to him before) And that he is not as strong as me. He said it affects him and its hard for him to hid the pain. i let him know I understand and I feel the same. Then he said if that were the case why don't I want to do anything with him. i told him I have to find myself. I have to find a way to cope with not having him. My world is upside down and I have to do my best to cope. Then later he says, I love you, I wish you were here next to me me. I miss you. I am sorry. I tell him I love him too and I miss him terribly. He sends a sad face. I said, what would you do if you I was next you. He said hug you, hold you and tell you that I love you. He says he would love to be next to me, he's sorry he feels that way, he can't help it. I dont want to forget you. Not being able to do things with you makes you slip away more and more. I dont want that. I am sorry that is my true feelings. I can't help it. I love you. I respond with don't be sorry, I understand but its very hard for me to tease myself like that. its not your fault its just. I am sorry I turn those feelings off or down. i am really sorry. I love you. He says, I understand. i just hate to feel I'm going to lose all of you. Then later he said, Good night, i love you.

So did I say something wrong? Should I not be distancing myself? Should I continue to talk to him other than just kid stuff? Should I not turn down doing things with him?

He recently moved out again into his own place. OW is still around, I just don't know to what extent. One of our son's lives with him to.

Am I going the wrong way? I am sooo confused. I sad all alone for the first time without the kids. i couldn't help but think, surely this is not my life from now on. i miss him soooo much!

Thank you for any help or advice.

[brenalim]

Irish Love,

I'm sorry. All of this sucks. I'm in the same position as you. My husband had an affair and he currently is refusing to give up the other woman. We still live in the same house (different bedrooms) and he tells me he loves me all the time. We still hang out together. He also still hangs out with her.
This is what I know. I want to save my marriage. I love this man so much and I want to be his wife. But more than that, I want a healthy relationship where I'm not having to share my husband's affections with another woman. So this is my choice. Either he gives up his #^%$^ and work with me to save our marriage or he doesn't and I chose to leave him. To me it seems like I have to chose between the two most sucky options on the planet, but sometimes, that's life. Sometimes you have to chose which is the less sucky option. Right now, I'm working to wrap my head around it. I need to be ready to follow through.
You should think about that. Start preparing yourself for life without him. There is light at the end of both tunnels and both tunnels will have their own hardships. If you do decide you're ready for the ultimatum, then cut contact completely. Don't text him back or phone him back. Don't accept any invitations to hang out. He needs to know what life would be like without you. No guarantees that it'll bring him back to you but at least you'll have your answer.

[PMA_Baby!]

Irish! Great screen name. He is cake-eating! He is confused. He is playing head games with both yours and his. You are still in a great position. All you have to do is GAL!! Start making new friends. Join some new groups/clubs. Make some new male friends. Show hubby you are not afraid to let go and move on. Chances are he will get jealous of u not being there for him. Not giving him all your attention. Act like you are ready to move on, happy, etc. Dont ignore him just be too busy to talk. He will start REALLY feeling like he is loosing you. And u will probably see a shift.

Remember this period is all about WORKING on you and becoming the best version of yourself YOU can be. Not for him but for YOU.

Stay strong. PMA

[Irish_love]

brenalim,
I understand how you feel. I have come to terms that I deserve all of him or none of him. But sometimes I do digress. I can't imagine life without him. But that same time I don't want the life we have had since she has been in the picture. We haven't really talked about her for awhile. But I did say in Jan/Feb 10 that I deserve all of him and not to share. I have to talk to him since we have kids. He has to come and get one of our son everyday. I just keep it neutral. I keep the texts short. But when he texts me good night I love you, I feel guilty not responding. And I am definitely not saying it because I feel I have to. I mean it. I know when he says it he loves me to. But not in love with me. In the last couple of weeks I have only initiated texts a couple of times and they were about the kids. So it is to a min. He has acknowledged that I don't talk to him very much.

The other part I don't think I mentioned is he is being treated for depression. I think he is very depressed but I think the he also has signs of MLC. I dont know. He felt out of love with me when I was sick and didn't comprehend that there was a problem with us and I was working way too many hours. Everything was about work. And he says if he knew how to get it back he would do anything.

I think it is best just to proceed like this, it is just very rough. I am very very lonely. All my friends are married with children. When we did things with them it was as couples or family. So this past weekend was the first time he took all of the kids and I just sat alone, cleaned, watched movies. I am such a social person, we have a big family (4 kids) it was odd having the house so quiet. I really can't get used to it. I just feel like this can't be it. This can't be my next chapter. I am finally better after being sick for 10 years and this is what it is going to be like? But I know that he needs to see what life is going to be like without me. I know what you mean. My friend told me the same thing. Since my surgery 2 years ago, I have done the majority of things for him. He fell into this depression and didn't do much other than work, hang with her and come home and sit on the computer. When we had one of our break through talks after I had found out he was with her for a whole day instead of someone else, he said he knew what he needed to do, he started talking about how he was going to stop everything. But then later I think he was overcome by one of the biggest things, he doesn't want to hurt her. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. But either way he hurts me. So it has to be this way. I have to keep interaction to a min. He wants to be close friends and I am not having it. (as mentioned in last post). Thank you for your support. I really appreciate your advice and encouragement. I just feel so alone. I hate burdening the few people that do know. Only one of my friends really knows actually.

PMA---
Thanks about the screen name! I know he is cake eating or was. I realize that now, even as much as what was happening. He doesn't feel that she is the reason why he is not "in love" with me. He says to him its not about making a choice, he just doesn't love me passionately. But you know I can remember a few talks we had and its like he doesn't want to get rid of her all together as she is a great friend. But he has says he knows he can't be with her..and have some reasons. But there is still something there. I just lost my other thought. But I know I need to GAL but it's hard with the kids. So I am doing the best I can with having very little contact. Not being his friends and keeping it generic. Thank you! for the encouragement.

[PMA_Baby!]

I hear ya, but u sound defeated. Don't let his problems become your problems. Dont let his issues define you. Figure out what you want and go for it!!

Ask yourself "Is he dragging you down?" Is he helping you become the best Mom/Daughter/Sister ect you can be. If not maybe your better off doing your own thing for awhile. Use the time you do have to do things for you.

With 4 kids it's most likely been awhile that you have taken care of you. This R sounds very Co-Dependent. You dont have to take care of your WAH. He needs to step up and take care of himself first.

I can tell from your post that you care more about taking care of your family more then yourself. This will eventually backfire when you burn yourself out. Make sure YOU are a priority!!

Stay strong, PMA

[Irish_love]

PMA - You must know me! LOL

It's hard to be able to step away with the kids. I don't like being by myself...but I am going to have to get used to.

So tonight....he had said he wanted to have dinner all together but thought I wouldn't want to.

H asked me tonight...so you let me hug you, but why don't you kiss me anymore. It put me on the spot. I wanted to come up with something clever...but I said, because we are not together anymore. I am respecting what you want. He said, I just wanted to understand. hmmmm

I know this isn't meant to be easy! I wish I could just snap my fingers.

I wish I knew what he really had in his head. I wish I knew what he was doing. I feel like if I knew for sure that what he was the truth...this would be easier. I don't know.

I had to reschedule my IC. So now it will be almost 3 more weeks before I can go again. If I could get to a point where it didn't consume me at times. Worrying what was next. Limbo is very bad for me. I want to plan the future...and I have not accepted planning it being a single mom.

I am not sure I am making sense at the moment....I will have to come back.

[PMA_Baby!]

You did fine. You just need to work on defining your boundaries.

Tell him that you DO NOT want to be in an OPEN marriage and if that is what he wants then you want to end it.

Be confident and straight to the point.

He needs to see how serious you are. From the past it doesnt look like he respects your opinions much.

Show him the new, confident YOU.

PMA

[Onthemountaintop]

If you want to feel loved, show him love. Go out. Respond to his texts with something that creates curiousity and interest in you.

[Irish_love]

Onthemountaintop,
Thanks ! But do you have any suggestions.

So yesterday he was here and we talked about 2 hours. It was mainly about how he was finally going to have a talk with a family member that they had issues for years. But then at the end he started talking about how he brought up in group about the hug, kissing and ILY. They told him that him doing that to me is not right. He said most of the advice that he gets from them is right. But for this he feels its wrong. He doesn't feel right about it. He understands how I feel and why, and that I have to be that way. But its hard. He says he already lost me as a wife he doesn't want to loose me as a friend. He loves me and that is something that will never ever change. He got real emotional about it.

So this hurt me so bad. It was so hard to listen and not respond with R talk. I wanted to just hug him. But I didn't I told him that I understood. And that he didn't loose me as a wife, it was his choice. And he said yea my choice. I said well maybe you didn't choose to not be in love with me anymore but you made the other choices.

Later he came back to pick soemthing up and I gave him a really big hug. I don't know if it was good, bad or indifferent. But I wanted to just hold him. Sometimes I feel like this is just a nightmare and sometimes I am awake and sometimes I'm not.

And tonight he hugged me when he left to.

I am sooo lost and lonely. This weekend I have the kids. It really is hard because it is also his birthday. I have plans in my head how we would celebrate. Now I am too scared to ask him if he has plans so that the kids can take him out. I don't want it to appear as though I am prying.

Any help is appreciated. How do you get through being soo lonely. I feel like I am contstantly alone.