I found out from h computer history that he is having a baby with another woman. I called h and told him that I knew everything. This is the worst thing that ever happened in my life. I dont have a job either. I think I have to file for d this week. There was info about pregnancy test, car seat, stroller, stilleto heals, jewelry, and toys. I think this is another ow because it had info about toys for older kids too.She must have other children. I am so so sad. I have to protect my 16 yr old son from this.
Do you want to stay married to him at all? If you don't and tthis is a dealbreaker for you (understandably so), contact an L so you can see what financial obligations he will have to you, then go ahead and file.
If you do want to stay married, then there are other things to do but contacting an L is still the best thing to do.
Check out 4Luv's thread because she is dealing with a child from OW as well but she wants to stay married.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Rysmom, Please hear my heart on this. You have been posting over on MLC for weeks about this issue and getting some great advise. First of all, you do not know that this is a fact from the history on the computer. You are jumping to all sorts of worse case conclusions. Ads that pop up on websites are not necessaily indicative of what the person is searching or websites they're going to.
From what you're posted before, you don't have any emails to OW about any of this. You're basing your assumptions on ads on the webpage and what you say is his history. But you are not on his computer and have not installed a keylogger on his, you are only remotely accessing his work email. There are all kinds of problems with the way you are looking at it. At this point you are only driving yourself crazy with these assumptions and pushing your H further and further away.
Instead of continuing to drive yourself nuts, please detach and take care of yourself. Find some activities that you enjoy alone or in a small group. If you must search, I would hire a PI. If you H is contacting someone, they can find actual proof. That will give you the "proof" you seem desperate to find without you becoming a stalker.
H totally denies that there is ow or any kids or a baby. but i dont believe a word he says anymore. because when i found out about the 1st ow he put his hand on the bible and lied right to my face. he has no respect for me he calls me names too. when i called him before i said if you think its going to be fun dealing with someone elses kids when your in your 50s you are living in a fantasy world. I said if that is what you want go ahead and have it, I wouldnt want it. I told him if he doesnt move back home , to get his stuff out of my house. He had no comment. I think only tough love is going to work with him at this point. I think this ow is a enviro scientist that he works with and she will be a real asset to his business and thats how he is he uses people to get ahead. He doesnt care who he hurts as long as he'll make more money. He has no integrity with anyone. He is a narcissist. H doesnt want a d he just wants things to be how they are so he doesnt have to divide our assets and he can have this other family on the side.
Rysmom, I am so sorry you have to go through this, but good for you to have the guts to confront him. I hope I am that strong when the time comes.
I can really only comment to you on the verbal stuff--I don't know how I got to the age of 47 and never heard from any of the 6? or so councelors I've been to over a 15 year marriage, but you need to WALK AWAY when they are being abusive. All these councelors would tell HIM to stop (but he never did) and NEVER told ME to LEAVE for a while!
I don't know if it's because I've insisted on Christian Counseling or not (and the whole "submit to your H thing") but they always focused on my H and not on me--until the last one I went to. He told me to get away and it has been an absolute Godsend. It felt weird, my H would be spewing HORRIBLE things at me, but I would calmly tell him I can't hear him when he is like this and I have to go out and I hope he would feel better and we could talk when I got back.
I have been doing this for about 3 1/2 months now and again today (Mondays are his normal "blow up" day) he went off--and I calmly gathered my stuff, told him my "script", and all he yelled as I left was "Don't take my van".lol. I NEVER take his van--guess he had to say SOMETHING.lol. But it wasn't the usual string of obscenities--so it is slowly working.
hi laura are you still living with h, did he ever have an affair? My h is the kind of person who will take whatever he wants from anybody and have no conscience about it. thats what is scary he has no conscience.He is the most intelligent, manipulative, salesman on the planet. he uses these gifts to abuse people. he could sell ice cubes to eskimos.
Hi Rysmom--I have often wondered if my H has narcissistic tendencies. It sounds like your H may be this way as well.
Mine is very intellegent as well--he completely charmed the socks off of one gal that we went to for counseling. She just couldn't see him as abusive and he promised he'd be a good boy and that was that--of course it didn't change anything.
I have been online looking at the narcissism sites and I have come to the conclusion that I don't think he is. He has a very good job and makes very good money and works very hard for us. I think true narcissists have a lot of trouble in the work place, and tend to sponge off people rather than doing actual work.
I don't think he's had an affair--I could only make comments about the verbal stuff because--duh--I let it go on so long! I thought a good Christian W submitted to that (and validating is pretty similar to submitting--but I didn't realize validating and submittins is NOT letting them be verbally abusive).
While submission IS a two way street, it is easy for the one that is trying to "fix" things to be the bigger person and model this behaviour to the other. But it has to stop at abuse--you just can't model submission in the face of that. That is probably modeling cowardice or something but not submssion.
**I** got it wrong--I see now why it didn't get better all these years. But I'm hopeful because lately things have been getting a LOT BETTER!!
