I agree Kerry. It just felt good to call him on his crap this time instead of just trying to accept and move on and all that stuff...
But now that the kids know there is really nothing left to talk about. I expect he will lash out and be mad again when he has to write that big settlement check June 1...
Agree with Kerry. The kids are not done asking questions. But you should be done trying to get Dan to answer them. You can answer all the questions that come at you in the future. You are a single mom, BBJ. Take charge; don't ask him for anything. Isn't it something when the weather matches your mood?!
Bbj, the man's brain is "stuck". Somebody or by himself has put this idea in his head you havent been surrportive (how washis mom with his dad btw-not that you should care anyway)and he has seen that triggers you and uses it constantly. It's the ONLY thing he feels you cant defend yourself because it us not as tangible. What else could he say? That you cheated, that you werent forgiving, that you are a bad mom, that you are moody, what? It's all crap.
Turn the page and accept the fact that you invested so much in a man that wasnt worth it. I know how hard that is, feels like cancelling your own life and choices. The truth is, it gives you freedom and wisedom to have a do over. And I AM talking about another good solid relationship. I know how that sounds, but I BELIEVE that your kids, will be benefited by having another male role model in the lives when the time comes.
You cant see it cause you are hurting. Dan is a broken man. Dan has issues that you couldnt have helped with. Imagine this, all this mess for YEARS and he has not said ONE word about his shortcomings!!! He is hopeless... Stay strong sis K
I think dan grew up with these issues and he can't be fixed. It's sad, unfortunate, etc. but that's it. And the controlling stuff was there from the beginning. I remember BBJ posting something from their dating days, and there it was. Icky control.
I've been there for years with my situation. I beg you again to read "Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You" by Patricia Evans. In short, you are letting him create your drama and it will only get worse especially if you continue to live blocks away with shared children in a small town. Clue . . . when his parents die it will only get worse. Shut his crazy ass patterns down now. Been there, done it. Move On when you're young!
As for Dan, I've had two dear friends commit suicide -- one out of the blue and the other under total suicide watch. It appears that neither suicide was for bad family situations. Both men were extremely wealthy with happy families, but both felt guilty because they invested other peoples' money in bad "Madoff" type schemes. So I say suicide should not be taken lightly, but based on past experience it can't always be prevented. At some point, as selfish as it may seem, we need to put ourselves and and our children first.
I hate to be morbid, but Dan is an adult who choice to ignore his problems. You offered to face his issues with him. He declined to participate as did my husband. I'm stuck in a hell because I stood behind my husband who was broken and too late I realized that he refused to face issues. My friend and her children, who had no clue her husband and their father was broken and would have stood with him, have grieved his suicide and moved on. In the end, my child and I have a broken person who won't change nor leave. Either way you lose, but with Dan gone you have a way forward.
Well, I can't say I am surprised. Kinda saw the bus coming!
But, over time, the kids will see through him. He isn't changing any time soon, and they will see who he is as they get older. Meanwhile, you will show them a great example of a responsible, loving, kind, faithful, and generous adult. As will as a bunch of other good words that escape me just now! And, more than likely, one of these days you will be in a new relationship that will show the kids a better example than Dan did.
So, be mad, 'cause he deserves it! But be glad... it's done, and now you can really move yourself forward!
So he clearly thinks the only good relationship is one where you agree on everything all the time.
Correction He clearly thinks "the only good relationship is one where you agree on everything he says all the time." I was matrried to one of htoswe as well. It is not about the tweo of you agreeing, it is about him being right all the time and you knowing that!
Things will work out in the end. There will be times as the kids grow that you wil be able to discuss relationships wth them. They are young now, but in the long run they will see it (and him) for what they are. I have had opportunities to discuss with my kids my beliefs and values. I have clearly stated that I do not believe that divorce is the answer. I don't believe in divorce, yet I am divorced. They know how and why we ended up divorced, nad I did not have to tell them. The truth is there and they will see it.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
All this talk about the kids realizing who was the culprit has me thinking of my daughter and whether it is important to me. I am not sure it is as important as it once was. I just try to concentrate on her well being and I am really not sure that her finding out that her mom effed up will make her feel better. My daughter is a little older than your boy BBJ and although she does not have the specifics and hopefully never will, I think she gets the genreal idea of what happened and sees the differences today between mom and dad.
I can't help but notice how Dan keeps you on the hook with his I think about getting back togather everyday.....then he slams you with you did not support him. I have read it here so often that I am almost starting to believe him....
Anyhow, I hope the tornado blew by without too much damage and the sky is sunny and weather warm.
I have not said this in a while but I am pulling for you... still....hope you detach and drop that rope soon and move on with your life. there is more to life than ONE person no matter what your history is.....
He tells them that mommy and daddy disagree on things like when to go to bed at night and how to keep the house clean...that they fought when they lived together but they don't anymore and things are better this way so it is going to stay this way forever.
Seriously??? Seriously??? He tells your kids you're getting a divorce because YOU can't keep the house clean and YOU don't know when to put them to bed???? This is the most pathetic thing I have ever heard. Is he REALLY that delusional??? Is this how he justifies f*cking around on you all these years..."well if BBJ would just clean the house and get the kids into bed on time, I wouldn't need to screw other women - it's all her fault you know." I don't know how you can even stand to look this guy in the eye.
I am with some others about setting the record straight about this with your kids. Maybe not necessarily right now, but also not to far in the distant future. You can't have Nathan thinking that "if Mom would just have cleaned the house, Dad would be living with us still."
As for Dan - IMO only, I don't think he's suicidal at all. He's too busy trying to manipulate you with the "feel sorry for poor me attitude - look I'm all teary-eyed" while deflecting the blame he owns for his failures on you or anyone else. He's not interested in hurting himself at all.
Unless it's a vital kid issue that you have to raise with him, cut him completely off BBJ. Ignore his text's, phone calls or any other communication he tries to make. You don't need to deal with his crap - let his mommy take care of him.
Sorry to be so harsh but this sh*t he has pulled really p*sses me off!!!
