I'm not sure if my situation is applicable here as my M is not a long one… but it'd be great if I can get some opinions on what to do as I'm really confused and am desperate for some help. I've been with my H for 4 years, out of which we've been married for 2. I'm 38 and my H is 37, we have no kids.
Our R was very rocky from early on. For me, the major issue has always been that H was extremely indecisive and irresponsible… he is easily influenced by others which he saw as 'I'm too nice and soft'. If the decision 'we' made doesn't turn out well, he would blame me or something else. He had a strong belief that 'when you find someone right, you don't need to work on your R = it's an eternal bliss' and 'W or GF should be understanding no matter what'. He wouldn't do anything other than go to work, he'd even complain about waiting for me in the car while I rushed to finish grocery shopping. If he couldn't sleep at night, he'd ask (more like insist) me to give him a massage. I also had to cut his hair as he 'liked it better' that way. To friends he is really nice and sweet. Anytime I raised concern about his not carrying his weight around, he would avoid it completely by ignoring me. To which I nagged big time, and he would respond with 'everyone tells me this R is not right if you need to put in so much effort'.
What I'd like to ask is… we are now separated in different countries and I'm lost as to what to do. We lived overseas and separated as we left the country, H to his and me back to mine. My belongings are being shipped to MIL's place (his country) as when we shipped them we planned to live in his country.
I'm not sure if I am the WAW? Although I have nagged and nagged, I have always felt that somehow he thinks he is better than me and disrespects me. When we argued he'd usually yell mean stuff to me such as 'disappear' '*uck off never show your face again' 'you're not a good value' 'not even physically normal (too ugly)' I feel that if I approach to make it right, he will just take advantage of it as usually I'm the one to bend and it won't be a 180. I also cannot remember much of good times together as I did almost everything on my own.
Since we've separated, we exchanged several blame-game emails, but I've gone dark after reading DR.
How should I take it from here? Please help….
Thank you in advance for reading my post and your take on my stitch.
Me:38 H:37, no kids Married: 2.5 yrs, together 5yrs Separated since Mar 2010
i'm sort of inclined to agree with R2C...seems like you are holding on to something that wasn't that great to begin with. certainly, all couples have ups and downs and disagree and argue from time to time, but it's NEVER ok to use words like "you are of no value" or "F off." personally, i do not DO NOT let anyone talk to me like that. you can be mad and angry at someone without losing your sense of respect for them. and when you allow someone to say those things to you, you give them permission to disrespect you. i don't even let people say "F you" or "F off" to me, even when they are JOKING. i don't want people talking to me that way because i know that i have self worth that is WAY ABOVE that level of (dis)respect!
i suggest you take a good look at the history of your relationship with this man. i read once that in order for their to be balance in any relationship, you have to have more positive interactions than negative. it doesn't sound like you have had that. just because you were only married for 2 years doesn't discredit the marriage itself...but be honest with yourself about what you are so fearful of letting go of.
no one deserves to be spoken to that way.
hugs, hang in there!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Thank you for your replies R2C and TTA...!! I have been trying to clear my mind and I think it's that when things were calm we got on quite well, and he was very sweet.
He lived at his mum's until he left for overseas at 34. It was pretty much like he was allowed to do anything he liked at home, no house rules, and I just replaced his mum. I thought I just need to be patient with him... but it felt like hitting against the wall, he avoided conflicts at all cost(his parents argued constantly his whole life). With these issues and being in a foreign country I was really stressed out--- the anger inside me built up so much that I lashed out at him often and he'd tell me that he is not my emotional punching bag.
Whenever we talk over the phone I get really angry. I read DR, decided to go dark. We haven't talked for over a month.
Over a week ago I sent an email telling him what I look forward to do in the near future-- without him. He replied saying 'it's really refreshing to hear about all these nice things', and that he'll 'always have love for me regardless of what I may think'
A few days ago I found out that I need to have a surgery to remove a polyp, and that I might have to wait for a few months to have it done. Our boxes are arriving at MIL's next month... rang her yesterday to ask if it's ok to keep my stuff there for a while. I don't think she was too happy to hear from me.
I'm starting to wonder maybe our M is not really worth it to fight for.
Me:38 H:37, no kids Married: 2.5 yrs, together 5yrs Separated since Mar 2010
