Saving a relationship that maybe cannot be saved

[knightinneed]

Hello I am new to these forums, but have need for serious advice.

My wife and I currently have a no-contact order in place from the court, i havent seen my wife in 2 weeks. Our daughter was taken from my wifes custody by CPS to a foster home temporarily. Currently this is number 1 in my mind as I am trying to figure out a way to get her out fast.

Our current situation is that we have been fighting CPS over a false allegation that was brought on by an fight we had that involved the police. We had a fight which she began attacking me and I called the police. She had left and went to file an EPO on me though i did not attack her.

After the EPO date - at court my lawyer helped me get it dismissed as the judge said not enough evidence who started this. At this court date a CPS worker became involved - She had interviewed us and found out about a issue my daughter had 2 times called nurse maids elbow. Each time she went to the hospital regarding this they were able to treat her and everything was ok. They advised that its normal for young kids to get this.

Well for CPS they wanted to dig deeper and decided that it was unusual for a infant to get this contrary to what her doctors said. And she kept digging and wanting to visit and check on things. EVerything was ok during this time.

They eventually called a meeting for us to go to CPS headquarters and read us their findings. The night before this my wife and I had a fight VERY BAD TIMING, i called the police like a idiot instead of just leaving and or running away, and the CPS worker found out. They said that we would need a live in monitor or for W and Daughter to go somewhere else. A no-contact order was put in place for us.

After the no-contact order was in, I was on my way home from work and upon pulling in to my driveway my Wife was there and violating the order.

Her car which i had given her after trading in her old car for my "(our new car) " was broken down. She was freaking out hysterically and saying that she is TAKING MY CAR. I told her no and she started putting her stuff in it. I took it out, and got our infants car seat and went to the porch and said you cannot take my car because how will I go to work?

She bit me and hit me, and then called the police. When they arrived she was still hysterical and we told our story to the police, i advised she was trying to take my car etc.. and bit me.

Well because she would not calm down, they arrested her for assault. I bailed her out later that night, and let her mom pick her up. The baby was at her moms for the night.

After she got outta jail, she had come to where i work and told me our Daughter was taken by CPS.

I know my 1st issue is to get baby safe and even back with mom because she is good mom when we are not fighting.

I need help and advice, I still love my family and want to fix all this no matter what i have to do.

M 35 W 29 Married 1yr Daughter 11/2 years old
Bomb - Today due to very messed up situation












We had fought sometimes in the past over very childish things such as facebook usage, ciggarette smoking, myself gaining weight, and some snooping on my part on the PC because of so much myspace/facebook use.

Our fights sometimes would get very bad one person would threaten divorce. I suspect bi-polar like behavior with W and also to a degree within myself.

I am on celexa now and i am very upset trying to figure out a solution to something that seems so doomed.

We had been married less then 1 yr after learning W was pregnant with DD 15mnths.

Our arguments were like a rollercoaster, sometimes she would kick and hit me and bite me. Also, she became verbally abusive as well. I am not innocent as it takes 2 to tango.

[knightinneed]

Someone please respond.

[tjack45]

well 1st things first. you both have some pretty serious issues. I guess my first thought is that you are never going to control her so start looking at what you can do to change yourself. Take the previous suggestions from her (your weight, smoking, facebook) ect. and determine if those are things you also see as problems. If they are work to fixing them, but only do it for yourself. I would say an IC would be the first place I would go to try and work through some of your anger issues. Perhaps your wife would see this and understand that an IC would be able to help her as well.

[tjack45]

Also, do not force the IC or anything on her. my w went to an IC early in our sitch and it may have hurt her even more. She came home telling of how me, her sister and everybody else had problems. (people will only hear what they want to when they are in such an emotional state like your W is now) My W just started going back to an IC recently (she has calmed down dramatically) 6 months into our ordeal and I really can see her changing and really working hard to better herself.

[james217]

I can help with some of this.

First of all the fighting must stop. Anger management and IC for the both of you.

If you want to get your child from cps? here is what is going to happen.

You will more than likely have a hearing stating whether or not they will have temporary custody of your D and then you will have recommended services such as parenting classes, anger management, IC, MC, and a psyc and neurological evaluation.

Here's where it's going to get tricky. CPS most definitely will not return the child to an environment with violent behavior.

They may decide one or the other must go. The R.O. looks very very bad for you man. I hate to say it but it's true.

CPS may say W may get the child because of that. Or you might get her. Or neither one. They may/may not say it's best to split up.

All I can say is NO MORE VIOLENT BEHAVIOR. If you feel it escalating? Just leave. Do not violate the R.O. dude.

This is really really bad. and due to wife violating the N.C. order it's going to make it worse

CPS is going to pick your case apart at the hearing. You and W are going to have to do whatever services they recommend and show you guys can get along.

Everything else needs to STOP STOP STOP.

[james217]

The assault charge on her makes it bad as well.

Every little thing you have done recently is going into that report. If there's ever been any other 911 calls it's going there. They are going to talk to the school or daycare, neighbors, or family.

Is there someone else in the area who can possibly take D until you guys can have the hearing, complete the court ordered cps services and get some IC, MC, and anger counseling (cps will probably pay for those as well)

you are going to lose your D if you guys don't stop man. Please listen to me.

No more violence. no more police. no more anger or shouting and fighting. NO phone calls. No contact until E.O is removed. Probably until cps recommends services

you need to make a list of people IN YOUR AREA who D can stay with in case cps decides to put her with another relative or foster care temporarily

You'll have six months to a year (usually) to get it together. but it must stop now.

[james217]

Also, do not force the IC or anything on her. my w went to an IC early in our sitch and it may have hurt her even more. She came home telling of how me, her sister and everybody else had problems. (people will only hear what they want to when they are in such an emotional state like your W is now) My W just started going back to an IC recently (she has calmed down dramatically) 6 months into our ordeal and I really can see her changing and really working hard to better herself.

since cps is involved she's really not going to have a choice (if she wants her D back) regarding the IC they are going to order that and a slew of other services.

He cannot make her go, but it's pretty important to getting D back.

I agree though tjack. I'm going to look at your sitch

[knightinneed]

Thanks for the replies, Daughter is with a foster family now because they didnt send a summons and called emergency hearing due to my W's assault case.

They left msg at home and didnt call me at work. Yes my sister or W's mom is an option for alternate guardian.

Tomorrow I meet with CPS and try and see if i can gain custody and explain how I wasnt contacted via summons etc... I will see if i can get D to a better place then foster care.


I know i have to focus on this 1st, but i worry about the longterm and fixing all issues with my wife. I love her and my daughter and when things were good Life was good.

Its hard to apply DB in this situation, but i think my wife is leaning toward divorce. I know now I need to DB hard for any type of relationship going forward.

The CPS lady said we needed a divorce and likely is telling this to my wife. Said we were oil and water.

I am so sad and depressed now I feel bad, even with the anti-depressant celexa. I just want things to be back to the way they were as Our Relationship was doing good before the conference with CPS as it freaked my wife out and made her react in very hysterical ways.

We were seeing a counselor and working on things, now i fear it could be over. What other things can I do to help myself.

[james217]

Thanks for the replies, Daughter is with a foster family now because they didnt send a summons and called emergency hearing due to my W's assault case.

They left msg at home and didnt call me at work. Yes my sister or W's mom is an option for alternate guardian.

Tomorrow I meet with CPS and try and see if i can gain custody and explain how I wasnt contacted via summons etc... I will see if i can get D to a better place then foster care.


I know i have to focus on this 1st, but i worry about the longterm and fixing all issues with my wife. I love her and my daughter and when things were good Life was good.

Its hard to apply DB in this situation, but i think my wife is leaning toward divorce. I know now I need to DB hard for any type of relationship going forward.

The CPS lady said we needed a divorce and likely is telling this to my wife. Said we were oil and water.

I am so sad and depressed now I feel bad, even with the anti-depressant celexa. I just want things to be back to the way they were as Our Relationship was doing good before the conference with CPS as it freaked my wife out and made her react in very hysterical ways.

We were seeing a counselor and working on things, now i fear it could be over. What other things can I do to help myself.

let me go smoke a cigarette and I will reply. what state are you in? I'm going through this right now with all 3 kiddies so give me a second

[knightinneed]

Im in Ky