She is not getting much traffic on her thread. She needs coaching on how to make him work for an opportunity at reconciliation.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I agree FM- I think she is really needing some serious guidance. I posted once to her after you mentioned she needed input but haven't followed up. I will look again but it definitely would help her if others could give her input.
I mean her hubby is still living with his OW till the lease ends and THEN wants to move back in with Mystik- it is not sitting well with me at all!
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Mystik- his life is a soap opera, not yours- you are going to distance yourself for all of this. You just have to.
I recommend going very dim and file for support, IMHO.
Last edited by june72; 04/26/1006:51 PM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Mystik, I know where you are on the whole preg thing. My H's tramp got knocked up as well. I realize that this whole thing has got your head spinning, however like any of multitude of sitches here... this is one more in a long line of smashes to our heads. I realize that this whole thing is VERY new right now... and from my own experience with this... when in doubt about which way to move... do nothing. Don't make any complete decisions either way. In your other thread, Puppy said the anger is coming. It is. Bad time to make decisions, just yet. Doesn't mean you don't get your ducks in a row... which others have said here... get a good lawyer. Like June says... go dim to dark. That's the bad news.... so...
I'll fast forward to "my ending", so it'll give some options. My H and I are back together. And yep, there is no books written on the subject. I just wanted to let you know, it does happen. Odds against odds, it does happen. It wasn't without many a grey hair, and a few added wrinkles to this old face of mine... but reconciling DOES still happen. What it took was some very hard decisions on my part to keep him at arms length until he got his head on straight, for good. Your H's husband's head nowhere NEAR deciding where he wants to be. Letting him move back in... bad idea. He's being pushed by guilt from both ends, he's afraid, and probably by now is realizing just how much of a screw up he's been or will in the near future. He'll be looking for you to lean on now... Don't enable him by letting him find a safe haven when what he really needs is a big fat dose of reality. Let him LIVE in that reality for a while. It'll do him good and it'll give you the time and space to let the dust settle. Keep saying to yourself right now... he's screwed up in the head. Every time you think of his name... keep thinking about it like that. The relationship with the OW isn't going to last. That's a pretty safe bet. What you choose to do in the mean time is really up to you. You actually now are in control. You may not see it yet... but you are.
Just so you also know... your H has flip flopped and now has indicated that he is now thinking of staying with the OW. Been there, done that too, before we got back together for good. My H warbled around for months with this insanity when he first found out she was preg. He actually showed up with her 6/8 weeks preg and asked me if I would consider raising the baby with him. She knew nothing about that little tid bit. He was being pulled emotionally all over the place. So... FWIW,.. At first, I gave him lots of space and encouragement to validate his feelings of fear, guilt and all that. I became his "friend". When we had a false start...I thought at the time that maybe it was a large waste of time to be nice to him...because when he told the OW we were going to get back together, she managed to yank and manipulate his strings into making him stay with her because of the pregnancy. He rejected me again. For me... I was done. It was done. It took him a week to realize/and relay to me that he knows how large of a screw up of everyone's life he had made and that losing me was the largest of all. I wasn't even angry any more... I just saw a broken man who KNEW he'd "blown" the best thing to happen to him. Me.
Before him telling me that, I thought for sure, it was over, dead in the water... and oddly, my 2 best friends and even my C said... Nope... he'll be back. I honestly couldn't see at the time what would make them say that. Looking back on it... it makes sense now. Fear does funny things to people. Your H is chasing his tail. He'll get dizzy eventually.
Just so you know... it was after my H's revelation and telling me it was me he wanted to be with etc, it was then that I head into "Going dim/dark". That's where you get your sense of sanity and control. I held my H at bay... and you know ... he was needing and wanting all that warm fuzzy stuff he'd been getting from me in the prior months, validating his fear etc. *smile*... Forbidding him to returning to that "teet" ... made him want it all the more. Ah... people usually want what they can't have. The ensuing 4 months was the biggest test of my will power and was one of the hardest things I had to do. Keep him at bay. He was allowed to phone, that's it... (which he did 4/5/6/7 times a day). He practically begged to come over Xmas eve. I refused him. Talked to him on the phone for many hours that night. And the nights that followed, I'd break a bit and ask him what HE wanted. Get him involved in saying what he wants. If he says he doesn't know or can't give you the answers you need to hear... he's not ready yet. IT's there in those convos where you can negotiate the rules for a reconcile. You don't have to be pressured by a face to face emotional meeting.
Now, ultimately, you may decide this is IT for you. And if you do... darlin' just know you've done everything humanly possible to work things out. You didn't sign up for this when you married him. However,... if somewhere in the back of your mind, something is telling you... stand back and wait this out... then do just that. Know in advance that the next 6 to 12 months is going to be a wild roller coaster ride. (I did that too, you can survive it.) It's not easy. Not by a long shot... and you may... may still come out of it empty handed. Somewhere along the way you have to come to REAL terms with that.
In all this long winded-ness, I decided to "play it out". If you choose to do the same... make a plan... listen to the folks here and don't let him back in... not yet.... and just know that marriage DO get beyond this. And yeah... there's still things to iron out in my sitch... (mostly my sadness/feelings)..but that's for another thread.
I'll be thinking about you. Hugs, Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Thanks Abbey, it helps to hear from people who ahve been in my situation. Right now my heart is saying to stand back and wait, but as you said I still need to get my ducks in a row and lawyer up. He is just as stunned and confused as I am, but he did acknowledge that his actions towards me are inexcusable. So that gives me something to cling to, even though I know it's a false hope it's still something, ya know? And yes, the next several months are going to be torturous but I just need to plug along and pray my way through them.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
Stunned and confused. Yep. That's going to be his mode for many months to come. If you stand back and wait this out... keep the door opened only a wee few inches,... but don't ALLOW him to get past it until his brain re-engages. He'll probably try everything he can to come to you for a respite in order to go back and deal with his mess. DON'T let him. Let him wallow up to his neck in the REALITY he's made. That... oddly enough, I think, is your best chance to get him back if that's what you want.
You said... false hope. I happen to think you're still in the game. He's not dumped you outright. (mine did for a week) He's still clinging to you to keep from drowning in his new messy reality. My advice, based on my experience: be nice, don't let his drama become your drama... just be very firm that HE has to fix his mess. HE has to get his head on straight. HE has to decide once and for all where he wants to be. Only reward "good behavior" towards you.
I kept mine on the phone for the final four months before we reconciled. Right now you have the capacity to TAKE the control you'll need to wade through this, if you choose to do so. He'll probably even be sulky or mad that you aren't going to cooperate with his spin cycle. He wants you to "be there" so that he can stay in that spin cycle without making a firm decision. Try not to play that game. The hardest thing you'll have to do right now... is REJECT him and his want to drag you into the spin cycle. He'll probably balk initially... might even tell you he doesn't want to see you anymore. Uhm... like my C said... He'll be back. I didn't believe it then, but it made sense afterward. You are his FLOATING device. He'll reach again for it.
*hugs* Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Stunned and confused. Yep. That's going to be his mode for many months to come. If you stand back and wait this out... keep the door opened only a wee few inches,... but don't ALLOW him to get past it until his brain re-engages. He'll probably try everything he can to come to you for a respite in order to go back and deal with his mess. DON'T let him. Let him wallow up to his neck in the REALITY he's made. That... oddly enough, I think, is your best chance to get him back if that's what you want.
You said... false hope. I happen to think you're still in the game. He's not dumped you outright. (mine did for a week) He's still clinging to you to keep from drowning in his new messy reality. My advice, based on my experience: be nice, don't let his drama become your drama... just be very firm that HE has to fix his mess. HE has to get his head on straight. HE has to decide once and for all where he wants to be. Only reward "good behavior" towards you.
I kept mine on the phone for the final four months before we reconciled. Right now you have the capacity to TAKE the control you'll need to wade through this, if you choose to do so. He'll probably even be sulky or mad that you aren't going to cooperate with his spin cycle. He wants you to "be there" so that he can stay in that spin cycle without making a firm decision. Try not to play that game. The hardest thing you'll have to do right now... is REJECT him and his want to drag you into the spin cycle. He'll probably balk initially... might even tell you he doesn't want to see you anymore. Uhm... like my C said... He'll be back. I didn't believe it then, but it made sense afterward. You are his FLOATING device. He'll reach again for it.
