Watched a brief interview of a famous soccer player who's well known for his boasting ways and he said "look, I have to talk bigger than what I maybe able to achieve... otherwise the weaker me will grow bigger and bigger and I won't be able to play well" I thought wow, even a world famous player has the "weaker me".
Mental training takes you far I guess...
The match England v Germany was amazing, E with all those star players who are paid sh!t loads and Germany with players who are next to unknown in the world stage. And G looked as if they are casually playing with kids. Not much of a football fan but the world cup makes me feel good.
I emailed on Friday, she replies by Weds, not terrible but not brilliant.
The email was nothing but fluff... very little substance, one quick question about my weekend. She mentioned that she and her friend spent a lot of time drinking copious amounts of champagne on the weekend... She barely drank while with me. She said that she didn't like the person she became when she got too drunk.
She's still online, just idle.
... so no assumptions. The weekend was as she said it was. Good, nothing much happened. She dog sat and saw a friend.
So now what?
I take a day or two, reply something fluffy and wait. I know it's a form of progress, I know we're at least talking... and I should be happy with any kind of positive communication... but I'm not. I hate emails like this when I'm hurting so much from it all.
Wish I knew what else to do.. no, that's not true. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make her wake up to herself, but given that I'm all out of magic these days I have to settle for the slow and unpredictable route and it'll have to be good enough for me.
It's been a good week so far to be honest. My contemporary class was very intense, but I'm making less and less mistakes. The instructor is thrilled with me and spending loads of time on my turn out and flexibility, which are both really coming along.
There's two girls at contemporary who have started talking to me now as well. Both are really friendly (and a little flirty), but it's nice to finally be meeting people at these things.
Ballroom was intense. The new shoes did a lot of good, were incredibly light weight, and hurt like hell come the end of the night! It looks like I am moving towards some kind of a permanent partnership with this slender 24yr old french girl. She's absolutely lovely, and a much better ballroom dancer than I am, which is great.
At the end of the night ANOTHER girl who I've been chatting to over the weeks, came up and invited me out for a "Strictly platonic cup of coffee". I've agreed because she stressed that she's not hitting on me, and more friends is exactly what I need right now. An older lady also came and invited me to come with her and her husband and a bunch of others to a social dance night on Friday... again, I agreed because it seems like a great chance to practice my skills AND make friends. More of what I need.
Work has been stupidly busy, but good. My co-workers are feeling the stress more than I am, but I seem to be helping them and the way they think about managing the stress, so that makes me feel all kinds of good.
...and finally, yesterday, I got my license! Finally a P plater. Just waiting for my mechanic friend to find me a car and I'll be 100% on the road! Very pleased with myself.
....and that is a list of all of the things that I want to tell my wife... but won't. Instead I'll probably reply with less than an 8th of that, and avoid most of the important bits in favour of levity.
*sigh*
Oh well, at least good things are happening.
If I have enough energy I'll throw up that list of goals later tonight... after Hip Hop.
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
I've been calling a mate after Hip Hop for coffee, and it turned out this week he was doing a double bill with two different bands - so two gigs back to back. On top of that, my brother called for a drink, so I met up with loads of different people, chatted all night, and listened to some fantastic live music... I didn't get home till gone 1.
The problem? Still lonely, still missing her the entire time. What else can I do to fight for her? I hate just sitting around waiting for things to happen. It sucks.
So today i'm struggling through office work... being tired really makes it harder to keep that PMA going. I think a quiet night is in order tonight. Lots of sleep.
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
OK, so I'm starting to realise that I'm spending too much time moping... but I'm not really sure how to stop.
I've not managed to catch up on the sleep I missed, and it's not for want of trying. I am burning the candle at as many ends as it has in an effort to get tired enough to sleep, but it's not working.
I just can't stop thinking about her, and us. I'm trying to make plans and set goals, but it all just seems so futile.
I got my license... so now what? I don't feel like I can share it with her.
It hasn't changed my life any. Everything is feeling empty and pointless. I'm living with my parents and sounding like a teenager. It's pathetic.
The only bit of me she sees is always upbeat and happy... and I'm trying to GAL and get out of the house as much as possible, seeing people, doing things, trying new stuff... it just doesn't sink in like it's supposed to.
I've been toying with goal lists the last little while but nothing is really coming. Nothing feels like it'll satisfy. It scares me to say, but the best I've felt in the last 2 months was when I passed out after stabbing myself. Yes this sounds melodramatic and attention seeking, and I'm really not. I'm not planning on doing anything stupid... I'm just having trouble seeing the point at the moment.
Going out dancing again tonight, maybe I'll post something more positive when I get home.
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
I went out this afternoon and bought myself some new clothes...some MORE new clothes. Turns out I hate wearing even my UK T-shirts!
There was a sale on and I bought a whole bunch of very "un-blind" shirts. Bright colours, tight fitting... even ended up with a M when I usually wear XL - being a typical bloke I bought them without trying them on.. got home and WOW, the M fits fantastically! Tight around the shoulders and pecks, with plenty of room around the stomach! I'm already a new man!
So, I spent the day today getting my head in order and trying to visualise this new "life" of mine. I have some goals and I think I'm in a position to realise some, if not all of them!
So, here goes:
Move - 6mths for the job contract to expire, 6mths to get my stuff together and get out of this little city. I was aiming for Sydney, but the size of the houses has just been getting me down.. enter Wollongong - 1hr south of Sydney, easy to drive to, easy drive back to Canberra. On my current salary I could afford a 1 or even 2 bedroom flat walking distance from the beach! Sounds like a good stepping stone to me, I'm getting excited about it! (PLUS it has a very highly regarded Ballroom studio... working on contacts NOW!)
Get Published! - Easier than it sounds... the main thing I need to do is push an artist into getting a story finished and I'm in... but I need to get my butt into gear and try getting my writer's hat back on... not the easiest one, but definitely achievable.
Learn Japanese - I'd love to do a trip over there, and I'd hate to be 'just another tourist'. There was a pamphlet dropped on my desk the other day addressed to an old staff member, and it's for night schools... including a beginner Japanese course! I've got to look tomorrow at the days and see if I can fit it into my schedule... which brings me to the important one that I'm having trouble saying out loud-
SYTYCD - I think I can dance. I think I'm learning enough styles and am versatile at enough styles that with a whole heap of work, I could actually get into (Australian version of) this show! So I'm going to do it! I'm going to get working and if I fail this year I'll double my efforts and I'll get in next year! I'm going to walk out on that stage, pull a quad spin, rip open my shirt and have the crowd screaming at my-
6 Pack Abs - I've already lost a lot of weight... sure, there's more to go, but my hand is healing so I can amp the work up! If I do some ab work each day, reduce the fat intake a bit more, and keep up the dancing, I'm sure I'll start to see those little muscles underneath!
Acting - Something I wanted to do AGES ago was follow through with my acting... I did some modeling when younger and slimmer, but I haven't aged much in the face, and the body is getting back. I didn't push for it because W was worried I'd have to act romantically with other women... not so much a problem now! I've got some friends who are professional photographers and can get me headshots done on the very very cheap, so that's what I'm going to do! Get the shots done, send them to agencies, move to Wollongong and commute to whatever work they can get me in the big smoke!
One life to live, what's the worst that could happen?
She'll divorce me? Hell, she's hardly speaking to me at the moment! Being divorced is hardly a change from that, right?
I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm lonely, I've suffered every damn thing she could throw at me...
But what's that they say about a man who's lose everything??
NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE!
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
Had the surgery done a few days back and came back from the hospital. Another doctor was telling me it's such an easy op that I'll be able to fly the next day... but... no way! I'm feeling quite well but not that well.
Well B, I now know why you were saying you aren't too fond of your city... I have two friends from there and they told me the same thing so many times.
Have you considered the northern beaches area? (Curl Curl, Dee Why, Collaroy, Narrabeen) You can look for work in Manly/ Chatswood/ Brookvale... anywhere on that side of the bridge but not too south, since working in the city is probably a bit too much to commute. Rent is cheaper the further you go from the city... Manly is expensive if you don't share.
I've given a little thought to my stitch the last few weeks, wondered why H is 'too busy with work to file'. I'm thinking he might be too ashamed to do it since all relatives around him are religious and none are D.
Hi Kara, thanks for the support! I hope you DO feel fantastic, and if not, it's back to the shops for you!
MOON! I'm so glad the surgery went well! That's fantastic news. It's also great that the doctor is... slightly optimistic, but still, saying good things is better than saying bad, right? Means you've got nothing to worry about.
What I've seen of the northern beaches they've been too expensive for me as well. I LOVE the area (one day I'll own a mansion in Avalon, just you wait and see!), but I think I need to be more realistic and move slowly.
I'm not too keen to share... I've lived in a few share houses, some that are fantastic, and some that are a 4 walled hell. I'm not really up for the risk. If I can set myself up working and dancing, then the lack of housemates won't really matter TOO much.
I found a swing class down in the gong that if you pay and go to the Monday night, you can attend the Wednesday and Thursday for free! Fantastic if I find myself a little tight on cash when I first move!
I think what you're saying about your sitch is true in A LOT of people's sitch's. It's one thing to say "I'm gone, done, out the door", but it's another thing entirely to actually deal with any kind of paperwork. The finality of it all is hard to face, as is the shame and any other contributing factors (LIKE religious ones).
I keep telling myself that she hasn't filed... but then I also tell myself that she's not contacted, and probably has to wait a period of time for separation before she can... I haven't looked too deep into the legalities of it.
Gotta live like they have filed. Gotta get up and move on. If they can catch up, fine. If not, fine.
Yeah?
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
Right, so... she replied. Most pointless email I've had in a while from her.
She has heard about my hand through the grapevine over there and asked what happened with frowny faces. She gloated about her lovely new car... effectively a "divorce present" from her father. And chatted a little mindlessly about dancing.
Sorry, I know I should be happy to be opening communication channels and all, but this is fluff. This is nonsense. There doesn't seem to be any emotional attachment here at all.
I'm starting to really question why I'm bothering at all. It's no longer a relationship, it's a quiet passing word with someone I am starting to feel like I don't even know.
Every other email I've received with a horrible feeling, flushed cheeks, boiling blood, SOMETHING... I felt nothing reading this today. Just nothing.
I love my wife, but it's starting to feel more and more like she's a figment of my imagination. Not really sure where to go to next.
I haven't replied yet. What do I say to that? Keep the chit chat going? Maybe I'm just feeling disheartened tonight.
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
I have been wondering why I bother as well. I think we can only take so much and our psyche switches to protect us by going numb (also called detaching?)
When I started nc, it was hard not to reply to H's negative emails but after a week it suddenly got easier and I couldn't care less anymore. All this DBing... what's the point if H feels it's not worth it to work at M. This nc is going on for almost 1.5 mths and it's totally dead. I didn't even contact him for his BD, he always took me for granted and I knew he expected to hear from me no matter how terrible his words were. So I ignored it all.
What he values or not is not my issue anymore. It is not the end of my life and if he thinks walking away fixes his problems, then he can take how ever long to find out he will have the same wall coming up against him again sooner or later.
I culled his side on my FB as on Nfeed I saw his fam writing to a relative "all is fine here, everyone's well". It's as if I've never existed and it feels as if this whole M never happened... did I imagine it all?
If you don't feel motivated to reply, you can hold it until you feel like it. At least that's something you have control over.
