I have been reading posts for several hours and some of these situations seem like direct reflections of what I have going on in my life right now. I am 32 years old and have been married to my wife 29 for almost 4 years this May. We have a son 6 yrs and a daughter 18 months. My wife is currently in an online/text messaging affair with her ex boyfriend and she tells me she doesn't love me, she's not happy, she never loved me, and she doesn't want to be with anyone. I'm so scared of losing my family, my kids, my wife, and my life as I know it that I don't know what to do anymore. It came to a head this week and I took the entire week off work because I was too distraught to even think about something other than our troubled marriage. I love my wife without question and keeping my family intact is a huge priority for me. I am not pro-divorce and think it is terrible for everyone involved. I am so desperate for answers on how to repair and heal our marriage before she tries to leave and after reading several posts, I have made many mistakes.
I don’t want to paint the picture that my wife is the bad person in this situation, my wife is a wonderful person and I blame my past actions for 75% of our problems. I want to right my wrongs and become a better person, the person she wants to be married to so we can live long happy lives together. I was not very good at being in tune and connected with my wife, and I didn’t communicate very well with her. I had a tendency to get stressed out over silly situations, in particular if it was about money, or bring home the stress from my high stress job. We would get in ridiculous arguments at times where there were no real winners. I know now this made me an unpleasant person to be around at times. My wife was very good at making me a better father, and always influenced me about how much time I was spending with the kids, so I know deep down family is important to her even though she now acts like a divorce is the best thing and the kids will be fine and I’ll see them just as much. In my mind, things won’t be fine, I won’t see the kids as much, which will absolutely devastate me, and in general a divorce will not be best for our family.
I found out about the “affair” in early February. We took the kids to the Children’s Museum and she seen her ex there with his family. I guess her seeing him there made her want to contact him through Facebook. I noticed she added someone to her Facebook friends list I didn’t know, and I asked her about him. She wasn’t totally honest with me at first and made it sound like no big deal. I started noticing excessive Facebook time in the browsing history and I became suspicious of what was going on. Our marriage hasn’t exactly been going so great, so I was somewhat insecure. My wife hasn’t slept in the same bed with me for about 1-1/2 years. She always told me she was having a hard time dealing with an unfortunate miscarriage she had, so she slept with our daughter after she was born and that is where she has slept since. I’ve “complained” about it numerous times with no good results sometimes ending in arguments and eventually thought she would come back to bed after our daughter grew older. Now she is telling me she doesn’t sleep in the same bed because she isn’t in love with me and never has been and the thought of sex just isn’t appealing because she doesn’t feel connected to me. So knowing our marriage wasn’t everything it should be, I was obviously curious what her motivation was by contacting her ex on Facebook. I logged into her email and found several messages back and forth between them. I confronted her about this, making up the story she left her email account open, and she tried to make excuses and say it wasn’t a big deal, she doesn’t like him like that etc… This went on for about 3 weeks, and then I came across a message that they met up at a bar when my wife went out for her sisters 21st birthday. I was not a happy camper and wanted to know what was really going on. I called this guy up to find out what his intentions were with my wife and I encountered a raving lunatic that seems to be obsessed with my wife. His marriage was on the rocks, and I’m not sure but think he and his wife have called it quits, and he seemed very infatuated with my wife. She said they dated for a few months before we were married and he was more serious about them than she was and then it was over. Once I talked to this guy, I became more and more bent on knowing what was going on so I installed a keylogger software (www.webwatcherdata.com if anyone is interested) on our computer and I found Facebook chatting galore and she created a new email account to try and hide from me. I hate spying on her and I think the spying mentality has pushed her away even more, but it’s very hard to know what to do when your wife spends hours upon hours chatting with her ex. I ended up confronting my wife letting her know I knew about all the hours spent chatting and wanted to know what she seen in this guy. He paints a pretty fairytale picture for her, Mr Sensitive that is perfect in every way, but when I called and talked to him, I got the raw uncensored true picture of what this guy really is. From the very little she has told me, he’s in touch with her and listens, and I guess fills the void in everything I don’t do well, so much so that she feels she doesn’t need me in her life. After about the first month of going crazy, and spying, she agreed to call it quits with this guy, eventually removed him from her Facebook account and I felt like we were on the right path.
During this time, I was reading Divorce Remedy trying to find the answers to save my marriage. My wife instantly rejected the idea of reading a book about marriage, saying she doesn’t need a book to tell her how she feels. I made the mistake of trying to justify the book and get her to read a chapter or two which didn’t happen. I was open to the idea of reading a book if it would help me save my marriage because I know I’m not a relationship expert and I was captivated after just a few pages, like Michelle had a webcam in our house and knew exactly what was going on. Anyway, I kept reading and was trying to make some changes in my life, because I don’t want my wife to be unhappy, I want to be the best husband possible and I know I took our marriage for granted in the past just thinking everything was fine. My wife made comments here and there about noticing nice changes in me, there were very little arguments, but she was still hesitant thinking I would just go back to my old ways. We took the kids on a little mini-vacation to an indoor water park, the zoo, and aquarium and had a nice time. We went on a couple “dates” to a nice Italian restaurant, seen a movie or two and spent some good quality time together. We started making plans for summer vacations and we both wanted to take a nice Caribbean vacation in addition to taking the kids to Disney this year. She wanted to go back to where we were married in Jamaica, so I booked the package and we were set to go in June. Her birthday came around in April and she bought several new outfits for the beach and 2-3 new bikinis and we went shopping for some clothes for me as well. The old me would have been freaking out with all this money spending, but the new me is more relaxed and I just want to have a happy life with my family, and if it’s taking vacations with my family then so be it. So I’m under the impression things are getting better. Last week, we had sex for the first time in a couple months and it was great, but I want it to be more than just sex. My wife just thinks I’m trying to get sex from her, but as good as the sex is with her, I want to be connected with my wife emotionally much more and not make it just an act of sex. I try to tell my wife these things, but it comes across like I’m just saying it, not doing it and she’s very closed off to me. Last week on Friday, my wife told me she was going to go out with her sister and maybe a couple other friends and I said it was fine by me, I stayed home and watched the kids. The next night I took my son to his first baseball game and we had a great time. When the game was over, I was going to take my son to his grandmothers where my wife and daughter were staying, and my wife texted me she was going out with some friends again on Saturday and she was already gone by the time I got there. I dropped my son off and went home. I was somewhat curious about what my wife was up to because she was being kind of secretive, so on Sunday I checked the cell phone website and seen she started texting/calling an unknown number over 300 times in one weekend. I instantly started getting nervous again, so I called the number from a payphone, and it was her raving lunatic ex-boyfriends number. I held out until Tuesday, all the while my wife is wearing her wedding ring and she’s talking about the Jamaica trip, and I came home from work early because I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I printed off all the text messages/phone calls and confronted her about it after she tried to lie to me about who it was. It turned into a complete blowout with her leaving with our daughter and not coming back for several hours. We talked to each other again on Wednesday, but I checked the cell phone website again and seen she had stayed up til 4 am texting him. She keeps her cell phone on her hip at all times and always has her messages deleted in case I find it. The text messages are out of control now, and Wednesday night I made the mistake of asking her if she was having some quality text message time with her boyfriend in front of our son. That was a mistake, I shouldn’t have done that, but I’m so confused on why she is so bent on talking to this guy, especially after she told me she was done with him and hasn’t gave him a second thought. She claims she has talked to a lawyer and has a place lined up to live although I’m not sure how true all this is. Today was better, we took the kids to the and we went and got pizza, but the conversation came up again about how she doesn’t love me and she’s unhappy and I can’t make her happy and she never loved me. I instantly react from pure emotion and try to tell her she’s wrong and I can be the man in her life to make her happy and I’m totally dedicated to that. She’s so completely resistant to that talk. I can’t understand how she went from not talking to her ex and all ready to take a major vacation with me where we were married, to not even wanting to live with me in a matter of a few days. My wife is probably similar to me in several ways in that she acts on raw emotion sometimes, and my hopes are that she says things she doesn’t really mean.
I’m so lost and I feel like I’m back at square one and she’s got a foot out the door. This is one of the lowest points in my life and I can’t make a rational thought about how to make progress. I’m pretty much convinced I’m going to call one of these Divorce Coaches, praying that I can get help fast. Any help and support is greatly appreciated !!
Dan
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
I checked the cell phone website again today and she's texted him like 40 times today. I'm contemplating having the number blocked both texts and phone calls, but I'm worried it will make her even more mad at me and want to retreat faster. I feel like I'm paying for her to put a nail in the coffin of our marriage with this stupid text messaging crap.
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
Dan- sorry you are here my friend, i understand what you are going through, the range of emotions and all. Relax and breathe, do not confront W without a plan.
some vets will be along that are well versed in busting affairs and what actions to take.
just wanted you to know we are here with you
Gman
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Dan, It seems as though this OM has a family too.. Seems like you have enough to confirm at least an EA.. I guess you would need to confirm an PA then, bust it wide open.. The vets will help here...
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
A book which I feel is becoming a must-read for the left-behind spouse is The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. There is a blog post that gives some examples of the techniques Anderson discusses for putting yourself and your life back together.
Another good book for you to look at is The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca; it discusses much of the same stuff as Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy, and also covers topics like emotional reactivity (here is a good article by Scott Ginsberg on the subject) and detachment (here is a Livestrong.com article on detachment). If you can work on detaching and overcoming emotional reactivity, you have some useful tools for when the rebuilding begins.
Next, work on yourself. The easiest way to start this is to read, read, read. 1000ships collected a whole bunch of good articles by James J. Messina, the author of "Developing Detachment" above, in this thread.
Psychology Today has a good series of articles that may help, as well:
Getting Back Together by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz
His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I checked the cell phone website again today and she's texted him like 40 times today. I'm contemplating having the number blocked both texts and phone calls, but I'm worried it will make her even more mad at me and want to retreat faster. I feel like I'm paying for her to put a nail in the coffin of our marriage with this stupid text messaging crap.
If you don't want to pay for it, then don't pay for it. Cut off her phone, and tell her "I decided that I will no longer pay for a cellphone for you to use to disrespect our marriage by carrying on an affair." Blocking it is just childish.
Dan...I blocked my W's cell phone. It made her mad. and you should do the same. It won't stop her from contacting him and it WILL make her mad; but you don't have to pay for her cheating. These are consequences that she needs to feel.
After you block the number, she'll probably run out and get her own cell phone or a pre-paid. Make sure that she isn't using joint accounts to pay for it.
And Puppy, I chose to block because I wanted to make sure that she had a cell phone for emergencies when she had my kids. Once she got her own cell phone; I cancelled the one that I was paying for.
Last edited by marriedCrazy; 04/23/1007:33 PM. Reason: comments added for Puppy
I asked her if she thought it was fair I was paying for a phone so she could stay up all hours of the night and during the day texting this guy and she instantly got defensive and she says she feels like I'm trying to control her. She doesn't react well when I "smother" her and it usually ends up badly. I want her to still have a phone so she can call her mom or whatever, I just don't want it used to talk to this guy. I can't understand how she can't see the logic in this, but somehow I am the bad guy by approaching her about this situation. I think I am going to block the number to try and cut off her communications with him. Unfortunately I feel like if she does divorce me, I will get the short end of the stick and she'll get my kids. I feel so trapped and I just want it to work out so we can be a family again.
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
Since this guy possibly has ended his marriage, I feel like my wife is feeding off his situation to do the same with ours. He's fanning the flame and texting her Ex seems like the worst possible scenario if our marriage has any kind of chance. If it is going to end, I want it to be on our own terms and not influenced by the outside world accelerating our demise. She is leaving tonight to go down to her moms so they can have a family breakfast tomorrow. I want to believe her, but obviously I have all kinds of thoughts running through my head right now. I'm playing it cool, playing with my kids, treating her respectfully and trying to be upbeat instead of moping around the house on the verge of meltdown every 30 minutes. I believe I will have the number blocked after she leaves tonight. Thanks for everyones feedback so quickly, I need it. Knowing my wife, aggressive behavior or having ultimatums will backfire in a heart beat, and I believe more passive behavior will work best.
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
