Journal: I am nervous this AM. Nervouse I made the wrong decision. One of my H's main complaints about me in our relationship is that I was too controlling and demanding. I know he's going to see this as another move to "force" him to do what I want. He's not going to be instantly sorry - he's going to be angry, low, depressed, more angry.
I didn't mention it yesterday, but the computer battery died right as I was about to send the email. Act of God on that timing? Don't know - but I sent the darn email anyway.
Since I've done this, I'm going to have to work my tail off to educate those that might see it as an agressive act of retaliation.
Control is NOT a bad word.. the alternative is OUT Of control... which describes your marriage right now doens't it?
Reducing control right now would just allow the marriage to become even MORE derailed...
Stick to your guns... you are NOT in a position right now to start being nice... There are OTHER positive changes you can make in the marriage to make it more inviting, but going SOFT on him because he doesn't like commitment and schedule or doens't like taking direction is NOT a good idea...
People having affairs almost ALWAYS accuse their spouses of being too controlling...
If you ask me they werne't controlling the marriage enough... no one was and it ended up falling off the tracks...
It is time TO take control of the marriage again.. I stand by the letter... take your power and initiative an your dignitiy BACK...
Thanks, Allen - Yes, I did get a surge of dignity and power right after I did it yesterday. I think my nervousness is hoping other people can see why I did this. And just waiting for my H to hear I did it is nervewracking.
Thinking of sending this to his sister (she has a new baby so we don't talk on phone much - mostly email thru facebook). The formatting is better in Word, I swear.
Dear __________: I really appreciate your offering support for my situation with ______. I have decided to take a tough love approach with ____________ and appreciate your support in this. You need to know that my fundamental belief is that marriages are “for better and for worse” and “till death do us part.” As a child of divorce, I know that there is damage that comes with the disintegration of a family, and I do not want to see ____ suffer that as well. Over the past few months (and even before really), I have tried a “be really nice and see what happens” approach with _____. This has not been effective. If anything, it’s probably told him that the affair is not that bothersome to me and that divorce will be a simple process. Just this week, I have encountered evidence that he is still involved with her. I have spent hours combing over infidelity books and websites, and what I have learned is that an affair is highly addictive. You will notice that ________ is showing similar behaviors to a drug addiction – cutting off all family, not using rational thought, lying consistently. I’m not saying ____ is on drugs; I have found no evidence that suggests this. I do think, however, that his infatuation with this other woman is causing him to behave in the manner of an addict. Another thing to note about affairs is that they are based on fantasy, not reality. In this case, _____ is choosing between a fun, fancy-free, no-responsibility relationship and a relationship that comes with all of the work associated with a family. It’s easy to see which one is more fun and entertaining. However, most affair relationships do not last over time – as soon as a stressor enters the relationship, the fantasy world starts to fall apart. Unfortunately, most of the time unfaithful spouses have already lost their family by the time rational thinking starts to return. As such, I have decided to use a tough love approach with ____. At some points, my decisions and actions may look like I’m being mean to him, but the basic concept is simple. I will not enable the affair or cover up his affair. He needs to face the full consequences of his decisions and the fully reality of breaking up a family. How can you help? • Support the tough love decisions I make with ________. He is likely to be very angry at some points. Remind him that HE is the one who CHOSE to engage in an affair while married. If he didn’t want people to know about it or he didn’t want to face the consequences of this, he should not have done it. • Encourage him to go back to his family. Tell him you believe he has values and you believe I can forgive him for this. Remind him how much we all love him and how we will all support him in doing the right thing. • Don’t enable his relationship with her in any way. I am certainly not perfect. I know that I bear some responsibility and could have put more emphasis on understanding and meeting _____’s needs. You need to know that I am willing to do the work on my end – go to marriage counseling, work less, whatever is necessary. I love ______ and ______ and want to see our family stay together. Thanks, ________
Hey Pup - How long was it between when you exposed and when you and your wife reconciled? I'm coming to terms with the fact that nothing's going to be quick.
About three months from my discovery of her affair (and my instant confrontation with her), and when we reconciled. I exposed about 2-3 weeks after I confronted her, so I guess about 2 1/2 months??
