Zen - I am so impressed that you had the guts to contact OW and the EXPOSE to D threat is impressive. GALing with golf and soccer is also impressive.
As far as proving no contact, he needs to give you complete access to any means of contacting her . . . email passwords, facebook passwords, and promise NOT TO DELETE ANYTHING from her. Depending on your cell carrier, you might be able to see calls and texts same day (Verizon allows same day viewing). I found that I could make a list of needed transparancy which would make my H have a VERY hard time contacting OW outside of work situations. Of course he didn't really want to agree to no contact which is why when push came to shove and I was going to take away his last method of communication, he chose not to come home as his option.
I can relate to your fear issue . . . it's paralyzing. I feel like I should up the anti on consequences . . . EXPOSE wider, see attorney, etc. but I don't have the GUTS yet. I also keep hoping that I won't need to. But I think WS's can smell fear and some holding back.
A cheating spouse, wanting to reconcile, ABSOLUTELY needs to be prepared to "prove a negative," Z. And Melody lays out perfectly how it needs to be conveyed.
Your IC is incorrect here.
Two partners, equals, with "clean slates," then yes, that's true. But once one spouse cheats, it is perfectly reasonable -- AND ENTIRELY NECESSARY -- for the betrayed spouse to insist upon transparency if the cheating spouse wants to return to the marriage to try and reconcile.
Doesn't a convicted felon, on parole, need to check in with his parole officer? Doesn't a child sex offender need to register with the state when he moves into a new neighborhood? Doesn't an NFL football player, having once failed a random drug test, need to submit to further screenings?
It's not "proving a negative," it is CONSEQUENCES for prior, poor behavior. Your IC couldn't be more wrong. Does he/she have any training in dealing with infidelity??
If this is an IC and not a FAMILY THERAPIST then you need to get OUT of there...
MWD makes a very clear point in her book that marital probelms are BEST SOLVED with a FAMILY THERAPIST, not an Individual Therapist/Psychologist/Analyst
IC's rarely have any training in how to manage infidelity - etiher is escalation or its aftermath.. its a specialized skill...
OK. Zen I'm totally impressed. I need some of your mojo for my sitch.
But I'm confused. We say if the cheating spouse wants to return to the marriage to try and reconcile then there has to be complete accountability. However, what about internal versus external locus of control. My IC and I talked about it. Does this mean that he has to be willing to cut her out of everything in his life (e.g. internal locus of control). And what's the so what if he doesn't, cause he didn't in my case. He contacted her again.
Let the sideshow begin....
Me 44 H 46 S 13 D 11 Married: 17 Dated: 7
Bomb 7/1//08 ILUBINILWY 2nd Bomb 4/3/09 I'm Leaving You 3rd Bomb 11/2009 - The 3 YR Affair is discovered
Maybe I'm just a simpleton, but if my counselor started talking about "internal and external locus of control," and left me this confused, I think I'd find a new counselor.
If they use their internal locus to want to contact the OP, then we influence their external locus by implementing consequences- if we don't want to be with someone who keeps contacting the OP then we implement boundaries to protect ourselves.
Where is your line? If he crossed the line by contacting OP then do you want him to move out, do you want a separation so you can take time decide what you want to do with your marriage and hope he sees that you are serious? Do you still live with him but implement 180s and NC him as much as you can?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Maybe I'm just a simpleton, but if my counselor started talking about "internal and external locus of control," and left me this confused, I think I'd find a new counselor.
Puppy
This was probably an IC rather than a FT... IC's like to get really technical and show off their PhD's...
Update. It appears that H is behaving. My intel says that there has been no contact. I have feeling much better and I haven't cried since Sat morning. Which is really good because I generally cry everyday.
Not a lot of R talk either. He has been verbal to me about no longer being in the affair.
I am in IC. Thinking about looking for a FT. Our S14, told me last night that he is acting like a jerk because he is so mad at H.
This entire situation is so hard. I never imagined my life would be like this. How can H not get how he is hurting so many people? How can they be so selfish?
I know I am not letting my guard down. I check the cell, email ect daily. It feels like I am a prison guard.
I am in IC. Thinking about looking for a FT. Our S14, told me last night that he is acting like a jerk because he is so mad at H.
Hmmm. Sounds like a great teaching opportunity for you to tell your son "I understand, you're feeling angry. But your dad going by his feelings, rather than the right thing to do, is what got us in this mess. You can't just act based on your feelings."
Or some such.
Coach had a great post on this recently, that I saved to my archives:
Coach’s “Go by your Values and Beliefs, not Your Feelings” philosophy:
Respond in a way that reflects your values and beliefs not your feelings. As a Coach and a former military officer I know lots of ways to change how you are feeling. Feelings are fleeting, can be manipulated, can be dysfunctional, situational and are a poor compass.
Prisons are full of people who went with their feelings. To be a great DBer you need to be able to think. Detach and look at the situation in 360 degrees. State your goals (which are consistent with your beliefs) and come up with a plan of action. If your actions work keep doing it, if not try something new. Open your mind and don't let fear hold you back from acting.
If you love your spouse and let them go. It's not lying to do that, even though you don't feel that is the best thing to do. Understand your feelings, know why you feel the way you do and take healthy productive action based on your goals.
You have a choice in how you handle things. You can choose the path of love, self-respect, healthy communication, forgiveness and responsibility for your self. Or you can choose to be a victim, make others responsible for your feelings and let things happen to you. "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Don't let your feelings define you. Let your actions which is a sign of your character. Handle it.
Cheers Coach
Glad to hear you are doing better, and monitoring things closely.
I have a very difficult time not acting on my feelings in this situation. I think that I won't feel as "crazy" as I do if I stop acting on my feelings. And I need to think about what I am feeling and how I want to respond. In a way that supports my goals.
