Haven’t been on here in a while. I’ve been DB’ing and things seemed to be getting better. I don’t know if W suspects I can see her computer inputs because she mostly just puts pretty neutral stuff out now. I grabbed her cell a few times (she didn’t know) to look for texts. She is good about deleting her inbox and saved messages, but I guess she didn’t notice the “sent” box. I found these sent to one of her female friends: -looks like we're in the same boat, married to husbands for the wrong reasons, while the loves of our lives are with someone else -I don’t love H anymore. We’ve grown apart. -I don’t love H. I’m just staying for the kids. -I don’t have to work as long as married. We’ve both thought about div several times. We can’t stand each other. Don’t know how much longer. - I just Want to leave - Want to be in a relationship with no expectations and then see if it turns to something. (This one was sent to a single/male friend)
There were more along these lines. Here is a little more about W. She suffers from depression/anxiety. She took a med a few months back and it got much worse. Now she just drinks a little more and tries to deal with it. By her own words she is going through a MLC. Most of the time she is snapping at me or our eldest child. Our eldest child is very difficult, to say the least. It’s caused a lot of tension/stress between W and I. I shouldn’t be shocked about the texts, but I was. I’ve resorted to just acting as neutral as possible. I don’t defend myself or get baited into arguments like I used to. She’s a stay at home mom, so that explains the part above about her “not having to work”. She is a good mom who loves her kids deeply. I guess that’s the main reason she’s staying. The other part is work. I make good money and have a stable job. She gets to live in a nice house (not a mansion by any means!), drive a fairly new car and she has the visa that she runs up monthly. I’m sure she doesn’t want to lose this. I could have done so many things better. I neglected her. BUT…I’m not abusive, I’m a good provider, I take care of my kids, the house, etc.
Not sure how to proceed. I feel like so much resentment has built up that she couldn’t love me again. That means I’m just waiting for the bomb drop and/or the affair. Please help…2x4’s are always welcome.
I see glimmers of hope, but I know that she is a liar and an actress on matters like this. A few hours after texting her friend “I don’t love H.” she gently grabs my shoulder while driving and when I look over she gives me a sweet smile and a “Are you having fun on our trip?” She wants/expects me to kiss her when I leave in the morning and at night before bed. I still do, but I cringe after what I’ve read. I thought she was still sleeping when I left this morning, so I just walked out. She came running out after me and said, “Are you mad at me? Why didn’t you kiss me goodbye?” I responded (truthfully) that I thought she was sleeping. She than asked, “You seemed mad last night, is something wrong?” She was particularly nasty the night before, so I went into defense mode and kept my distance. I was never rude or a jerk, but I kept my answers short. Last week she went off on me about something I didn’t think was a big deal. When she petered out I said “I’m sorry if what I did bothered you. That wasn’t my intention.” I then just walked away. Five mins later she runs up to me, hugs me and asks “Are you mad? I’m sorry. I overreacted.”
I just don’t get her actions. I guess after reading her texts I expected nothing “nice” out of her. Maybe this is all part of her act…
I just don’t get her actions. I guess after reading her texts I expected nothing “nice” out of her. Maybe this is all part of her act…
What part don't you "get"? Your entire post up until that point DESCRIBES what she's doing: she's keeping you safely as her 2nd option, because you provide her with a comfortable lifestyle, while she speaks poorly of you to others and actively searches for other men -- all on your dime.
Are you okay with all of this??
Dazed, there's a whole great big world out there, including a woman who will appreciate you. That woman could STILL be your wife, but she will only begin to love you again when she begins to RESPECT you again, and she will only do THAT, when you begin to respect YOURSELF. And not a moment sooner.
Thanks for the 2x4. Yes, I guess I knew that answer. I'd probably walk right now if it wasn't for my kids, but I can't do that to them. I've read my DR book and I've lurked on here for advice, but can you tell me more specifics about how I should go about "respecting" myself? At this point I'm pretty disgusted and as a defense mechanism I've just kept my space and kept quiet around her. She has noticed this change and asks me "Are you mad or something?" every few days.
On the s** thing...it's been bad for a 4+ years. I ask for it, she agrees most of the time, but she generally gets mad before/during/after. After seeing the texts I haven't asked in about 3 weeks. This prompted her to accuse me of "getting it from someone else". Any advice on this? She obviously doesn't want to do it, but I guess it's a barometer (keeping the 2nd option in place) of sorts for her.
The best thing you can do for your kids is to teach them to value themselves more than they value others, and not become so co-dependent on someone (or something) that they lose their own sense of personal integrity.
Right now, you are just acquiescing, and -- in fact -- ENABLING your wife's infidelity. In fact, you are FINANCIALLY enabling it, and squandering your family's assets on it.
On the s** thing...it's been bad for a 4+ years. I ask for it, she agrees most of the time, but she generally gets mad before/during/after. After seeing the texts I haven't asked in about 3 weeks. This prompted her to accuse me of "getting it from someone else". Any advice on this?
Yes. If you're going to have sex with your wife, for god's sake, USE PROTECTION.
Right now, you are just acquiescing, and -- in fact -- ENABLING your wife's infidelity. In fact, you are FINANCIALLY enabling it, and squandering your family's assets on it. Do you think that's fair to your kids?
I may be wrong, but at this point I don't think she's in an EA or PA. I can see that it's in her future plans. I don't want to confront her on what I've learned just yet b/c I know that would make her use other methods.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Yes. If you're going to have sex with your wife, for god's sake, [b]USE PROTECTION.
That would make for an interesting conversation since I had a vas several years ago.
OK then. You seem to have everything under control. Good luck.
Not even close, but I understand your frustration with my replies. I spoke to my uncle about all of this. He's been divorced twice and he gave me an earful. I have to do something about this sit.
W and I kind of "had it out" yesterday after she went off on me yet again. I told her I refused to live this anymore - walking on eggshells and waiting for the next blow-up. She got p***ed and told me to stop the threats. She also repeated something I've heard before, "If you leave you will regret it!" Besides the fact that I don't want to leave b/c I would lose my kids, I also fear for their safety. W doesn't seem stable at all at this point and I'm afraid if I push this it could ugly. She's already told me she would use the kids against me.
W's main confidante (female friend) is not helping matters. From my intel I can see the friend stating stuff like this: "Your med problems are due to your bad M. Your problems with your child are due to your bad M. You're too good for H. You need to leave H and move home. I want you back here." W is not "defending" me by any means, but at least she is telling friend that her med issues and problems with child are not directly my fault. The friend, from what I can tell is a miserable individual. Single mom of two whose H died of a drug OD years ago. She would of course love for my W to move back home (6 hours away), so looks like she is working her.
W started taking new script med for depression. Hope it helps to even her out. For now I'm just trying to keep the peace.
Her latest depression med seems to be working better than the previous one, but the anger/depression is still there. It's bad enough that I get called an a**hole, jerk, etc. and get yelled at, but my poor kids get the same treatment. I'm at a loss and this feels like I'm living out a 10+ year prison sentence. I want so badly to tell her what I've seen from my intel, but I know that would do no good. I try to block this out by spending happy times with my kids and keeping busy. She is still on me about buying a new/bigger house and tells me I'm "...stringing her along while I decide what to do with my affair." She also said recently that I'm trying to "maker her behave" in order to get the house. I'm not having an affair and never have, but she never did trust me. There is no way I'm going to make such a major purchase with a W who doesn't love me.
I'm guessing all of this may blowup in the next few months as my youngest starts school. W will have lots of time to think and do things since she will not go to work + both kids will be in school all day (for the first time). She recently tried to bait me into yet another fight and when I refused to play along she told me "Stop acting like you have nothing to lose!" When I asked WTH she meant by that she told me "...I don't know, for the past 6 months or so you've just been acting like you're cool or something." I replied "No, remember, I'm the one who is trying to make things better here. I know I have a lot to lose." I found this forum and the book about 6 months ago, so I guess that's what she is complaining about. I've tried hard to DB without coming off like a jerk. I fail sometimes, but generally I don't take the bait when she goes off on me. When I get the "We're not compatible. We're a mismatch." type stuff I just agree and move on. In the past I would defend and try to change her mind.
Somewhat off my subject...I saw in my intel that one of W's friends had an EA/PA for 10+ years. Her H never knew. The OM was a "friend" who regularly came over to their house. The OM dumped the friend after he found someone else. The friend is all p*ssed off and hurt, but still speaks about their affair as if it was some kind of fairy tale. Incredible how long something like this could go on behind someone's back.
