These are the words I've lived by. I believed them. I never thought I would doubt their significance or truth. They were words when spoken almost 24 years ago, but words I took to my heart. I thought THIS could never happen to US....to me. I could have never believed THIS reality. But, THIS is my reality.
I wrapped up my whole identity in my H. I was 14 when we met. He was EVERYTHING to me for so long. Then it was H and my kids, my FAMILY. I didn’t know how big of a mistake this was. It was all I knew. It was all I thought I wanted. It was all I thought I needed. I could have never believed that I would be in this position. Even after being HERE for as long as I've been here, it is hard to accept. Even knowing all that I know, and all of the pain that I have felt, it is hard to accept. But, I know that my marriage is dead. I know what my role was in the decay of our relationship, just as I know the final responsibility for it’s death lies with H. The H that I loved for 30 years is no longer the person I believed him to be. Is it MLC?? Will the person he WAS surface again? There is no way to know for sure. AND if he does, is it too late?
I have made many DB mistakes, just as I made many mistakes in my marriage. I never believed there would not be another chance. But I must make myself believe that now, just as I know now why I am here – and what THIS is all about. From this day forward……it’s about finding me.
I have done my best to detach. Some days are better than others. Daily contact because of the kids makes it extremely hard. I admire those that are able to detach and not let every thing their spouse, or former spouse does and says affect them. I do hope to get there some day.
These are lists for me. Things on my mind, as I move forward……
Things that I have lost: My best friend, lover, spouse. My marriage. My sense of a complete family. Trust. My sense of reality. The career I had with H. My kids with me every night. The ability to plan more than a minute ahead. Help with household responsibilities. Involvement with kids sports. The future income WE planned for. The future with H that we dreamed of. The happily ever after.
Things I have learned/found (a list I hopw to add to soon): The need to find me (although I still don’t know who that is). Good friends are always there. Happiness by myself, and the belief that I can be happy by myself. Happiness as a family of 4. A job. A source of income. What I am truly afraid of. Appreciation for what I have. There is only ONE thing I can't do on my own.
What I do not know about the future: How I will survive the “process of divorce.” Will I lose my home/can I continue to live in my home. How long will it take to heal? How long will it take to find ME?
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Can you add one section to your list? I find this helps me look forward:
I have always wanted to do x?
I've always wanted to visit Paris in the spring. I've always wanted to go to the Indy 500 I've always wanted to live in a loft downtown. I've always wanted a pet snake. I've always wanted to spend endless hours in a book store. I've always wanted to visit the grand canyon. I've always wanted to run naked under the stars in the desert.
Now look at your situation as an opportunity to do some of the things you've always wanted to do. Works really well if you replace a fear with an opportunity. For example "will I loose my home" gets replaced with if I have to move I can look at a nice loft down town like I've always wanted.
This is your time to rewrite the history of you. Have fun!
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
I think this is part of my problem. I don't have a list like this. I've not wished for more than I had. I've never felt cheated out of not having more. (Another chance for my marriage not included.)
I had what I wanted - or believed that I did.
I would LOVE to have a list like this, and I'm sure it sounds utterly stupid to most, impossible to others - but I honestly don't know where/how to start. I've been struggling with what I think I'm supposed to be doing (GAL), because I don't know where to start or how to do this. I have done some things I like to do. I take opportunities to do things when I can----but almost every minute of my day is occupied with responsibility or obligation----and I don't complain (much) about that.
I guess it's amazing that H stayed as long as he did (LOL)!
Will take any and all suggestions.....
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I would LOVE to have a list like this, and I'm sure it sounds utterly stupid to most, impossible to others - but I honestly don't know where/how to start.
To quote one of my favorite poets, Shel Silverstein -
Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda
All the Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas Layin' in the sun, Talkin' bout the things They woulda-coulda-shoulda done... But those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas All ran away and hid From one little did.
Ok. I've been thinking about how pathetic this sounds. I think I have been so fortunate that I have been able to do so much and have accomplished the goals (albeit very short sighted) that I did set for my life. I don't think I ever learned how to set new, bigger goals. I know that I became stagnant. I didn't "grow" as a person. I was totally invested in my marriage and family.
I have lived a very full life - and luckily have been able to do most everything I've wanted to do without too much "wanting"---like when I wanted to do The 3-Day walk for breast cancer, I wanted to do if for about a year, and then I did it.
There are still many things on my wish list that have to do with H and our "whole" family, but......
I have come up with a short list:
I would like to see Maine in the fall. I would like to go on a cruise. (H and I used to dream of an Alaskan cruise. Now that we can afford it.....)
I'll keep working.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
