Dazed and Confused...Need Advice!!!!

[SMM23]

I really thought things were going good in R. I realize that it had only been about 2 months of DB'ing but my talking and interacting relationship with my wife is better than ever. So I thought things were going back in the right direction. So on the advice of a friend, I asked her to a weekend getaway without our S4 so that we could unwind. The answer I got I never expected. She asked what made me think things were OK? I made a mistake by staying in the house and giving you false hope. (She is in the house but in a separate bedroom) To that I said why is that a problem. She said because I already made my decision 2 years ago that it was over and it is over. It just took me this long to finally tell you.

I was FLOORED. I did not know what to say. I finally said that we have been so good talking and interacting and that is a great first step in fixing things. She said that she does not want to fix things and that she has not since before she gave me the Dear John letter. I was so floored that I forgot my DB'ing and talked about the changes I made and what a different person I am now. She agreed, but said, who changes his whole life in 2 months. To which I told her that it is amazing what you can change when pressed. Like the stories you see where the mother picks up a car to save her child that is under it. She said yeah. I also asked if the changes were good. To which she said, yes but they do not seem real. I do not want you to become something because I want you to be that way. I told her that I changed so that I can live WITHOUT her. And she did not make me change anything. She did not know what to say to that.

Then I finally said that nothing can be solved without help. I asked if she would see a DC. She reluctantly said yes. I asked why so reluctant and she said that she does not want to hurt my feelings is why she is going, and that it would either fix or put an end to this. I asked what that meant becasue she made a grit your teeth, anguished face. She said she was pissed off because once again she cannot do what she wants to do. (That is just leave). So I told her, then why the hell are you still here. I said that I am more than capable of handling things on my own and if you want to leave, leave but quit teasing me. She said she does not know why she is still there but she has not left. Although she did say that she regrets coming back to the house because it gave me false hope. That she let me talk her into something again that she did not want to do. I said, there is the door. But she did not even act like she was getting off the couch.

I know that what she wants is freedom. She wants to go out and party and to have a good time and she does not think she can do any thing when she is married to me. We have been together for so long that she feels like she never got to experience those things. So now I believe that there is a mix of MLC in here. She wants to have no responsibilities and go do what she wants to do but she has her S and me and she is worried that she is gonig to do something that will hurt us.

So it was now 3 hours of conversation going over the same stuff and 3 AM and we both needed to work the next morning. So we went to bed. But then after I went into my room she came in and gave me a hug and a kiss. WTF? Then again this morning I got up did my normal routine and went in gave my S4 a kiss and a hug and was about to leave when she came in and started talking to me and gave me a kiss and a hug and said cheerfully, "got all your stuff for work and school? " She never asks me that stuff. Then she asked if S4 was up and I said he gave me a kiss and hug and laid back down but was awake. She asked me to start waking him up on certain days and that was her way of checking to see if I did what she asked me a couple weeks ago.

So what the hell does it all mean? She is going to go to DC she says now. But her family really does not want us together for a lot self serving of reasons, they do not care what she wants. They have treated her like crap for years, she talks about it all the time especially recently. She works in the family business so I cannot get her away from the negative influence. Please help me understand what the heck is going on. Is this normal? What steps do I take now?

[Onthemountaintop]

That kind of rollercoaster has been my life in the last few months, so I can get that you must be in a lot of shock/pain/resentment/etc.

Look toward the positives...she kissed you, she spoke nice, she didn't leave (yet?) which means something did change, she recognizes your changes even if she believes it too late, and more. Focus on those.

By DC you mean mediation or counselling?

I'm guessing counselling...so to that be ready to:
- listen to her better than the IC
- look for 180s you have yet to do
- offer hope
- give her one thing that isn't a deal breaker for her to consider changing that could help you be better
- be ready to accept (verbally) responsibility

I'm not saying be weak, I'm saying be vulnerable. Let her in to your heart and try to get into hers. That can rebuild connections.

If she ever gets up to it, Retrouvaille helped me feel love for my W (who I have never really loved...)

So she said no to the getaway...life goes on.

There isn't any other man in the picture, is there?

[SMM23]

Thanks Onthemountaintop,

I just keep shooting myself in the foot. If the communication was good and verbally very good, I should have taken it as a sign that it was heading in the right direction and left it at that. Keep doing what was working. But no, I had to push things and it made her defensive and then she lashed out at me. I typed the wrong thing I meant MC instead of DC. I have a list of the other changes I need to make. One is to lose a lot of weight. I put on a lot during my depression because of medication and emotional eating.

I am worried though. If she is not really into the MC, and she does not make a real effort and it does not work, will she use it as a reason to leave? Say see it did not work because it would be better if we split. If she does not make the effort, then she can twist the sitch into what she wants it to do.

What do you mean by offer hope? It is funny because yesterday she said there is no hope. So what do you mean by that?

Also, how should I interact with her now? Should I be like I have been, upbeat and positive and happy and carrying on conversations with her like everything is OK, or should I be confident yet quiet and have a good time with my S4?

I do not believe that there is another man. I do not know when she would possibly have the time. I know that she still loves me and she tells me so. I just have been caught in the ILYBNILWY trap. I also know that she feels totally overwhelmed and not sure what to do. The house is a disaster area and could be used to gain federal funding and taking care of the kid and dealing with our problems is all taking its toll on her. Not to mention the pressure her family is putting on her. I know her sister says that she can do so much better. But she does not like me because I am not a cowering mess of a man n like her wuss of a husband. She would love to see us divorced and is doing everything she can to make it happen. I am sure she points out my family issues and my weight problem and tells her that she could do better.

[SMM23]

I just received IM from W. She is talking to me today as she always has. I am so lost. I do not want to feel anything anymore. I have dealt with so much personally in my whole life. Now that, through the shock of the loss of the last person who I really and truly love, I have a life and want to start living it is all in shambles. I now want to go back to not feeling anymore. I need a vacation from life!!! I find reason to go through my son, but that only takes me so far.

[soleil]

SMM, sorry to hear of your sitch. Try to remain calm. This entire thing can be maddening but try to stay above the fray. How many MC sessions have you been to?

[luvless]

I could've written this ^

Stay strong SM - it's all we have.

Hugs from Luv

[SMM23]

SMM, sorry to hear of your sitch. Try to remain calm. This entire thing can be maddening but try to stay above the fray. How many MC sessions have you been to?

We tried MC before she left and it did not go well. The counselor talked to us but W never said anythngi other than I did not take the trash out or wash the dishes and never got into the problems we had. So the counselor said there was nothing there that was a problem. Well turns out she went back for another session alone and said that she did not think I was trying and that she gave up. It was then she wrote the letter but waited until after the holidays to give it to me. I suggested the counselor tis time becasue I think it can help if we actually talk about what is goign on. Maybe not? I do not know. I am lost! Tired of the pain!!!

[LSG]

SMM23,

I know it feels hopeless sometimes, and I still feel that way. But I know if you give up then there is no hope. Try to listen to what everyone tells you here. There is a lot to be gained not just from the responses to your thread, but from other peoples sitches. I have done that and found some really good advice for my sitch. I don't whether or not it is working, but I know I am still trying and optimistic.

Somedays will be better than others. Try to detach from the situation and see your sitch from different perspectives. Try to find out what will work best for you.

[SMM23]

Thanks LSG!!! What makes this even more difficult is the natural mood swings month to month. She has always had problems with it and since the letter it has been worse. I am getting to the point that I cannot leave my feelings out there anymore because she just keeps stomping on them. The worst part is it is starting to really affect my mood. Starting to lose the taste for all of this emotional assault. I told her the other night “there is the door. If you do not want to be with me, there is the door.” I asked then why she has not left, and she says she does not know. The ONLY reason I have not left is because in my current sitch, I get to be with my S4 every day. I am really trying hard for him. If she comes around some day, so be it, but I am not holding my breath and I can enjoy my son until the day she leaves or stays, I do not care anymore!!!!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

smm23,
Has your W left yet or telling you she's looking for a place?

If she says that she's needs time and space say something like this:
"I couldn't agree more with you. I think we BOTH need some time and space to work on ourselves"

AS for MC.
My W and I tried to go twice both since my W feelings were to escape and not repair, it didn't work.

I think once the WAW gets to this point of leaving MC will not be beneficial. Don't worry about MC right now.

Concentrate on you and S4. Tell him you love him and also tell him your W loves him too and that you will always be there for him.
This will help him.