hello all. first some history. i'm 30, married for 2 and half years and recently divorced a 28yo woman. No kids.
Ever since we got married we stopped doing all the things that made us fall in love in the first place. And we became more focused on other things such as work. Things naturally started to deteriorate and we couldn't reverse it.
Some time ago she stated she wanted the divorce but I still wanted to give it another try. Didn't work out and after nasty discussions I wanted the divorce as well.
The divorce process was nasty too with accusations, name calling (...)on both sides. We were capable coming to civil terms and can talk relatively well now. She suggested, before all the nasty discussions, that maybe we could be friends but after all the nastiness (will explain better below) she now says she needs time before considering the possibility.
Now, after some lawyer tried to take advantage of her, we were able to talk and got the divorce ourselves. The only thing missing is our apartment which we are going to put on the market tomorrow.
It's been 6 months since we separated, 3 weeks after divorce is final and I now realize that, despite all, I want her back. This is not something in the spur of the moment. It's something I gave much thought to.
As I said before she wanted us to be friends but in one discussion I totally lost it and behaved very very poorly (she had some fault but will never admit any). So, when i asked her if i could call her in a few months and maybe become friends she replied maybe but its too soon to tell (which i can accept as we both need time to heal).
If she does agree to see me (hopefully becoming friends) how should i proceed? I've read a few e-books (don't really trust them) stating that these should be emotionally charged dates. I don't want to appear too needy or go in too strong as I think it will blow on my face. Also the main problem will be that she became (even before the divorce) emotionally closed to me. I have no idea how to overcome that. Plus she's incredibly stubborn and proud.
If we go out and simply have fun I fear the only result will be a casual friendship or little more. I know how to romance her but only after the beginning. I have no idea how to make her even consider the possibility of a new relationship with me.
Also I realize we need some time apart (these months don't really count) to heal and see other people but I fear I might lose her to someone else.
L&L, sorry that you are on here... did you read DB and DR??? You really should... it will help you so much. Did you know throughout the entire separation and divorce process that this was not what you wanted?
Do you talk to your W? have you spoken to her about how you feel?
Wishing you lots of luck... be sure to read the books and navigate this site... you'll pick up a lot of good pointers and you'll gain a lot of stregnth from everyone on here.
L&L, My wife told me we could "be friends" as well. But as I found out later, she said this simply to keep me from getting upset or emotional while in her presence.
About a month after the divorce she revised it to "We can never be friends!". That's when I went dark.
You have to remember that even after the divorce, they will play head games with you so do not believe everything she tells you.
Just food for thought.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
I was convinced that i wanted the divorce during part of the process but i felt that if we were to be together again that we should indeed get the divorce (and she wouldn't agree to try work things out even if i asked her). I haven�t talked to her about how i felt as that would put her on the defensive and would not accomplish anything right now. I have read DB and DR.
I know she will play head games but that a risk i have to take.
We were together today to put the apartment on the market.
Still some resentment (on both sides but i can easily put mine behind me) but things went rather smoothly. When i asked her if she was considering that we could become friends she had some reservations. According to her it would be awkward if we were in a new relationship (with other people obviously) and then were to meet our exes for coffee or something. More than that she said there is no chance of us getting back together again (I wasn't asking for that and let her know it but maybe she read through me). I wasn't expecting her to say maybe in the future we could reconcile but it still hurt.
She did, however, say we could exchange emails and see where that leads us.
Some more negative points: she is now living alone but wouldn't tell me where. She is afraid of me due to my behavior and her parents now hate or at least dislike me.
However as the subjects changed to things other than our marriage and the way we treated each other we were able to talk very well.
She is going out to discos and seemed rather happy. Overall i think it looks rather bleak.
Loved&lost, my heart goes out with you. I'm facing the same situation. My ex is a walk away wife, so I didn't want divorce all along; I'm working on mine getting her back and would like sharing some of my thought.
1. Know yourself: get some relationship book to read and reflect on your own. Face it, we guys screw up and need to change. Yes, you need time to heal; and also to learn. 2. Determine to change: Yes, change yourself not her. You can't change anybody but yourself. If you are serious getting her back, you need to change. 3. Love unconditionally: in case you haven't, read this http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_while_spouse_decides.htm 4. Pray: You need supernatural power to accomplish this mission impossible. With God, you can tap into his great love, to heal you, have power to change and can love unconditionally.
Have some cool break with your ex to let hurt and unpleasant to settled. Definitely cut down interaction for at least a month; meeting some platonic female friends might help you feel better. Ironically, you need to feel completely okay to let go then you will be able to get her back. Next time (when you are all cool) when you meet, you should be completely fine for the separation and respect her every opinion. Treat her just a good old friend and show genuine love to her, meaning you put her opinion and desire and feeling first, not yours. Unconditionally love that is. You can't fake it because she will feel it. Give her good emotion every time you meet, but don't push her for a relationship - never mention that. The idea is to break off the old destructive pattern in the old relationship. Now both of you are in the same ground and build a "new" relationship again. Key is you must have changed to do that. Yes, this is not easy and you are doing it one-sided only, and it is not guaranteed will work. How big the driving force you have is determined by how much you love her.
Apparently my ex is going out and fooling around with a few guys (insecurity problems i reckon). She is starting to have sex again with just one though. She has no idea that I know this (and never will unless i tell her). Anyway i have no idea how to handle this. I understand she needs to connect to other people and have sex but to fool around like that seems to me a rather dangerous behavior.
things weren't going well and we both knew it but we agreed to give it a real try to make it work. However she didn't make a real effort. I called on that and she said there was no chance of reconciliation. The next few days there were fights about blame and name calling. In one of those she insulted my family and i lost it. I pushed her (barely touched her (being very honest)) but she made it look like much worse, like i had punched her or something.
No, i'm not snooping. I met a friend whom i hadn't seen for 10 years and we began to talk about what happened in that period. When i mentioned her name he said he knew who she was (did not know her personally). He told me what i mentioned above.
