All happening so fast

[philsbs]

Our marriage had its ups and downs like any others, but we always got through the rough times. I thought things were going good when on 12/15/09 she woke up and said she didn't want to be with me anymore. Two weeks later I was served papers, she moved out, and our final court date is in May (the soonest date possible). She said she didn't want to be responsible for me, our children, or our grandchildren, she just wanted to be responsible for herself. She was searching for things to make her happy. A new car, pool, deck, landscaping, and remodel the house, all done in the last year. It was two weeks after I got the house done she dropped the bomb. I asked why do all this and walk away? She said "I thought that it was going to make me happy". I guess divorce was next on her list. I tried everything I could think of to stay and work things out but she had her mind made up. Our children don't understand, they told me she's 49 and acting like a teenager. She rarely communicates with the children (youngest is in college), when she does its text or short email (business) never calls to talk to them. They have no interest in seeing or talking to her. Why would someone leave the home we built together, 30 years of marriage, and all but abandon the children ? No emotions, no big deal for her. I know I have my faults and cannot put the blame on her, but you would think she would have at least tried. I think it could be some kind of midlife crisis. I noticed she spent a lot of time on Facebook and Classmates.com like she was trying to go back in time.
Meanwhile I'm 52 and my whole life fell apart. On top of the divorce I lost my 42 year old brother to brain cancer last year. I'm trying to keep it together for my children and grandchildren. You never really understand the pain of divorce until you go through it. They say it gets better, but they don't say it gets worse too. Just when you think things are getting better you fall back to a new low.
Is there a good way to get through this?

[Gardener]

Sorry, philsbs,

Lot of Walk Away Wife verbatim script in your sitch, not surprisingly. As you must know, same thing happened to most of us here (and especially on Newcomers' Forum): Aliens came down and switched our spouses with an exact, though alien, replica.

M Walk Away Ex Wife, proposed (and I agreed to) $17k of bathroom remodeling and replacement windows 6 weeks before moving out.

It does get worse. And better. And worse. That's the roller coaster. You'll hear a lot of good advice and coping strategies both here and at Newcomers, but may I recommend right off the bat, The Journey From Abandonment To Healing by Susan Anderson who has worked exclusively with abandoned spouses for over 25 years. Great book. One of the best. Has helped me more than any other, and I've read many in the past year like most people here.

Tell more of your story. Post here, vent here, get it out of your system here and run new ideas "up the flagpole" here, for feedback before taking mahjor or drastic action.
Talk to you soon.

[poet]

I'm so sorry for your loss, phil. I can only say it hurts for a long, long time. My best advice is trust God and learn prudence. Wisdom is given to those who seek understanding, from Proverbs.

Learn to love yourself and you will be OK.

poet

[ClingingToHope]

My IC said my STBXW is the type of person who always kind of muddles along just below happy. She's constantly in search of that magic something that will make her happy. At first, and for a couple of years, it was just being with me. Then it was if she'd just get promoted, then it was if we'd just get a bigger house, then it was if we'd have a baby, then another, then a dog.

Finally, we plateaued in 2006. We couldn't afford a different house. She got passed over for several promotions. We'd decided to stop having kids and our youngest started school and ADHD issues cropped up making every day stressful.

There was nothing new that could make her happy so she started trying to find out why she was unhappy. And I'm the only thing in her life she can change. She can't change jobs -- she makes too much to start over. She can't change her daughters or her mom and sisters. We're underwater on the house.

So now the divorce is the only thing that will make her happy -- the ever-lasting search goes on.

Does this sound familiar?

I asked the IC if someone like that ever gets better. She said most don't. They just move from thing to thing looking for magic that will lift them out of their depression. The ones that do get better seek treatment and a lot of times go on medication.

That made me remember that in 2008 when I thought my STBXW was working late she was actually seeing someone for depression. She stopped because the doctor wanted to hypnotize her and she didn't want that and he wanted to put her on anti-depressants. She didn't want that either because she thought it would hurt her at work, cause her to cut corners and be too lenient. All of the other supervisors at her level were on anti-depressants.

[Iwondertooo]

I agree that the book from Abandonment to Healing is very helpful, the best one I have seen. There are physiological results from a spouse leaving this way that affect your body chemistry and this is important to know. It is all about you now if she is serious and that is no joke. I will also ask if there is another person in the picture for her. For men it is almost always the case. Not so for women but possible. Wonder

[g450]

OMG philsbs,

Same situation here. XW was on facebook and classmates.com and has been for a while. She thinks its 1974 again.

Found out much later after the divorce that she has been on contact with her first boyfriend from high school and she told him she was still madly in love with him etc.

When I read your post I threw up in my mouth a little bit since my sitch is almost a mirror of yours. Luckily my kid is grown though.