When did you decide to reconcile?

[4luv]

How did you know you could attempt reconciliation with the WAS after an affair? This has been a year of hurt and lies. With all the WAS script "I am not happy", "I just don't want to be married anymore" and not being there for our family has really been hard. I have prayed for the day when my husband would open his heart and want to work on our marriage; however, how were you able to step towards your WAS? I am so scared that it is not genuine...how do you know when they are REALLY ready to put in the work. Tonight he said ALL the right things but I haven't decided on what to do. I want his actions to show it.

[Abbey]

Not sure if this totally answers your question, however, there was a couple of "false starts" where he wanted both women etc. After 4 months of promises and his confusion, I pushed the issue to either make him get off the pot or not. He backed off and I told him I never wanted to hear from him again. A week went by, I thought it was finished at that point. Then he shows up at my door... saying he knew what he had done etc and regretted it. I held him off for another 4 and a half months. The only thing he was allowed to do was phone me. I laid down a set of ground rules during that time. A lot of them paved the way for open communication. We've been back together officially one year as of April 1st.

Best thing you can do is REFUSE to get angry and very calmly set out what YOU need in order for this to work. Stay away from the affair stuff for now... (yeah it's hard)... Admit to him that there is a lot of hurt, and it will take time AND hard work by both of you in order to make it back. Ask him if he's ready for that work. Btw... don't be discouraged if he backs off a little... many of us have had "mini starts". It's worked out.

Best of Luck
Abbey

[4luv]

Thank you Abbey for your response. The "mini starts" and "false starts" are what I am afraid of. I like that you held him off for 4 and a half months. I didn't bring up the reconciliation, he came out and said it today. We hadn't spoken to each other for almost 2 weeks because he broke things of with OW and she called me all upset and was telling me how husband was lying to me and her. Everythign she told me I already knew from the snooping that I did but husband didn't call me until today to talk about this phone call that happened almost 2 weeks ago. He said he just didn't know the words to say to me.

I guess I have to take a risk but tread carefully. I am just scared.

[Abbey]

*hugs*... I know the fear... ah wow... so many of us do, here.

Actually it's good that he didn't come back immediately I think. That 2 weeks gave him some time to recoup on his own and mourn the relationship with the OW.

You have to really decide... if he comes back... what are your rules. What will you absolutely need... and what will you not waiver on. He's got to be willing. There's no sense going back into this thing blind or hoping he'll do something that wasn't set out.

Be prepared for the ups and downs to continue. Even if you do start this road, ... and end up moving back in together,... it still takes time. Some of your resentment will bubble up later... some of your own loneliness etc will hit you 6 months from now when things are going smoothly. Then there's the trust issue. Still working on that myself actually. No answers there... cept you sound like a good "snooper" (smile, me too)... so trust but verify etc... ya know?

Does he want to move back in together right a way or something? Or was it something like I want to come home etc?

Abbey

[dday101798]

You just have to follow your gut and experience in knowing your spouse/ex if they are genuine. In the case of my (x)W, certain body language and inability to look me in the eye when speaking is a 100% indicator on the b/s meter.

Trust issues will come and come, nature of the beast, but after all the lies and re-writing history they've done, they need to be understanding of that in advance.

Also changes. Your changes that made you the attractive "option" to want to come back, needs to be matched by changes in them to show they "deserve" to have that opportunity.

Lastly in my case, I didn't ask for much, (x)W knew what she needed to do as I carried on the notion and still do that I am now the WAS and should she faulter, life will surely go on without her (even tho I love her dearly)

That said, it's not easy, but it's not hard either. There WILL be bumps in the road. However, if you haven't forgiven, yourself and him, and subsequently accept, it's not going to work in my opinion and experience thus far. But if you have, it's worth it!

[4luv]

Thx Abbey and dday.

I am actually the one that moved out of our house and moved to my parents' house which is 6 hours from where husband is. We haven't discussed who would move to where but I told him last night that I want to take things slow. He offered to make the trip to where I am everyother weekend so that we could spend time together.

I had time to think things over and I am going to pretend that husband's reconciliation speech didn't happen. I have a thread in the infidelity forum "The Dreaded Limbo" where I basically spell out why. I just didn't see the remorsefulness. I also don't like the fact that husband is willing to do "whatever I need him to do" to work on the marriage. He is putting the work back in my hands. I am going on as usual...if he comes around great but if he just drops the ball then I have my answer. The only thing I am willing to do is to pass on the name and number of a GOOD family therapist or individual counselor.

Thanks for yall insight. When/if I actually do get to piecing I can see that you both are a great example to follow.

[dday101798]

I just didn't see the remorsefulness.

Then I certainly say that it's not the right time. Sorry.

My (x)W tried several times to come back, but each and everytime, without remorse.

This time, she had it. 5 months later, still does.

When "the talk" does happen, now you know you will get that. And all issues PRIOR to the A should be officialy dead and pointless to argue.

Hang in there, and I hope that day comes sonner than later or you.

[Lotus]

My H and I went to Retrouvaille approximately a month after his affair ended. He was not sure he wanted to reconcile when we walked in the door, and neither was I. The realization that we wanted to reconcile came during the weekend. It was mutual, and with the help of the Retrouvaille people and the program, we were able to do it. If you could get him to commit to a Retrouvaille weekend with you, it would be a huge step. They will lead him to the remorsefulness. My H didn't have any remorse going into the weekend. But when he heard the other couples' stories, he understood how painful an affair is. It was so much better for him to hear it from other people than from me! He apologized very genuinely for the first time at the weekend. And as we grew closer in the following months, he apologized again. It is like peeling an onion as the understanding of the ramifications of the affair sink in. Your H probably only has the vaguest sense that the affair was a bad idea at this point.

[Abbey]

My T and I have had many discussions about some men NEVER being able to admit to their affair. And since Retrouvaille isn't necessarily feasible for all couples,... the onion gets peeled away a little at a time.

Honestly, I would have loved to have been able to get that junk out of the way a year ago... trust for me is still an issue. And it's not like he's not doing as much as possible to try to make me feel loved... (I love you's many times a day... Cards saying You are the love of my life, etc etc etc).

It's just that as the injured party... most of us need to know that they "get it". (all kinds of books and advice on the subject seem to say the same thing). Getting it goes a long way to insuring they won't do the same thing again.

I'm going to get NJF again. The first time I read it... I spent most of the pages with tears in my eyes. It's time to find a way past this trust thing. And yeah, it sucks sometimes but often the injured party has to do "more work" than we figure we should in order to get things ok again.

Abbey

[4luv]

OK, so right now husband and I have been talking alot more. He still hasn't done all the things I've needed him to do but its only been a week since he came to me and said he wanted to do whatever it took to save our marriage.

One of the things is I told him to change his personal cell and work cell phone number. Husband has a child with OW from before we got married so NC is not gonna be 100% feasible but I told him that I feel more comfortable if they communicated concerning the child via an email account that we both have access too.

Well that was a few days ago and he still hadn't changed his number so I bought it up again. He had no problem the first time I bought it up but this time he wanted to know why I felt that was necessary. I explained how it made me more comfortable and then husband says "well, I don't really see the purpose because in the end I am going to do what I am going to do so you have to just trust me to do the right thing." i didn't get baited into an argument but rather said, well, if you don't want to do it then that is up to you but that is something I need for me so we will have some other things to start discussing in that case. Husband quickly changed his tune and said "no, I told you that I am willing to do whatever you need me to do to gain your trust so if that makes you comfortable then I will do it."

I guess I am taken aback by his questioning this step. And if it were me, I would handle it RIGHT away if I really wanted my family back. This all happened yesterday and he hasn't done it yet. How long should I give him to change the number. I don't plan on bringing it up again because I believe that his actions will let me know how sincere he is in wanting to save the marriage and us be a family again.

Also, I have A MILLION questions swirling in my head that pop up throughout the day. Before I ask them I usually weigh what outcome I am expecting and whether I REALLY need to ask the question. How do you bring up the HARD questions in the midst of having a good day with your spouse or having a good conversation. It seems as though I would like to start building GOOD memories right away but I always have these hard questions in the back of my mind that sometimes won't go away. I don't want to be a "debbie downer" to my husband so when do I bring them up in a way where we are not ALWAYS talking about the affair.