Spring has officially sprung where I am at here in the northeast and it is time for a new thread and hopefully a new me!
Out with the old and in with the new...
I chose my thread title based on a song by a bluesman that I am listening to a lot these days and I think it sums up where I am at right now.
A brief history of my Sitch which is now over 8 months old now (my how the time flies!) January 2009 - W starts dressing very different and going to Spanish classes. Tells me she met a guy at work who is a native speaker and that he is going to "tutor" her. May 2009 - became uncomfortable with W's tutoring sessions and confronted her. She reacted badly and told me she never has time to herself.
August 2009 - Bomb, we need to separate. We are like roomates. I cry, beg, plead, etc. Bad days indeed. Confronted her on TM to "spanish tutor".
Fall 2009 - W spends many nights out late and coming home at 3-4 AM. Says she needs to separate to have space to figure out what she wants. Get email evidence of A and confront W. She tells me that things are heading in the right direction....NOT!
February 2010 - Found additional email evidence of ongoing contact and blatant lies. Confronted W for third time. I know, three strikes and she should be out but....
March 2010 - Failed MC session where she acknowledges that she can't work on R. Reality stinks!
Current - Still living with W and we have a cordial R. I think I have landed in the friend/cake-eating zone which stinks b/c this is NOT where I want to be. Currently in IT for depression/anxiety and working with a DB coach.
I have been a bad DB'r in the sense that I have had a hard time detaching and doing what is required to make myself happy. However, recently, I think I am finally starting to shift my focus to ME and that is a good thing!
I have a lot of Intel but it is hard to deal with...I literally have to translate it from Spanish! I have stopped trying because I just don't have the emotional energy to do it anymore.
So here I am 8 months post-bomb. I have changed...no longer crying or obsessing as much, Ready to re-claim my life whether she wants to be in it or not. I pray that i am successful!
In the spirit of the great weather and my new attitude towards my sitch....
Last weekend, I got in my car, rolled down the windows and sunroof and cranked a great song by Joe Bonamassa. It made me feel incredibly good. It is his version of "Feelin' Good" and he sings it with such swagger and conviction because his own long-term R was failing when he recorded it. I have also included a You Tube link for those of you bored enough to check it out. I don't know where my sitch is going but I am "Feelin' Good" about me at the moment!
Feelin' Good by JB
Birds flying high , you know how i feel Sun in the sky , you know how i feel Breeze drifting on by , and you know how i feel
It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life for me And i'm feelin' good
Fish in the sea , you know how i feel River runnin' free , you know how i feel Blossom on the tree , you know how i feel
It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life for me And i'm feelin' good
Dragonfly out in the sun , you know what i mean dont'cha know Butterflies having fun , you know what i mean Sleeping peace when the day is done , that's what i mean
It's an old world It's a new world It's a bold world For me
Stars when you shine , you know how i feel Scent of a pine , you know know how i feel Oh freedom is mine , and i know how i feel
It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life for me And i'm feelin' good Yes i'm feelin' good oh oh Mmmmmmm Mmmmmm And i'm feelin' good
I'm a big believer in intel, but really, what do you need anymore for? You already know your wife is having an affair.
I think your efforts would be better spent on learning to set -- and enforce -- boundaries, and on two books that I would recommend: No More Mr. Nice Guy
Hold onto your N.U.T.S.
As a third, possibly Co-Dependent No More.
What are the current financial arrangements between you and your wife -- who pays for what?
Spring has officially sprung where I am at here in the northeast and it is time for a new thread and hopefully a new me!
Out with the old and in with the new...
I chose my thread title based on a song by a bluesman that I am listening to a lot these days and I think it sums up where I am at right now.
A brief history of my Sitch which is now over 8 months old now (my how the time flies!) January 2009 - W starts dressing very different and going to Spanish classes. Tells me she met a guy at work who is a native speaker and that he is going to "tutor" her. May 2009 - became uncomfortable with W's tutoring sessions and confronted her. She reacted badly and told me she never has time to herself.
August 2009 - Bomb, we need to separate. We are like roomates. I cry, beg, plead, etc. Bad days indeed. Confronted her on TM to "spanish tutor".
Fall 2009 - W spends many nights out late and coming home at 3-4 AM. Says she needs to separate to have space to figure out what she wants. Get email evidence of A and confront W. She tells me that things are heading in the right direction....NOT!
February 2010 - Found additional email evidence of ongoing contact and blatant lies. Confronted W for third time. I know, three strikes and she should be out but....
March 2010 - Failed MC session where she acknowledges that she can't work on R. Reality stinks!
Current - Still living with W and we have a cordial R. I think I have landed in the friend/cake-eating zone which stinks b/c this is NOT where I want to be. Currently in IT for depression/anxiety and working with a DB coach.
I have been a bad DB'r in the sense that I have had a hard time detaching and doing what is required to make myself happy. However, recently, I think I am finally starting to shift my focus to ME and that is a good thing!
I have a lot of Intel but it is hard to deal with...I literally have to translate it from Spanish! I have stopped trying because I just don't have the emotional energy to do it anymore.
So here I am 8 months post-bomb. I have changed...no longer crying or obsessing as much, Ready to re-claim my life whether she wants to be in it or not. I pray that i am successful!
dude I did NOT KNOW you were HOPEBUTHELPFUL. Missed that in your sig. detaching isn't easy man. 8 months in and you're doing pretty good.
You have good intel. Is there a d on the table or just OM in the picture?
Stay strong man. I think you are doing pretty good. I don't think you need anymore intel though. It's just going to drive you crazy
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
I'm a big believer in intel, but really, what do you need anymore for? You already know your wife is having an affair.
You are right about this, snooping can become an addiction and it keeps you stuck in a bad cycle of stress. The Intel that I have clearly shows her A and the lies but I have not seen the ILY's and stuff like that. I was continuing to try to translate some of this (I don't speak Spanish so it is tedious!) to try to get a feel for how deep her emotional connection might be but I finally just got to where I didn't want to do it anymore.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
I think your efforts would be better spent on learning to set -- and enforce -- boundaries, and on two books that I would recommend: No More Mr. Nice Guy
Hold onto your N.U.T.S.
As a third, possibly Co-Dependent No More.
I finally feel like I am starting to get myself back a bit. I have realized that working on my issues and improving my life, for me, is my number 1 priority right now. I would love my W to notice and be happy with my changes but if she doesn't, I am OK with that. No More Mr. Nice Guy - read it twice, really saw myself in that book so you definitely have me pegged as a NG! Funny thing is my W read it too and told me over dinner one night that she was worried that I was going to turn into a jerk because of the book! I never did the "Breaking Free" exercises so maybe I will go back and try to start working through some of those.
The N.U.T.S. book was really good too and I got a lot out of it.
I have seen the "Co-dependent No More" book and thought of reading it. I can see how I might fall into that category.
You mention that I need to work on boundaries and I have to say that this has been one of my biggest stumbling blocks. I have confronted my W each of the three times where I obtained "hard evidence" and told her that I won't be in a R with OM involved. I never followed through with consequences out of fear and not really knowing what those consequences should be. Now, I have landed in a major limbo situation where I have no hard evidence of an ongoing A (although I HAVE to assume it is ongoing since there is no remorse or apology on her part).
I have decided that if I get new evidence of an ongoing A, the consequence has to be that she needs to make new living arrangements. However, since has not been overtly crossing any of my boundaries since the last confrontation, I feel like I could be in limbo for quite a while unless I happen to come across new evidence.
Of course, her admission back in March that she was not willing to cut off contact with OM and not able to work on the M could be enough for me to just say that this is not working for me. My therapist tells me I need to start pulling out of this R emotionally and in some ways, I am already starting to do this. My DB Coach is telling me that I need to be fun and flirtatious with her and never, ever mention the A.
I have reached a place where I don't see "baby steps" in our positive interactions anymore but she has seemed lately like the wall has come down just a bit. I am not excited or overly hopeful but it is something that I have noticed. I am still open to R with my W but I would need to see some effort on her part to acknowledge the A and the pain it has caused me. Unfortunately, I know my W and even if she wholeheartedly wanted to R, I don't think she would be able to address the A, she would want it to just go away and for us to not talk about it.
You have seen a lot of scenarios in your time here. Any advice you could give on how to start moving away from a limbo state would be greatly appreciated.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
What are the current financial arrangements between you and your wife -- who pays for what?
We split Bills pretty much evenly. We both have very similar salaries although she does make slightly more than me. She could be completely self-sufficient without me, although her standard of living would take a hit where we currently live. When I first confronted her about her TM to OM, her phone was on my plan. Literally the next day, she canceled this phone and got her own phone/plan. This has been her primary connection to OM as it is a smart phone with email, internet access and the whole nine yards. She still keeps this phone glued to her, or in her bathroom with the ringer off (why is it always the bathroom in these sitches?). Pre-A, her phone was always on the kitchen counter with the ringer on. A while ago, I mentioned this to her during one of the confrontations and she denied that she ever left her phone in the kitchen with the ringer on. I have not heard her phone ring in 8 months...go figure!
Maybe I am wrong but I just don't feel I have any leverage on the financial front except that a D in our state would mean a big financial impact to her in terms of debt and loss of money invested in our house.
My current plan is to keep working on me because I still need work and I know that I have to do this to move forward and live a good life. I am not giving up by any means but the limbo is getting old.
Thanks for checking in on my thread. You are right, the quest for intel will take it's toll but I think it is so necessary in the early stages of A's. I don't even check the easy things like internet history anymore because I understand the reality of my sitch and no amount of additional evidence is going to change this.
PDT is right, my efforts are better spent on protecting and improving myself.
Detaching from a long-term R has to be one of the hardest things a person can do. I just keep reminding myself that true detachment doesn't happen overnight and make sure I keep working towards it. It will come with effort and time!
Hi 12bar, I know you were writing all this for PDT's input, but a few lines concerned me and wanted to ask you about them. Please forgive if I'm out of line or talking out of turn - I know I'm not great at giving input because I've never had to deal with an A so please 'punt' my comments if this doesn't help. Your post just makes SO sad to read.
Regarding boundaries - does it matter if it's ongoing or not? Even if it's not still ongoing, it happened, and you're hurt. And if I'm reading correctly, you've never received an apology or seen any remorse? Isn't that fact, in and of itself a crossing of a boundary? That she could hurt you that deeply, betray your confidence respect and integrity and not own up to it or even apologize?
Originally Posted By: 12bar
I am still open to R with my W but I would need to see some effort on her part to acknowledge the A and the pain it has caused me.
To me, that sounds like a boundary. A good one.
Originally Posted By: 12bar
Unfortunately, I know my W and even if she wholeheartedly wanted to R, I don't think she would be able to address the A, she would want it to just go away and for us to not talk about it.
How do you feel about that? Do you think that's showing the respect for you that you deserve? Even if you couldn't find hard evidence that the A is ongoing, would you be satisfied with continuing the R if she never has to address it?
Last edited by prairiegirl; 04/15/1003:56 PM. Reason: bad grammar!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I have decided that if I get new evidence of an ongoing A, the consequence has to be that she needs to make new living arrangements. However, since has not been overtly crossing any of my boundaries since the last confrontation, I feel like I could be in limbo for quite a while unless I happen to come across new evidence.
Of course, her admission back in March that she was not willing to cut off contact with OM and not able to work on the M could be enough for me to just say that this is not working for me. My therapist tells me I need to start pulling out of this R emotionally and in some ways, I am already starting to do this. My DB Coach is telling me that I need to be fun and flirtatious with her and never, ever mention the A.
Well, I'll start with the easy part of this: I COMPLETELY disagree with your DB coach. Does this coach know that your wife's infidelity, secrecy, etc. is continuing when they recommended this? This is shocking to me.
Now, the rest is a little trickier, but I do think you can use that earlier March statement from your wife -- and her current behavior -- to make your stand.
"Wife, I've been doing some thinking, and I've decided that this just isn't working for me. You stated at the MC back in March that you weren't willing to give up your affair, and it's obvious by your behavior since then that you're not either. I have too much value in myself to put up with that kind of disrespect. I think you need to find another place to live, and we need to start separating our finances. I need to move on; you were right, this isn't working between us."
If she tries to deny the affair (and she will), and put this back on you (she will), just put up your hand (as in "stop") and say "We both know you're lying to me right now, but that really doesn't even matter anymore. You were right -- we're just not right for each other, and it's obvious neither one of us are happy." But HOLD FIRM on the who-moves-out thing, with "Since I'm not the one that invited a third person into the marriage, I won't be going anywhere. It would be best if you found someplace else to live by the end of the month."
You're basically taking a "I can be left with no other reasonable conclusion than you're continuing to have an affair, and I have decided that I'm no longer willing to live in an open marriage" position. Make HER "prove the negative" (prove no-contact, via full transparency -- she'll never do it), and when she refuses to, you have your answer.
It's the Last of the Last Resort Technique, but you sound basically "done" anyway, and consider that -- while this isn't guaranteed to work -- what you're doing NOW isn't working, and I do think this has the best chance of success.
