Just found out she already filed

[ImprovedRomeo]

Previous thread:The latest sitch

Summary of the history is in the signature.

Ah, dealing with both the shock but mostly sadness. I want to ask her how she can do this to DD, splitting her up like this? DD still says things like 'daddy when we go camping next time and mommy's living with us...' etc.

She's the lovliest little thing and I get all choked up to think she won't be with STBXW and me together at the same time. I'm just so sad for my DD. I feel like I failed to give her what she needs and deserves.

I even sent STBXW an email this morning about the b.day plans yet she didn't even hint at anything like this.

[alice444]

Why did you start a new thread? Just b/c you feel like it's a new phase now?

I feel so blindsided and betrayed. It's hard to believe I trusted her so much. She wrote this to me a couple of days ago: "Thanks and have a great weekend with DD!"
How can she be so two faced, by then she'd already started the process (apparently a couple of weeks ago). I guess I should've known, she acts nice and then does the most damaging things. She never discusses or talks about anything. Only confides in her friends never me.

You did say just a few days ago- I believe in response to my sitch- that W always acts nicest before dropping more bombs. I know it hurts to know they've been planning something like this for awhile- I know. Why we're expecting them to change course, is what I don't know. She is probably telling herself that she has nothing to be ashamed of b/c she's acting cordial to you, etc. on the outside. This also helps her feel better about what she's doing to the family. I think that you need to re-group with your L to get a read on your current situation. Read what I wrote to H4L- don't let every move she makes shake you up, if you can help it. You need to at some point talk with W and/or a C about how this is affecting D. This is serious and if you guys haven't been educating yourselves, talking or talking with someone professional, I think you really should try to do that. You have to come together on that at least- it's too important to not take action on and figure out how to parent her through this. Take care of yourself, too-- how are those pushups going?

[ImprovedRomeo]

I started this new thread to get some support from those that are going through it or have been through this process.

Yeah I should know her dual personality but it's so hard to accept. She's the Jekyll and Hyde.

I just read your reply to H4L, wow I needed to read that. Thanks!

No pushups today, maybe tomorrow. I haven't been feeling well since yesterday (hmm, telepathic effect) so no pushups. I've been feeling dizzy, not sure if it's lack of energy or inner ear sinus issue.

[ImprovedRomeo]

So I've calmed down a lot, feeling exhausted and sleepy already (8pm) so I wanted to jot down a few thoughts:

1. I need to end all expectations from her side and expect worst. That way I won't feel shattered by her actions. OK how do I do this? lol

2. I need to think about this stuff from my own and DD's point of view, nothing beyond that

3. I'll never know what she's thinking, who she's consulting etc so I need to stop thinking about what she's thinking...right.

4. I should act like her 'just fine on the surface'. Let her wonder if I know about her filing the D or not. If she asks 'yep, my L told me' - nothing more.

5. Don't follow through with my plan to wrap a paper that says D I V O R C E in a nice package and hand it to her for her as her b.day present "it's what you've been asking for for many years!"

6. Give my mind some much needed rest.

[Gardener]

Sorry, SR,

So I've calmed down a lot, feeling exhausted and sleepy already (8pm) so I wanted to jot down a few thoughts:
1. I need to end all expectations from her side and expect worst. That way I won't feel shattered by her actions. OK how do I do this? lol Better to just expect - and try not to be thrown by - the unexpected. Because you're gonna get a lot of that!
2. I need to think about this stuff from my own and DD's point of view, nothing beyond that. Yes. But know that this will take time. We are creatures of habit. And you are in shock and pain. It's a whole new way of thinking about your - singular vs. plural - life.
3. I'll never know what she's thinking, who she's consulting etc so I need to stop thinking about what she's thinking...right. That's right. You'll never know. And you will find that 99.99% of your assumptions about such things will be 1) Totally wrong and 2) a tremendous, draining waste of mental energy.
4. I should act like her 'just fine on the surface'. Let her wonder if I know about her filing the D or not. If she asks 'yep, my L told me' - nothing more. Detached. "Cheerful and stupid." Close to the vest. The less you reveal, the less you risk being trampled.
5. Don't follow through with my plan to wrap a paper that says D I V O R C E in a nice package and hand it to her for her as her b.day present "it's what you've been asking for for many years!" Um....yeah, I'd go along with dropping this idea!
6. Give my mind some much needed rest. Definitely. Distraction. Physical distraction and challenge.

And, SR, in those moments when you don't think you have it in you, don't think you have the courage, the stamina, know that you do. It's there, still. Summon it up. For DD's sake if nothing else.

[flowmom]

big hugs SR. That is quite a bomb to absorb. Yes D is just a piece of paper, but every milestone towards it has an emotional impact. I really like your plan. Print it out and refer to it often! It will keep you on track. I hope that you can work on an IRL support network -- it sounds like you don't have much of a community. Reaching out to other people will help you move forward. And take care of yourself as much as possible.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks guys!

G, even lifting a toothbrush feels like it weighs 70lbs. I somehow managed to drive to work this morning but I don't really have any energy to do anything. Distraction only works for a few seconds and then I think about how one huge part of my life is ending and how can I possibly not think about it and the cycle repeats.

DD called me last night and I tried to be as upbeat as I could and I think I pulled it off. She missed me tons, she kept saying she didn't want me to go yet and kept talking and then got sad saying she really really really wanted to see me today. I told her maybe if mommy's OK so she asked and she said 'we'll see' which usually means 'no way in hell'. So I told DD I'll see her the next day and she can call me whenever she wants. She kept saying pleaseeee pleaseeee - poor thing!

I haven't heard back from W about tomorrow as to where she wants to meet for her b.day. I want to tell her so many things, offer Retrovaille etc but I think it's time that we got a D. Mostly because of some F'd up CA laws - if you're married 10+years you're really screwed. We've been married 9 and even if she comes back (I know she won't) who knows when she'll take off again.

I still think we should at least talk about the division of assets outside of the lawyers, courts etc but I don't know about that either...

Sucks so bad it's the person I lived with for so long and now I don't even know her anymore.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I'm sorry Romeo.

give yourself some time (like a day or 2) to really grieve and then move on to the things that help you get past it. play upbeat christian music when you can.

but most importantly, you must let her go, and believe and trust that God has a plan for you. your life is not over, and you can still have a beautiful life ahead of you.

(((Romeo)))

[ClingingToHope]

I received the D papers in the mail in February. I've been clinging to hope every step of the way. But it moves on whether you want it to or not.

Once it's gotten to this point you can't beat yourself up. There's nothing you could have done. She's being nice because mentally she's moved on. You have to catch up to her. Your days of regret are right now. Trust me, hers will come in the future. It may be years in the future, but they will come.

Today, I sat in court waiting for my case to be called. I never ever thought we'd get here. I still, deep down in my broken heart cling to that .00000001 percent chance that things will change.

At least you are a little younger than I am and there's lots of life left. What you need to do now is figure how to get as much time with your daughter as possible. It's all about time and being able to watch them grow up as much as possible.

Forget people who tell you not to let her cake-eat when it comes to your daughter. Whenever you can get extra time take it.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Reading through GIMA's thread I noticed Gardener posted this:

"Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities have crept in;
Forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit
to be encumbered with your old nonsense"

Powerful words.

CTH, thanks for checking in. It rings true when you say she's being nice because she's mentall moved on and I have to catch up to her. Trust me I want to but I don't know how. For a few mins I feel like I'll be moving on but then the next few mins I'm feeling like crap again as if she runs through my blood and I need her to survive. I know I don't. I've survived 2.5 years without her before and I've been ok for the most part since she last left but the D bomb really did me in! I'm actually surprised at my phatheticness because I did't think it'll affect me this much. I'm sure a lot of it is seeing the finality of things and part of it is all the extra legal crap that I'm uncomfortable with.