have done the 180's and turned things around in my life. I have been happy again for teh first time in many years. I am finally comming to terms with what has caused all of the pain in my life. My WAW is in the house but away emotionally. She is in a seperate room, no wedding ring and no relations. I have done what I can do to improve myself, and I know better than to try to force her to fix things, but I am very frustrated. Do I really just stand around and wait for her to come back or not???? This cannot be right. We get along with talking and parenting very well and act as if nothnig ever happened. In fact in some ways it is better than it ever was. I know that she resents me for some of the things that have happened in the past. How do we deal with these problems? How does she need to deal with it. I just cannot believe that I need to sit and wait for the day that a light bulb goes on and she is ready to do these things, especially since she NEVER talks about her feelings. She has repressed so much and until that goes away we cannot fix things. So there it is...but what now? The whole thing is really weighing heavily on me and I really need some sort of affection from her. Please help me understand what is going on right now, maybe some encouragement. I love her so much, always have, I just do not know how much more I can take.
Both your sitches seem so similar to mine. It is the most difficult thing in the world to endure. I am hopeful, but I am also more relistic that it may or may not work out, but I have to focus on me and in my case the kids too.
I have chosen to stay and not leave for better or worse. I am figuring is the R is going to end then it will with me staying or leaving. I am an advocate for staying myself, but this is a decision everyone has to make on their own. I also do not want to be away from kids if I divorce. I want to have much of a R with them as possible.
Do not stop following what works here!
We will all be okay! What does not kill you, will only make you stronger!!!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
have done what I can do to improve myself, and I know better than to try to force her to fix things, but I am very frustrated. Do I really just stand around and wait for her to come back or not???? This cannot be right.
You did all of that since March 2nd? Well let's see, she put up with you for 20 yrs, so....nah, I'd say giving her a month of you trying is plenty of time!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am a similar sitch too. W has deeper issues with me too. I refuse to leave our home and told her it's not me who wants this. I will say that I have been told by Sandi the same comments. The waw didn't just wake up with these thoughts. It took years probably. I for one am not calling it quits. Patience my friend. I understand it's a tough one and only you can decide how patient.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
SMM23, Has W accused you of faking it or not believing what she is seeing? Are you speaking at all? You have to hold in there but I know it's hard...Do you have children? For me carting our girls to and fro is a great way for me to keep my mind off of the R...but it is extremely hard not to break up when I look at them.
At first she told me that she thought that all the changes I made were fake. Then thanks to Sandi, I realized I was comming on too strong. I just toned it down and have been just more confident and working on my problems. We are still talking and in many ways we communicate better than ever. But, she treats me like the friend that she has to be friends with to keep the peace. We have a S4 and as long as he is awake, we act like everything is fine. Not that we start fighting when he goes to bed, but we just kind of coexist and sometimes talk until she goes in her room and I go in mine. It helps knowing that other people are going through the same thing. I know that my problems caused a lot of this, but it is a two way street and she had a hand in the problems as well. I have a hard time with the WAW issue because she felt she was doing everythnig she could but she was not. We both were trying to fix things and we just never did at the same time or were on the same wavelenghth. So it is not like she was alone in all of this. So now I have to work on all of this by myself and she can sit there and determine if it is going to work or not even though she is not trying and her family is telling her that she needs to get away becasue they do not like my family and me by association. It is just not right. Maybe I just need to vent
LSG I think you said it best and it really is how I feel I think. It is just very difficult since we have been together so long and it is very difficult to not be able to touch my wife intimately for fear of a reaction or pushing her away. The longest we have gone without contact like this in 20+ years was 2 days. Now it has been 5 1/2 months. It really hurts but I have to deal with it I guess. Sometimes I rant, but at least I am in the house with her and things are getting better, I think. An I am with her and my son. For the most part we act like we are together, but the lack of closeness is weighing on me as I know it is on you guys too.
Cesoco, I have been reading your threads, and I hear you man. I understand where you are comming from and it is good to hear this kind of support from you guys.
Sandi, thanks for the input. I understand what you are saying and it has been more than a month. It has been a month since I was on this forum, but I had 2 books read before I got on here. I did the stereotypical go read a book and it will fix everythnig. It helped, but nothing fixes everything. Yes I turned my life around 180 in a month and 1/2. I hit rock botom and knew that my last support I had, my wife, was now gone and I had to do something. The DR book helped a TON. I felt like my heart stopped and then someone used the defibrillator on me. That shock changed my life. For whatever reason, for the first time in my life I saw what I needed to do and what I needed to change and I did it. I felt like the guy who when he saw his wife stuck under a wrecked car, had superhuman strength and picked the car up to free her. Am I done? By no means, I think it will be a work in progress until I die. But my wife has noticed and complimented me on all of the changes I have made. The biggest one I need to make now is get my out-of-shape butt back in the gym and get back into soccer playing condition. FOR ME!! but it will not hurt things between her and I. Thank you everybody for your comments and support, it really helps!!!!!!!
I hear you on the no sex part even though my wife and I have not been together as long as you and your wife. It does not bother me as much as her having an affair. The thing I am most concerned with is the missing love element in the marriage more than the physical contact. It is important for me to get that back because the other would more naturally follow.
I have to keep focused on myself and hopefully the marriage will follow that. My interest is to end the affair!
Keep up the positive attitude. I know it is very difficult!!!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
It does not bother me as much as her having an affair. The thing I am most concerned with is the missing love element in the marriage more than the physical contact. It is important for me to get that back because the other would more naturally follow.
Excellent point!!!! I really thought about this one. It really is the love element that I miss as well. I understand how bad the affair must be for you. I am honstly not sure what I would do if that happened to me. I always thought it was unforgivaeable, but I guess it also the situation that would determine what it is.
I would give anythngi so see that look in her eye again that you know that she is "In Love" again. To have her look lovingly into my eyes and then just be together. How can we heal the hurt?
