It worked for me. I was the king puss-boy, melt man, enabler. A horrible DB'r but eventually I learned.
Like was posted above, after starting to DB it took 6 moths for her to decompress to the point where she said well, I'm not leaving. Another year for her to do OM detox and then a year of limbo before I really GAL, got strong enough etc...to say F it, this isn't what I want. We had a blow up over one weekend about the poor state of our marriage. I just said fine, on Monday I shall file. On Monday we talked. I said after my eggs I'm off to lawyer up. It was only during that breakfast the she finally was shook enough. She has been working as a partner in the marriage for the last few months. Not perfect but improving.
Without DB I would have been divorced 2 years ago. Of that I have no doubt.
Many success stories quickly move on, trying, I think, to put this place far behind them. It gives the impression of fewer success stories than there actually are.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Many success stories quickly move on, trying, I think, to put this place far behind them. It gives the impression of fewer success stories than there actually are.
Astute observation. Makes sense.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
despite my registration date, i've already lost 4 months of db-ing time. but during that time, our m was so rocky and emotions were high that it wasn't possible to do much. yes, there was a bit of crying, giving space, panic, omg what am i going to do? thoughts. i was a wreck for two months - see two months gone and db-ing hadn't even started yet. it wasn't until after that, i started GAL. things started to calm down a bit but d was still on the table. we sold our dream home and traded it in for two separate crappy apartments. this is now three months after the d-bomb and what kind of db-ing work has been done? only a few 180s and GAL. with separate apartments, i can now go dark. but again, just starting the 'going dark' process after d-bomb dropped 3 months ago
to be honest, i longed for my own apartment. i needed to be away from h and his constant verbal attacks and accusations. they say to not believe in 100% of what they say and only 50% of what they do. it's hard when they attack your character and not take it personally. it hurts and often that makes you question your decision to save your m or not. this alone can cause you to go back and forth and waste time i still have days where i want to give up db-ing but i find myself going back to it not because i want to save my m but because i need to do it for me i am making use of my time to do what i want to do i am almost coming to terms that i can go on with or without h
db-ing isn't an overnight thing. it requires you to make changes that will stick with you for life how do you tell if the changes are becoming second nature? only time will tell work on you for you
I joined in Sept. and throughout Sept and Oct I didn't see much hope for my M. I DB'ed as best I could with a lot of ups and downs and my H recommitted to our M in December. We are now working on things... and, as you will see in my piecing thread, I feel DBing has been a success for me whether my M ultimately survives this or not.
thanks for posting everyone. I actually have had a couple phone sessions with Chuck. On the first one, I was absolutely positive D was imminent and unavoidable, it was embarrassing telling him the story because it was such a dramatic mess. On the 2nd call Chuck showed me he had some real game, I'd felt during the first call that maybe he was just giving scripted responses but he went somewhere with me that was really quite spectacular, and I knew for sure that he cared. I had been doing the GAL and 180 thing, with hopes but not expectations.
So it's been about 2 mos and she seems to have been mellowing, but this past weekend she went off on me and has been in a bad mood since. So I guess I don't really know how to know when I'm off the gangplank and back on the boat, and then off the boat and back on solid ground.
I can be patient but it's pretty lonely. I don't think she's kissed me or hugged me possibly for nearly 9 months.
my wife has at least been talking to me lately, we work at the same place and still are in the house together, mainly because it's so expensive here neither one of us can really leave.
In my mind I've been db'ing and have had some setbacks here and there, but I notice she seems to come back around and then will get angry and quiet again. She is on medication and it it an antidepressant that was prescribed by a physician..and I don't think she has anybody "checking up" on the level or anything. She pushed me this weekend to do work on our house, I used to love working on the house but in the back of my mind I feel like I'm being manipulated to fix the house so it will sell when she's ready. My back hurt pretty bad but I was a good boy. She asked me about the roof this morning and then a few minutes later started crying and wouldn't tell me why so I have that sick feeling back...women crying tears that aren't tears of joy can't be a good thing. My 3 year old is openly campaigning for all 3 of us to be in the car together. I feel really bad that he can feel this thing and obviously it's on his mind. We have nearly had an in house separation..she does things with the kid, then I do, but rarely together. we went somewhere in teh car together a few days ago and my little boy got very excited and made a big deal that mommy and daddy were together with him. Just from his reaction she can no longer deny that it's been on his poor little mind. I just wanted him to have a nice family life and not have to deal with any of this stuff. I already feel like I'm failing as a father. There's no way a kid can go through this and not be affected deep down.
Unfortunately, the kids are always the biggest victims. I'm a product of a divorced family myself, so I know what mine ewent through.
Even now almost 6 months into being a re-united family, neither child has ever questioned what "really" happened. They just don't want to go there.
And the rare couple of times where (x)W and I would 'agree to disagree' and quarrel a bit, they would freak out and I know S11 has begged her to stop in fears that I'd leave.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
For me, there is an affair going on but my H has brought up D 4 tiems in the last year. (Twice before I posted here)I have been hung up on what will happen to my S if we D and am working on that through therapy. I know I will be okay- but the kids will suffer and there is nothing we can do about it other than be stable ourselves.
Dbing started out as incentive to get H back and in the process, I have become an improved person. I believe no one can "tell you" to stop worrying about your W and worry about you---it is a personal process that will take place IF you DB! YOU will be in a worse spot if you don't-meaning you might never stop worrying about W! Just try to be as consistent as possible and read about walk away wives on other sites as well--they are a little different than walk away husbands! Be careful with that back of yours!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
