figured i am not quite a newbie anymore so i would post in here as i have no idea where to post....
you can catch up on my situation below.
so things are going well with W and I, getting along better than ever. I love my W and want to re-build our M which is happening right now. Problem i am having is getting past the fact that she shared...for lack of better words "intimate moments" with another man. The mental movies are subsiding...but i am still having hard time getting past knowing that she did and shared sexual things that she did with me with another man.
I am working on forgivness, but how the hell can i, when i am having trouble getting past the fact she had sex with OM?
gma
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Hey GMan, good to see you here... easier to keep track of you now
First question : Was your wife a virgin when you two started having sex or was she sexually active before you two met?
Second questin : What is your wife doing to help you past this?
#1 - no not a virgin...lol #2 - she is doing little things like hugging, touching me when she knows i am having inner turmoil (things she has never done in our marriger in the past) - i think she knows my LL and is working that with me.
on the flip she thinks i am beating her up when i bring "it" back up - which i can understand from her view as welll...that is what makes this so hard.
gman
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Your wife needs to be TOLD that this is NOT about HER. Your wife is making YOUR hurt abotu HER instead... and its' NOT.
When people go into the hospital and are injured, teh nurse doens't roll their eyes and complain that you are making HER life more difficult does she?
If your wife wasn't a virgin, then look at your marriage this way :
1. Your wife was sexually acitve other men 2. Your wife was sexually active with you 3. Your wife was sexually acitve with other men 4. Your wife was sexually active with you
Are you seriously dealign with anything NEW here? I mean, your wife was busy before you met, so how is this different other than you KNEW the guy?
I know its hard, but under these circumstances you were enjoing a marriage under the delusion that your wife wasn't active before your marriage. She WAS... this isnt' much different than that...
Your wife needs to learn to love UNCONDITIONALLY. This means supporting you and NOT worrying about how hurt this makes HER feel... SHE has to do some divorce busting right now... and NOT complain about it...
She has to do teh db-ing.. tha'ts it in a nutshell. Only SHE is whining about it.
well put..nothing new (except a couple of dreams the past few days about me and OM having physical confrontation - which i told her about in the morning of each)
Quote:
Your wife needs to learn to love UNCONDITIONALLY. This means supporting you and NOT worrying about how hurt this makes HER feel... SHE has to do some divorce busting right now... and NOT complain about it...
She has to do teh db-ing.. tha'ts it in a nutshell. Only SHE is whining about it.
The trick is how to get that point across to her without pissing her off...lol
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
I said this in another thread, but its worth repeating
Communication is NOT always goign to be pleasant
1. Sometimes its good news ("You look good today dear") 2. Sometimes its bad news ("Your brother passed away today", "You are cheating on me and it hurts", "I had to feel like you do for three months while you were having sex with another man... suck it up")
The adult way to handle hearing things is to hear them and NOT turn it around into an ATTACK and get DEFENSIVE.
YOU "I found your wall the car dear" HER "Oh, so you're saying I am careless!!!???"
Your wife wants to handle communication in a jeuvenile way... hearing only the good things, and immediately throwing back the bad stuff... it's time for her to grow up.
I would lead with examples of how SHE had bad news for YOU, and how you had to handle that...
This is a very subtle form of bullying, if she keeps it up, you will only want to tell her good news... and that is NOT good for a marriage. She can't bully all the bad news into the ground just because it's painful for her to hear.. its NOT good for you OR her in the long term... not to mention its bad for your kids.
I would lead with examples of how SHE had bad news for YOU, and how you had to handle that...
This is a very subtle form of bullying, if she keeps it up, you will only want to tell her good news... and that is NOT good for a marriage. She can't bully all the bad news into the ground just because it's painful for her to hear.. its NOT good for you OR her in the long term... not to mention its bad for your kids.
lol...so my initial knee jerk reaction was to tell her to get the (insert explecitive her)out of our house...not the best example of how to handle something do ya think.
kind of what i was telling her - some days will be good others will be bad....and the day OM and i come face to face....well that might just be plain fun! not for him sleeping with my W but for the things he said about my children and they way they will grow up with my negative attitude (which is gone these days thanks to lots of people on here pointing me in the right dirrection)
anyhow....that confontation will be a whole diffrent topic (it will be soon though as baseball is getting in full swing)
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
I will admit that I have slowly taught myself to just start thinking of something else, something pleasant, each time the horrid movie begins.
I had a hard time getting over the whole "how could he do this to me" but feel like I'm in a better state of mind now. The thoughts lessen as time goes by...
Now I'm more in a situation where all I think is "how can he not know that he wants to be with me? how could he want to be separated so he can realize what he has and miss me?" I can't get over the fact that he doesn't think that being with me is a no brainer!
I wish you all the luck in the world! xo
Last edited by timehealsall; 04/12/1004:53 PM.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
I will admit that I have slowly taught myself to just start thinking of something else, something pleasant, each time the horrid movie begins.
i pretty much have the "movies" under control - it is just the thought of my W had sex with OM (of course she traded down so theat makes me feel oooohhh so much better) keeps me from moving forward i guess...
Originally Posted By: Allen A
At least you'll have a Bat handy...
how true....lol but i have always been a better person than OM so i had better watch my back!
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
