The year of not my problem

[AJM]

So after several years of being treated like crap, trying like a fiend to save our 18+ year marriage, I'm now heading for separation/divorce. What fun
She dropped the bomb 10/8. She moved out mother's day and left me and the kids behind. I let her come back thinking she had changed. I was wrong. I think now she just came back to get her things...
As far as I can tell, she has been gone since 9/08 when the crisis of her nephew dying hit. She never really came back from the funeral.
I've been relieved actually. I'm very "depleted" as the counselor calls it. She has killed the marriage and there is not a thing I can do about it.
Others talk about waiting to date at least one yearly cycle. I get that. I can honestly say that I've been alone for at least that long. Am I ready for another relationship? To some degree yes. But nothing too serious. I agonized over that concept for a while. But to tell the truth a transitional relationship doesn't seem like a bad idea. A way to learn more about people. To learn more about me. I've had a lot of alone time to think about that over the past several years (even before the bomb).
Now I'm moving on. Faster and faster. And I feel better about it. I look forward to being happier and not just relieved but for now I'll take the relieved part. 'Cause I know the happiness is coming after we are truly separated (we still have to live in the same house until it sells for financial reasons.)
One thing that is curious - she swore up and down she wanted to be friends. I have no desire to be friends with somebody that treated me like has. Still don't. But it's curious why she is soooooooo angry towards me. Has been for a very long time. I know I can't get an answer, but it is baffling to me why she gets what she wants and is angry. <sigh>

Hope the house sells fast....

AJ

[mindfull]

I found you. Now, I can read and reply. Why did you not come and say hello? You were my first friend!!! Lots going on... not a lot of good.

[mindfull]

AJ:

Still don't. But it's curious why she is soooooooo angry towards me. Has been for a very long time. I know I can't get an answer, but it is baffling to me why she gets what she wants and is angry. <sigh>
AJ

I'd be pissed too, if the man I walked away from, turned around and did all the things I wanted him to, shaped up, and looks hot now!

How's that for your PMA!!???

Just sending a hug, and support for my friend. You are a GEM, and will find so much happiness. There will be ONE (or maybe many - eyebrow wiggle) lucky woman out there when she finds herself loved by you.

You are a good man.

HUGS

[AJM]

Sorry, on impulse I came out and dropped in on the group. Not being rude, but haven't really caught up yet. Trying to be careful of the hope-dope (as my mc calls it) that runs rampant here. It's good to keep hope. It is. But it can be unhealthy.
You may be right. By her own admission I always treated her very well. I am "hot" or so my friends tell me (funny story: I met up with a local support group and had met an organizer the week prior without knowing she was part of that. When I showed up, one of of the others in the group asked her, "is this the good looking guy you were talking about?" - good for me ego so far

I realized that in 20 years she found one thing she can try to use to blame me - that makes me darn near perfect in her eyes. I guess she may have a few issues with that. Don't know. Don't really want to care either, but sometimes I still do. Less and less though which is good.

I realized just how abused I've been. I'm shell-shocked or something similar. I have zero emotional ability at the moment, when it comes to giving to somebody romantically. Just nothing there for now.

I have made so many new friends and reconnected with so many old friends. I love that! I am really enjoying things so much more. More and more each day I let a piece go as best I can and I can feel the stress rolling off. I am really liking that.

And you? I'll catch up with your thread a little later today. Work calls.....

AJ

[mindfull]

AJ - I didn't see your reply. Like the ego boost!! LOL Whoo Hoo!

You don't need to give anything to anyone romantically now. Enjoy you, and allow yourself to just be.

It's empowering to feel the stress rolling off. I hear ya.

Thanks for the continual check-in. You're a good friend. HUGS Oh, yea, and an ego boost!

[Babygirl]

AJM......I like to read your positve attitude!! I also left the group for a while because of the same reasons, I knew what I had to do, and being here I wasnt sure I could do it, or handle a single person telling me I was giving up, when actually I was doing the best thing for myself, and my children.
We were talkin yesterday about the green monster rearing its head, when WE move fwd, and yes even if we are doing exactly what they have said they wanted.....don't let that monster detuor you from your journey. Its nice to have friends on the same journey that we are on.....Best of luck to you!!!

[AJM]

It's a tough road.
The latest:
The therapist has been giving me a hard time telling me I'm angry. Know what? I am. And I won't change that. There's no reason to right now. I have no intentions of "being friends" with STBX. That's ludicrous. I stay angry because otherwise I let my guard down. And everytime I do that I get punched in the nose. That's happened every time for the last three years. I see no reason to continue allowing that behavior.
In fairness, I was nicer than cold today. I actually encouraged her nice behavior again (first time in months). I'm not willing to be friends with somebody that treats me the way she does. I almost had to beat that into the therapist. Not sure what she is telling me this for but it is what it is. I've had enough of this bat sh*t crazy mess. The jealousy. The sleepless nights. The worry.

I did get some good advice from the therapist too though. She mentioned some good ways to talk to the kids about. For example, she mentioned that I should tell them the truth in a way that is not accusatory of their mother. To let them know we still love them and will be there for them at events in their lives. Even if together as long as we don't have to ride together
I spoke to my daughter today (she got her permit yesterday. YAY!) about it. Before when she remarked I was happier I didn't disagree. But after talking to the therapist she suggested I change that so the daughter doesn't think I like this and the pain it brings. She suggested instead I mention the truth and let her know I am deeply heartbroken and disappointed but that I'm relieved to know the outcome. I'm going to miss our family and our house and pets, but I'm relived that I no longer have to be in limbo. For now, that will have to do.

Just my venting for the day. Gotta bounce

AJ

[AJM]

Update:
Nothing much to report. I was feeling a bit down and sad last night and this morning. I expect that's normal considering. I feel like I want to move on and that pressure is getting to me. Need to sell the house first, but may just decide that I should give it to her. Then again, I'm stubborn and I haven't done anything wrong. Just painful is all. I may decide that I do not want to keep the house as much as I want my freedom. Am I nuts??? I don't know, but it's better than depressed and beaten down if that's what it is.
</vent>
I know that I won't do that. I have my kids to think about. They deserve my best and I'll give it to them. No matter what I'll be sure they are well taken care of.

So. Now that I've vented, I feel better. I know that feeling sorry for her is the wrong attitude. I know that I cannot go back to that mess in a dress. I don't need that pain another minute. I don't want it. I want to be free (I'm repeating myself; I think it's time to end here

AJ

[ImprovedRomeo]

AJ,

I don't know your whole sitch but based on your posts here and your signature I can feel and understand your frustration. Over a year is a long time - your emotions will probably change often. Sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes at relieved - not in any particular order as I'm sure you already know.

As most here have suggested many times, you don't have to be friends with your STBXW but you should be cordial. You're better than than that!

Whatever you decide in terms of the house, a new relationship, etc just make the kids and yourself are the priority. Kids are innocent bystanders that lose the most in these situations and it's what hurts the most.

[aliveandkicking]

Wow!! I rarely come here anymore but have often wondered what happened to you!!!

It is good that you are moving in a clear direction.

Hard, I know, but good for you.