Mariage Row or Marriage Bliss?

[Onthemountaintop]

I am on the anniversary of two things. Yesterday was my actual M anniversary that W and I haven't really ever celebrated. Today is the 7th month anniversary of a hard, hopeful, painful, exciting, stressful, useful, nerve-racking, thankful, anxious, loving, threatening, hateful, confusing, wonderful, apprehensive, and soul-searching time of my life.

Quite the ride. Wouldn't wish it on an enemy, but I'm glad I'm going through it 'cause it means that in a couple years I will have moved ahead, with or without my wife. Together as a stronger family or alone but looking ahead toward new or different relationships. My kids will have certainty by then in either having a safe home or two safe homes - God willing of course.

So, to celebrate, I am ending my old thread and hoping it dies in the archives of my life and this site.

Out with the old, right?! Nope. But I need it to become a memory from which I've learned or at least changed.

If you want to get the history, you can go to:
for my old thread...

History below...

[Onthemountaintop]

Well. This thread isn't starting off so good. Had a R talk. Didn't have a choice because I can't shake my waivering hope off my face. I need a mask~

Told her:
- I'm having a big problem with the after 6mo I'll divorce you threat she's got. I need time to deal with the problems she and I both want solved for good.
- Realized today that my fears are keeping me from making the commitment needed for our M
- I find it so hard to be looking at houses that should be for a happy life together when I am worried she'll D any day
- I want to trust her, but I can't do that when she's reading my notes from our marriage follow up meetings for Retrouvaille and when I'm afraid that she'll misunderstand them as has happened many times in the last few months.
- I am afraid that being honest with her means that I will admit to viewing and adult site and that she'll D me or at least make the next 24 hours for me like a small hell on earth.

She is having a big problem with accepting me because she thinks if I do it I'm choosing the pornography over her & the kids. I'm not. I can't believe I have done this, but I'm addicted. It's like a drug I told her, but no matter the example, she doesn't get it. I don't really get it either, but I accept that I've done all the things to stop that should've worked and failed. So I need help. And time.

Result of our 2+ hour conversation? I told her I would be considering separating in the house fully & completely until either 6 months have passed in which case she's planning to divorce me anyhow, I have solved my problem (very unlikely, IC and doc expect a year+), or she has decided to accept me and give me the time I need. I told her that maybe having our love partly kindled and then cutting myself out of it might make it possible for her to evaluate and realize that she can just choose to accept me.

I don't think I can separate, though. I don't want to and I'm so afraid it will make things worse. I'm very good at making things in my M worse, but I know that doing nothing will result in nothing.

[june72]

OTMT,
OMG, how can I say this. You are your own worst enemy at times.
When my hubby told me over and over it was done. I had a STRONG resolve. I am for the marriage and will do whatever it takes to keep this family united. Do you not think I had serious doubts at times? I kept them to myself. This is not the time for fickleness? Get it? Take a stand and do not waver, ever. That is exactly what your wife wants nothing less. She wants to see that you can be put through the wringer and still stand for her and the marriage.

I mean, come on, you really, really did do some serious offenses here and I do not think you are getting that. A porn addiction and a SSM for the wife is a deal breaker for the majority of women. Also, she feels (wheather is true or not) that you were emotionally abusive and I think emotionally unavailable. Again, reasons why a woman would have a hard time staying in the marriage.

She has VERY VALID reasons to waffle about commitment with you. YOU NEED TO HAVE STRONG RESOLVE AND FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE not put demands upon her. YOu need to do the hard work to get this right.

Any why in yhe world are you not more concerned for your five kids. D is devistating to them. For them alone shouldn't you bust your butt over repairing this?.....

[june72]

Well. This thread isn't starting off so good. Had a R talk. Didn't have a choice because I can't shake my waivering hope off my face. I need a mask~

Told her:
- I'm having a big problem with the after 6mo I'll divorce you threat she's got. I need time to deal with the problems she and I both want solved for good. Let it go for now. You really think that you can not stop your porn habit in 6 months? Really? Ouch, do you get that it hurts her, a lot?
- Realized today that my fears are keeping me from making the commitment needed for our M No, one has ever had success repairing a marriage if they are going to be ruled by fears. What fears are you talking about?
- I find it so hard to be looking at houses that should be for a happy life together when I am worried she'll D any day Why are you making this unilateral decision, She is not interested in bying a house now. Does her opinion on the matter not count? I am confused?- I want to trust her, but I can't do that when she's reading my notes from our marriage follow up meetings for Retrouvaille and when I'm afraid that she'll misunderstand them as has happened many times in the last few months. Listen, deal with it. She has every right to look at your notes and question you on them. A marriage is about openess. If she asks questions or misundertands something you calmly explain things to her. What could she totally misinterpret? - I am afraid that being honest with her means that I will admit to viewing and adult site and that she'll D me or at least make the next 24 hours for me like a small hell on earth. You will never repair this marriage without honestly. There must be a support group for spouses of someone with a porn addiciton or any addiction. If she is exducated on relapses she may be less distruaght. But the issue at hand is that you have to stop.




She is having a big problem with accepting me because she thinks if I do it I'm choosing the pornography over her & the kids. I'm not. I can't believe I have done this, but I'm addicted. It's like a drug I told her, but no matter the example, she doesn't get it. I don't really get it either, but I accept that I've done all the things to stop that should've worked and failed. So I need help. And time.

Result of our 2+ hour conversation? I told her I would be considering separating in the house fully & completely until either 6 months have passed in which case she's planning to divorce me anyhow, I have solved my problem (very unlikely, IC and doc expect a year+), or she has decided to accept me and give me the time I need. I told her that maybe having our love partly kindled and then cutting myself out of it might make it possible for her to evaluate and realize that she can just choose to accept me. THIS IS WRONG, you should work on building you live and not more talk about D and serperation scenerios, got it? She is possibly Ding you based on your behavior and actions, don't you get that. YOu have to power to affect the results here. I see a lots of excues.

I don't think I can separate, though. I don't want to and I'm so afraid it will make things worse. I'm very good at making things in my M worse, but I know that doing nothing will result in nothing.

Now that is a really smart and wise statement. Nothing will result in nothing. You've got it.

[june72]

OTMT, do you really want to quit porn? Honestly? Do you? Or are you doing this b/c you have to? Do you see this as really unhealthly?
What is your true motivation?

I just am wondering here.....

[june72]

Anyhow, setbacks are many when repairing a marriage.

It's not how we fall, or how many times we fall, but how we get back up that counts. Right?

[june72]

Wow, sorry for the endless typos. I doublechecked way too quickly here.

[Onthemountaintop]

Thanks for your thoughts~

To try some openness, I read (paraphrased) most of what I wrote and you responded to - after having a talk about why I'm not comfortable sharing everything with her now. The reasons I gave were:
- Since Oct, we've had a few major arguments, one of which led her to leave the house, because of pure misunderstandings when she reads. To qualify this, on her ESL language test she took last week, she got a Level 3 on reading (equivalent to 6 months of ESL), but a Level 7 on speaking. So we can talk about many issues, but when she reads them, she misunderstands much more than when we talk. I tried to explain that I will feel safe one day, but not now. I also explained that like some other posts told me, some of these ideas on the blog are not thoughts - they are venting. If she reads them or those I write to myself, I'm guaranteed to be in the dog house~

The house was a joint decision, or maybe more her decision than mine. What is hard to me is that considering it to be her desire, she isn't helping.

I know that honesty and support are important for her, and me, too. I really do mix things up and forget, but except for the porn sin, I do not lie. Ever. I don't believe in white lies.

The 6 months, though...I really can't do it knowing I'm guaranteed a D. I know she needs time for the affect of her IC to kick in. While being told "I'll divorce you if" is fine if someone is talking about a non-addictive behaviour though, I can't accept being told that when I am almost certain to relapse at least once or twice in the next few years after having stopped.

Living under a threat just isn't OK for me for the rest of my life. I've told her if she was saying that if I return to using it all the time then she'd leave, sure. If she said she'd leave if I wasn't improving, I'd think that was normal even if the word improvement isn't very objective. She isn't. She's saying if I do it at all, that would be it.

I do not expect her to fully heal or ever love my sin. I want to be certain that she loves me enough to stick by me in my lowest times, not just my highest.

I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't gamble. I don't hit her. I don't refuse to hear & consider her POV. I don't go on solo vacations. I don't control her work/education/"freedom".

But I am not sinless. There are many married people using porn and their proud of it. I am embarrassed and getting help. Eventually I will stop, but I'm not perfect and I know I will eventually screw up (barring any miracles). If that isn't enough for her, I am not enough for her. I want to accept that, too. I can't/won't.

Yes, it hurts her. I get that. It hurts me, too. I need her to get that. Being understood is a major emotional need for me. To accept living under a threat is like asking to live being intentionally misunderstood. That's too much for me.

[june72]

Hey, OTMT,
Super tired will read more tomorrow
Briefly looked this over and am totally seeing your point here.
My hubby has some of those issues also with not living under "threats" etc. Ironically I was the one talking about S and D originally at first. How funny it like the same path almost in a way. OK, a little bit similar.

I think it's her fear talking

OK, exhausted. Will type more tomorrow.
Glad to see you...

[LSG]

Hi OTMT,

I have not had time to read your whole thread, but does she understand the addiction to Porn that you seem to have. Correct me if I am wrong. Is there a way to explain it to her and find ways for her to deal with it better. Is there like an al-non for spouses of porn or counseling she could do to cope with changes you will be making over time to yourself.

I hope you and her are able to manage some type of agreement on this issue to save your marriage.