Full story here (it's long but tells you the whole situation if you want to read). WAH -- is there any hope?
I need some advice and motivation to keep hope (especially if any of the wise sages are reading this!). My WAH has really checked out emotionally but is very nice to me on the surface. We have a good friendship and are living together right now after 6 months of separation.
I am turning to you all to help me with your wisdom and support. This is so hard and most days, I really feel like it's not going to work. But the hope still remains b/c I really have faith in our marriage.
Have read DB, talking to DB coach (who is excellent!), read so many other marriage books and feel like i've tried everything under the sun...but so willing to try much more!
Here are the things he says: - "i don't feel connected...i want my W to be my best friend but i don't feel like that's you." - "you've changed but i can't get over the past hurt...i tried so hard early on in the marriage and i guess we both missed on our tries" - "you deserve better. it's not fair to stay together just because i don't want to be lonely" (me thinking...hmm, i don't want to be lonely either...we get along great...let's stay together!) - "you're everything i ever wanted in a wife (now) and i know i'm going to kick myself one day for doing this" - "even if we stay together now, we'll get divorced anyways 5 years down the road" - <in response to me saying things have been going well> "well, you know me, i like to keep the peace and can get along with anyone." - <for the times i meltdown and he comes to console and hold me> "i feel sorry for you"
Me 30, H34, M7years Bomb dropped 5/09, S8/09, Living together 2/10 (due to external forces)
Be playful Be consistant (watch those backslides) Demonstrate to him that you love him, but don't need him (great opportunity while you guys are living together/separated).
The female/work colleague thing is a bit dodgy - the thing for you to remember is that he's getting his "emotional" needs met from this woman. The more lighthearted, fun, un-needy you can be the better. You may be able to create an environment of trust, where he might just find it nicer to get his "emotional" needs met from you.
Emotional Affairs are tricky. Often there is no sexual stuff going on - often the whole attraction of an emotional affair is that it's safe (colleagues, internet affairs that are long distance – the kind of ‘relationship’ you can have without having a ‘relationship’) – but forging friendships outside of the marriage, no matter how platonic, isn’t really OK.
Still – it’s out of your control girlfriend – so you need to let it go for now. .
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thanks Walking. your advice is good and totally in line with what the DB coach said as well. in my case, do less, have more fun.
i'm trying my best to not think about possible OW b/c it's really not helpful at all. it makes me crazy in the head and doesn't help the overall mission. the crazier i am, the harder it is to be upbeat, positive, playful.
he was better today...opened up about stuff. how i hurt him early on, how he had tried. it's not a new story, per se, but i do appreciate it when he says it b/c i feel like that's the only way to let go. i listened and validated and did not talk about how i changed (per advice of DB coach). i also told him afterwards how i appreciate when he tells me these things b/c it helps me understand. then when he left for a work, he gave me a warm hug.
i wish there was a way to just say...we'll be ok! and he would believe it. he is a good hearted man and something has happened in the last year where he's changed. not sure if it's an MLC or OW or just truly that much of an emotional disconnect. whatever it is though, i sure wish it would end. sigh.
does anyone have the magic potion to get these WAS' to see clearly again? i would be willing to pay a hefty sum for it.
Me 30, H34, M7years Bomb dropped 5/09, S8/09, Living together 2/10 (due to external forces)
Here's some great advice that was posted back when I started:
Registered: 05/18/06 Posts: 965 Loc: Surrey, UK OK, also wanted to post what worked for me - most of it will be a rehash of DR, but I thought I'd put it here as a real world example. JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once. _________________________ Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married) Sept 07 2005 Seperated Sept and Oct 2005 H moved back Nov 2005, things still bad May 2006 - found this site Oct 2006 - H recomitted April 2007 - I began to feel normal again
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
this is great! i really need help keeping focus which is why i love #1. i do a great job of panicking and going nuts. i tend to do best when i'm calm and collected and can just be.
all the points are great and i'll definitely keep referring to this list. thank you!
i need to keep getting recharged cause some folks around me keep just saying that he's walked away and there has to be effort from both sides. they think i've done too much and need to just face the facts. call me crazy but i'm determined to fight!
i'm hoping to gain a support group here to help me with my mission. i'm so amazed by the love, compassion and wisdom on this forum!
Me 30, H34, M7years Bomb dropped 5/09, S8/09, Living together 2/10 (due to external forces)
I have some thoughts and questions after reading through your situation.
The first thing that you need to come to terms with is that you cannot control his behavior. However, you can influence his behavior by how you interact with him.
A good book for you to look at is The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca; it discusses much of the same stuff as DB and DR, and also covers topics like emotional reactivity (here is a good article by Scott Ginsberg on the subject) and detachment (here is a Livestrong.com article on detachment). If you can work on detaching and overcoming emotional reactivity, you have the tools to defuse the negative interaction that currently exists.
Next, work on yourself. Many people are unwilling or unable to change until their life is in crisis; you should take advantage of this to really look at yourself and decide who you are and what is important to you.
The easiest way to start this is to read, read, read. 1000ships collected a whole bunch of good articles by James J. Messina, the author of "Developing Detachment" above, in this thread.
Here are some other books to recommend:
* The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca * Getting Back Together by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz * His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley * The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman * For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn (For men, there is For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn)
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Trent, thanks for your input. I will definitely read the books you suggested.
I started reading the detachment article and man, that's me. i'm such an over-functioner, fix it person. I finally learned after our son's death (amongst other things) that things are not in our control (and really in the trust of God's ultimate wisdom). i guess i didn't learn the lesson enough though since this bomb was dropped! so now, i feel like, ok, i get it already! it's not in my control...but now what? do i sit back and do nothing, do i keep trying, what do i do???....it's hard for me to just be. this last piece has had me spinning in circles for the last few weeks. some days, i'm on overdrive to do everything i've learned from all these books, other days, i try to take things one day at a time, and then on the bad days, i'm a freak (ok, that's exaggerated...kind of. :))
Me 30, H34, M7years Bomb dropped 5/09, S8/09, Living together 2/10 (due to external forces)
I'm so sorry to hear that you lost a child. That is such a terrible and traumatic experience. I'm sure it is related to problems that you have had since that time. Are you two going to a marriage counselor? Do you think that he would go to a Retrouvaille weekend with you? It is a wonderful experience that focuses on improving the communication between spouses. The website for more information is www.helpourmarriage.org.
