I hate to start a new thread, but I really do need some advice now. More than ever.
I'm gonna lay it out hardcore here... So thanks in advance for reading. I'm just gonna put some AC/DC on iTunes and type away...
Cliff notes
wife left no contact for a month premature reconciliation (i pushed too hard.. set boundaries I wasn't prepared to stand by... blah blah blah) no contact again for 2 weeks (not long enough maybe? I just needed to distance myself for a bit)
There appears to be no other guy (appears being the main word there)
We have both been "dating"... But I know I don't have anyone else, and she appears (theres that word again) to have no other dude in her life.
For the first time today we actually had a calm, productive talk about our relationship. You have to understand this is huge because every time I tried to talk to her about "us" for the past 3 months she just got really, really angry.
So today... No blaming, no anger... Just a talk. What went wrong, how it went wrong kinda stuff.
We talked about how we were each just taking time here alone now to work on ourselves, after having such an affect on each other in the horrible relationship we developed.
We both agreed that our marriage is over. At one point she said "I feel like I'm just waiting for you to ask me to come back", to which I replied "I'm not, I don't want you back, our marriage and relationship died, and they aren't coming back" She told me can't trust me with her heart anymore, and I told her I felt the same way after how bad she hurt me when she left.
Then we just talked a little bit more... I asked her if she would be comfortable telling me what the one major gripe she had about me was.
She told me I was selfish. I ignored her and her needs, and she felt terrified to even talk to me because she was scared of my disapproval to everything"
Wow.
Yeah. She's right. I knew it, but to hear her say it just hit me hard.
However... I realized that her main problem with me is totally something I can fix.
So I did the unthinkable, I did what everyone says not to do... I asked her out. I asked her if one day when the warm weather sticks here in chicago if she would like to go to the zoo with me. I've loved the zoo, and really wanted to go, so I just asked. I didn't even think too much about it... Me asking her to go with me just came out.
She said yeah.
So here I am.
Thing to know here too, is that she rarely, if ever at all contacts me, and she doesn't ask me to do things. She still wants a divorce, but has made comments about how we need the divorce to "really start over".
I don't agree with that, but I am not fighting it, either. I am going along with the divorce.
She also stated that she still feels anger towards me, and she doesn't know why. I actually took this as a good thing as she is progressing through the emotions properly.
She has never once said to me that we are done. From the moment she left she has made comments about us working it out, us getting together, us just needing some time and worrying about ourselves or a while.
So, yeah... I'm not worried about being alone, or lonely. I know I will meet someone else and be happy again and all that jazz... This isnt desperation anymore. I'm cool.
I just really feel like me and her have something really special, and I am willing to fight for it.
So... there is no date set for out zoo date... And I don't know what to do now.
Part of me thinks I should just give it a bit... I dunno... A couple weeks, maybe a month and wait for the weather to really warm up and give her some time and space and a call one week to see if she still wants to go...
I don't know. She might be waffling inside and saying something different to you because she is still, admittedly, angry. Move forward on the zoo date at some point, don't file the papers yourself on the divorce, and see what happens.
If you can afford a few sessions, make an appointment for a counselor to address this issues she brought up to you. She will be surprised that you are taking them seriously and take notice. Also, you will find out if her complaints have any validity and what communication skills you can learn to fix them. If you have a few issues to work on, you will be fixing them for either this relationship or your next. Then if a the next wife says the same things and you have worked hard to fix them you will really know it is "her not you."
"She told me I was selfish. I ignored her and her needs, and she felt terrified to even talk to me because she was scared of my disapproval to everything"
My W told me virtually the same thing. I ignored her feelings, I was selfish etc, and all the time she was getting attention all right, by OM. My W still has anger after 16 months, and its because by channeling her anger towards me, especially by playing the blame game, it allows her to tell herself she made the right decision because of all MY inadequacies.
Again, my W said we might get back together one day. Reason being, if it did not work out with OM, I would accept her back with open arms, which I would of at the time. Being used as a safety net is not my idea of a relationship built on respect, and I'm afraid she is not showing you much of that right now.
Knowing what I know now, I would cancel your trip to the zoo and go dark. She has decided she wants out, so let her deal with her issues on her own. I think she accepted your invitation out of guilt, she is 'cake-eating' and loving the attention.
Puppy Dog Tails would be ideal for this situation. I would suggest doing some intel, check her mobile phone, her bills, or the PC. Particularly the history log in Explorer, I found lots of sites that proved my W was having an affair. I am not definitively saying this is the case, but it looks suspicious.
I had fought to save my M, but I was doing it on her terms. Do it on yours, and if it doesn't work out, then at least you can say you gave it your best shot. Personally, I would file for D, it is counter-intuitive and forces the issue, if she wants to fight for the M, then she will want to talk at least.
Good luck.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 04/09/1011:19 AM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
My H said that same thing to me months ago (about wanting to get a divorce so that we could really start over; so he could see what he was really missing (me). he thinks (and well I gave him that impression by acting so needy and pursuing him) that I'd be waiting for him.
He was in fact still communicating with the OW at the time. He was keeping me at bay to see if things would work out with OW. Instead, things ended with the OW (she had another bf at the time) and she then became pregnant by her bf, now fiance. Nice that she is off to have a nice little family life of her own after she ruined mine.
Listen to what these people on here are telling you.
They know their stuff.
Good luck!
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
We are separated completely,. so I can't really snoop. She has said there is no-one else, and I don't know if I believe her or not.
Well, I guess since I don't know what to do, I'm gonna go nothing. I'll go back to being dark and pretend I never asked her to go to the zoo.
I gotta say though, The doom and gloom really depresses me. Part of me wants to be positive about this and think that maybe she actually does want to work things out with me... But nobody seems to think that's possible.
How do I bust my divorce if every time something positive happens, like her wanting to see me, I have to take it as a negative?
I'm not trying to be a jerk, and I do hear where you guys are coming from. I'm just really down this morning.
We are separated completely,. so I can't really snoop. She has said there is no-one else, and I don't know if I believe her or not.
Well, I guess since I don't know what to do, I'm gonna go nothing. I'll go back to being dark and pretend I never asked her to go to the zoo.
I gotta say though, The doom and gloom really depresses me. Part of me wants to be positive about this and think that maybe she actually does want to work things out with me... But nobody seems to think that's possible.
How do I bust my divorce if every time something positive happens, like her wanting to see me, I have to take it as a negative?
I'm not trying to be a jerk, and I do hear where you guys are coming from. I'm just really down this morning.
It's not that it's not possible. It's moreso that you can't really believe what she says. You put the whole zoo thing out there, well, just go about your business doing what you're doing and see if she brings it up to you again.
I know how it feels. You get so hopeful when you actually hear something positive out of their mouths, but remember that they are so screwed up and so confused, that they don't know what they really want.
Hang in there.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
"She told me I was selfish. I ignored her and her needs, and she felt terrified to even talk to me because she was scared of my disapproval to everything"
My W told me virtually the same thing. I ignored her feelings, I was selfish etc, and all the time she was getting attention all right, by OM. My W still has anger after 16 months, and its because by channeling her anger towards me, especially by playing the blame game, it allows her to tell herself she made the right decision because of all MY inadequacies.
Ok guys I'm just offering a different perspective here. Everything the W said I have thought in my sitch. It got to the point where I wouldn't even bring daily stuff up because my H was either upset or rolling his eyes and not involved with me in any intimate way. So no, the W's behavior here isn't admirable at all but I just advise not to dispell what she's saying. The poster said he knows she was right and owns it which is a major thing to own so while I don't condone the actions she took I just want to put out there that it's very possible she does feel that way.
If you feel absent from a spouse, it grows into resentment & that's a fact, Jack. And it goes both ways.
