Faith without works... (my new thread)

[james217]

yay!!!!!!! I have interview with the company tommrrow at 10 a.m. If I pass this step i'm home freeeeeeeeeee. Work is coming soon. I still have an interview thursday with another company as well.

but the temporary agency said the company wants to interview me. I swear if I get this job I will do a summersault. lol

[MrBond]

Dude relax.

First off, your changes are exactly that...short. You haven't had a chance to let them settle and become habit.

Let's face it you are still very new at this. It takes time and patience.

Plus I think you put alot of people off when you just request "vets". Just take a minute to breathe and get out of panic mode.

[james217]

Dude relax.

First off, your changes are exactly that...short. You haven't had a chance to let them settle and become habit.

Let's face it you are still very new at this. It takes time and patience.

Plus I think you put alot of people off when you just request "vets". Just take a minute to breathe and get out of panic mode.

man i don't care who replies. whoever feels they have kind words or 2 x 4s or advice. or just a message. it doesn't matter.

yes i'm new. each day i'm learning.

Alot of the issues were health related now that I feel healthy I feel alot stronger and better. The IC is helping me.

Just gotta see this cornea specialist on Friday.

I dont feel as angry or upset or desperate. those feelings come. ill post here and go take a walk or read or pray or try to do something to make those feelings leave.

I"m really really working hard. If you saw me a few weeks ago? man i was a mess. I'm sorting through it though.

Im coming out of the depression i'm in. I mean just me going out in public was a big step for me. I feel more confident. I feel like I can do this.

[james217]

You are still riding all your happiness on your W. Quite honestly, you seem to blame everybody for everything (custody, lost paperwork and so on).

.

one thing I would like to stte. Her sister is a major major "A" hole. She was on sick leave from the job (had alot of time) and they knew about her condition.

Her sister signed for the paperwork and said nothing. No other paperwork was sent because it was signed for. The state thought she received it even though the mail was supposed to come to my parents address.

Her sister contacted us about some of the furniture we left at our old townehome but said nothing about it. When WAW went to get her last check and check on her pension and benefits for a doctor's appointment she found out she was terminated. Neither one of us had a clue and it's because her sister did not tell her about that paperwork.

She simply had to fill it out and provide them with medical records and she'd still be there.

It really disappointed me that somebody could do that but it was the same thing when SD8 and waw nieces went to the same school and SIL was supposed to bring her home from school.

That stopped happening too. *shrugs* I don't know why people act that way.

[CityGirl]

James...

Puppy, Rob, SM and Mr. Bond have posted to you several times. You chose not to take the advice and engage on the path they were trying to place you on.

What more do you want?

Each day it is something new and you *might* go dark then the texting and calling start and the same cycles of drama repeat.

New clothes, job interviews, rest, walking, sleeping and eating well are important at first. They are "quick fix" vehicles to really start doing the work.

In less than 2 months there has been:

multiple affairs
STD's
disability funds issues
money issues
paperwork issues
health issues
HUGE custody issues
living with your ill parents who seem to have a fragile marriage
school issues for you
no employment
legal issues as best as I can tell

how in the WORLD do you think all that will even begin to get sorted out in 6 weeks time?

Detach, go dark, stop all these R talks, stop "selling" your changes and do something different.

You don't like the advice and ramble to counter it. I am not sure what else to say.

[james217]

James...

Puppy, Rob, SM and Mr. Bond have posted to you several times. You chose not to take the advice and engage on the path they were trying to place you on.

What more do you want?

Each day it is something new and you *might* go dark then the texting and calling start and the same cycles of drama repeat.

New clothes, job interviews, rest, walking, sleeping and eating well are important at first. They are "quick fix" vehicles to really start doing the work.

In less than 2 months there has been:

multiple affairs
STD's
disability funds issues
money issues
paperwork issues
health issues
HUGE custody issues
living with your ill parents who seem to have a fragile marriage
school issues for you
no employment
legal issues as best as I can tell

how in the WORLD do you think all that will even begin to get sorted out in 6 weeks time?

Detach, go dark, stop all these R talks, stop "selling" your changes and do something different.

You don't like the advice and ramble to counter it. I am not sure what else to say.

I don't think i've done a good job at explaining things.

I never said it would be sorted out in six weeks. I'm not selling any freaking changes. I compliment her she compliments me. If she brings up something I"m doing different then fine. If she doesn't? Fine. I believe the person I used to be is coming back around. Before all this happened I was strong healthy etc etc. I wasn't a bad husband before all of this crap happened. I was taking care of business. I managed to run our business, go to school, take care of the kids etc etc. Business got slow, WAW lost job. I got sick. she got sick and issues with sd8 came up and here we are.

The major obstacles for my health are getting fixed. I know how to deal with the diabetes. Hence no more seizures (ill go to neurologist just to make sure i don't have epilepsy) major emotional outburts (which is why i'm not in school) or losing my temper. No more suicidal thoughts (although due to the diabetes and it being untreated from what doctor told me). If I have the cornea transplant, it’s pretty much day surgery and then 3 to 6 months recovery with an eye patch. The left eye has been corrected with a rigid gas permeable contact lens. I’ve been trying to get these things resolved for about 3 years and I’m finally finally finally seeing progress with that.

Ill continue to go to the IC and attend the anger management because it's beneficial and helping as well.

The paperwork for the job occured last may. The reason it's an issue is because of what is in the system (which probably cost WAW her new job which was to start monday) she knew for about 2 months she had the position. Now she's looking for something else.

My parents have been married for over 35 years. They argue just like others but there's never been an affair any violence any of that. I just dont like being here because of moms pace maker (she's back at work) and because both of them are in their mid 60s and dad is not a spring chicken anymore. What works for them won't work for me and my WAW though. It doesn't even work for me. I can't take the argueing they do sometimes. Or the overanalyzing. I do it too. Heck ive probably done it on here. It's habits i'm trying to break. I realize it. I realize that I don't like it and she doesn't either so I don't do it.

The only thing legal was a false charge against me. It's been overturned. Took me a long long time to clear my name. But I got exonerated for it 7 FREAKING YEARS AGO. I have no record. I can vote. I can own a handgun I can do anything anyone else can. But due to inaccurate information from some crooked background check companies from time to time people find out. Then I have to show the document from the judge clearing my name. But it was brought up in the cps case. For whatever reason the caseworker decided to stick it in there KNOWING IT WAS INACCURATE. The paternal grandmother saw it and not knowing or asking me what the deal is assumed all of this nonsense.

WAW has had ONE AFFAIR. She's had a few EAS with some guys. I have proof trust I know for sure. The STD bothers me. But I’m over it. It made me not ML to WAW but I’m dealing with it in counseling.

School is an issue. I'll find a way though. Ill just go to a different school or go online. I can use my blind waiver (letting me go to any college for free) somewhere else. I just don't want to lose my credits. It'll take longer but it's ok

Disability funds? Yep an issue. But I got a lawyer to handle that now. Just gotta wait for the hearing. Could be assigned in a month or a year from now so i'll work and go to school. Before I filled out the paperwork and got the standard denial. My state is ONE OF THE ABSOLUTE WORST AT APPROVING DISABILITY BENEFITS. So I’ll let lawyer handle it from here on out.

Money was NOT an issue til WAW started depleting life savings and living this ridiculous life blowing money. But I manage by trying to bring in a few clients for the business I run and wife is co-owner of.

She makes almost as much on her unemployment as she did at her state job. We had more than enough in life savings to sustain us for the next YEAR. She should NOT be struggling. It’s the freaking dumb lifestyle she all of a sudden is trying to have to compete with her sister who can only afford it because she lives at home with MIL and spends ridiculous amounts of money on those types of things.

Yep when I look up and reread some of this stuff I have not explained it well or with time frames. I'm really sorry for that.

MOST OF THE ISSUES WITH SD8 came about early last march. She's been in counseling as has S10 AND S3. She was to reside with paternal grandmother UNTIL waw and I got everything situation. We are already in IC sessions.

We completed our parenting classes. We were supposed to attend couples counseling (never went)

We had neurological and psychiatric evaluations too. Both came back positive.

We were on the verge of getting SD8 back bcause WAW was on the verge of getting a job. She actually had it. But over the past month she sat around and messed around and they finally filled the slot doing all of the EAs and then the one PA.

SO THEN SHE GOES T O see sd8 and signs over the rights BACK WHEN ALL OF THIS HAPPENED ON march 2nd. she did that MARCH 5TH. she's just now telling me about it. She allowed the paternal grandmother to dupe her and I think she regrets it due to her crying but needs counseling because she feels like she’s an awful mother due to having to let SD8 go with paternal grandmother in first place having epilepsy and what has been stated by paternal grandmother and SD8 (due to conversations she’s heard paternal grandmother state).

Until she decides to go to counseling? A lot of things will not be resolved. I’m going and dealing with my issues. I have been in counseling since November. But since the cps case is nearing the end I’m now going to ANOTHER IC through the division of blind services and state paid for.

I do NOT want to go dark. I do feel as though her opening up telling me these things and us interacting together without all of the craziness is POSITIVE. There was none of that over a month ago. I give her space. If she calls to talk and brings up the r I answer and keep it brief. I have not asked her to come home. She brought it up. Mainly we’ve been talking about custody case, financial things, job searches, and each others health since we are both each others emergency contacts. A lot of the time we joke and just have fun.

We have had a few dates. So now I should go dark after her opening up to me?

My IC has made a lot of suggestions over the past few weeks. I started seeing instant changes in WAW. I get different reactions. I have started not bringing up our past. If I do I do it in a different way that’s less condescending and attacking and bringing it up is rare.

At least she’s talking. Before she even left we’d sit there in silence. She would not tell me what is going on. If I go dark she will stop telling me things and confiding so I can have an idea of how she feels. So what is ANOTHER SUGGESTION? My M has fallen apart I know. But I see little baby steps. I see me 180ing and she responding. I see her showing more passion towards me over the past month than she has in probably the last 3 months. She’s been more open and honest with me the past month than she has the past 3 months.

She admitted she lost her way and got caught up in temptation and lust and freedom. She’s no longer doing that.

I see her pursueing me. I see her being more open. I see her being more affectionate. I see her looking at me with desire. Yes they are surface things. But until you scratch the surface you can’t polish the diamond or even get the junk hidden underneath. Maybe I can show her through actions to go to counseling. If she sees enough changes in me she can go too.

I see her really hurting and missing me. She just told me that. She stated she’s over MIL house and spending time with family. That she’s ok. That she misses me and hopes I’m feeling better and get the job tomorrow.

BUT MY HAPPINESS IS COMING FROM ME. A small percentage is her. But I’m happy that I’m GETTING HEALTHY AND FINDING OUT WHAT’S GOING ON HEALTHWISE. I’M HAPPY THAT I MIGHT HAVE THIS JOB TOMMORROW. I’M HAPPY THAT I’VE SET A FEW GOALS AND I’M ACCOMPLISHING THEM. I’M HAPPY THAT I FEEL LIKE I CAN SET MORE GOALS AND REACH THEM. I’M LEARNING HOW TO DO A LOT OF THINGS WITHOUT HER BEING BY MY SIDE. SO I’VE ALREADY SOMEWHAT STARTED TO DETACH. SHE WENT TO COURT WITH ME CAUSE SHE WANTED TO. SHE ASKED ME TO GO BUT IF SHE DIDN’T GO I WAS PREPARED TO GO ALONE. IT ACTUALLY SHOCKED ME THAT SHE ASKED. IT SHOCKS ME THAT SHE WANTS MORE DATES. THAT SHE WANTS TO HAVE MORE FUN. THAT’S A 180. AND IT’S DUE TO JUST THE SMALL CHANGES SHE HAS SEEN THROUGH US TALKING AND IN PERSON. SHE SETS THE BAIT TO ARGUE I DON’T DO IT ANYMORE.

I LIMIT MY TEXTING. I LIMIT THE CALLS. I LIMIT ALL THAT STUFF. SOMETIMES I WONDER IF I SHOULD GO DARK. BUT I THINK I MAY BE DOING ENOUGH TO DBING AND STUFF FROM THERAPY TO SEE IF THIS CHANGES. ILL GIVE IT ANOTHER WEEK TO SEE IF WE CONTINUE TO HAVE POSITIVE ENCOUNTERS. WE HAVE HAD DISCUSSIONS BUT NOT BLOW OUTS AND SCREAMING MATCHES AND ARGUMENTS. I MAKE NOTES OF THE CONVOS AND INTERACTIONS. THIS IS REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME.

I REALLY THINK A LOT OF ME AND WAW ISSUES CAN BE HANDLED EASILY. BUT I DO THINK IT’S GOING TO TAKE A LOT OF HARD WORK, PATIENCE, AND UNDERSTANDING. I SEE HER NOT YELLING. I SEE HER NOT GETTING UPSET IF SHE ASKS ME A QUESTION AND MY ANSWER IS HONEST. I SEE HER BEING DRAWN TO ME. SO HOW ARE THOSE NOT PLUSES?

Instead of just picking apart the bad in this sitch DOES ANYONE SEE ANYTHING POSITIVE? It seems like that’s all anyone is looking at. PLUS THERE’S A HIGHER POWER AT WORK. A MAN WHO CAN RESTORE REPAIR REBUILT RECONSTRUCT AND I BELIEVE IN THAT TOO.

[james217]

I agree. This is where we were. This is what turned us around. When I FINALLY detached and actually didn't care anymore. And was okay with the situation and was done with the crap is when H got really really really scared!

He began thinking..."wait a minute, maybe this isn't what I want. All along I have made the decisions and was able to come and go as I pleased and could come home at any time and she would be there waiting for me....but now....(this is when I finally detached) I don't have the choice, I may have lost her for good, I'm not in the driver seat anymore, and if this is a possibility that I have lost her than its not what I want"

And he came home...

Its not turning into the WAS, its detaching and turning into the WAS comes naturally.

hmmmmm. interesting. I'll talk to IC about this reread what PDT, ROB, CG AND EVERYONE ELSE HAS SAID AS WELL.

[james217]

i think one of the main things that WAW is seeing is seeing me get it together. She sees me not waiting for every freaking call. She sees me not texting all the freaking time. She even sees other women staring at me when we're together. (she commented about that the other day)

I think she expeted me to fall apart without her. I did for about 3 weeks.

Now i'm doing things to get MY LIFE ON TRACK. If she's here I have to do it. if she's not here I still have to do it.

The other day at the HOTEL when I was about to walk out I actually saw fear in her eyes and HEARD IT IN HER VOICE.

I'm keeping pushing. I'm still 50/50 on this darkness thing. I thought my 180s were getting posotive results lately. Maybe Ill reread my db/dr books tonight to get more clairty on alot of stuff.

The thing is I'M STILL NEW and people expect me just to understand all of this stuff overnight. It wasn't easy for any of you guys so why should it be for me?

[Kelly23]

James....Dude...take a chill pill!!!

You are stressing me out just from your posts. If you ramble like this in person, how in the world could your WAW deal with you? I am not trying to be mean but am going to probably upset you......

1. When an 8 year old misbehaves, there is a reason behind it and signing her over the CPS is not going to accomplish anything but more acting out. If you are as educated as you say you are, you should know that. If your mother was previously a social worker, she should have told you that. That mistake will cost you for a long time.
2. If you read your posts, you have a habit of blaming everyone else for everything...your wife spending money is your SILs fault, wife losing job is someone's fault, etc. Sh!t happens to us all. Such is life.
3. Your wife is 31, not 13. How can SD's grandmother trick a grown woman? Is WAW that gullible?
4. Are you going to get a job or go to college? You seem to be changing your mind all the time. You need to set some realistic goals.
5. Where are your S10 and S3? And when you say..WAW went to court with me so my mom did not have to, what did you mean?

[CityGirl]

Why are you shouting when you type? Why do you have to say "freakin" to get your point across? Why are you so defensive when you hear things you do not like?

Over the course of a few weeks you talked about suicide, leaving your parents home in the middle of the night and moving to a shelter THEN the next day you were okay THEN you were for sure going dark, then gray, now we are nuts to even suggest such a thing and the cycle continues.

Yes, you and your WAW seem to blame an awful lot on other people. If your W knew paperwork was coming and she had not received it for TWO months and her income/medical insurance was riding on the paperwork why didn't she follow up with the person who sent it? It's not your SIL's fault, it's your W fault for not taking care of her own business and being diligent.

You are all over the map and until you are ready to stop reeling and running in circles nothing will change. Since you asked, no, I see nothing positive with what is going on. It's drama and surface changes/gestures. It may not always be that way but for now it is IMO.