5 weeks left to DB - need help with my plan

[Piano]

I’ve moved into newcomers from Infidelity in the hope I’ll get more advice. My old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1954556#Post1954556

Baby #1 arrives in 5 weeks time.

Please can I reassure you all: baby is my priority, we are both healthy, I am strong, and I am going to be a great mum.

But before the baby arrives, I want to give this DB’ing the best shot I can.

And I need your help to achieve that.


Quick recap and sitch today:
-WAH has told me to move on. M is over. Nothing I can do to change his mind. Has given no reasons for his unhappiness prior to Bomb - revelation of PA and “ILYBINILWY”. Says he has “given his heart” to OW.
-Current Status of PA unknown (he last said ‘there is no relationship’, then when pressed for detail: “none of my business”). OW lives in Europe.
-PA was widely exposed early on.
-I did everything wrong in first few months and pushed him away. I was even hysterical on one occasion when I realised he was lying about PA being over. Said he was scared of me.
-NC for 5 weeks after that. Email contact only now. Civil.
-WAH lives at a friend’s place and his plan is to “ride out the storm until the baby is born”. After that....?
- WAH wants to go back to Europe to live. When...?
- WAH wants to be the “father” of the baby. “I love this baby already and want to be its father”. Unable to articulate in practical terms what that means. Though assures 100% financial support. Btw, his father left just after his birth and he only met him a couple of times.
-WAH hopes to be ‘best friends’ with me until the day we die.
-WAH has isolated himself. This is also taking place 10,000kms away from his core friendship and family relationships. No-one is challenging him – many just keeping away.
-I think he has had a sort of breakdown due to numerous major life changes (on job front – now unemployed, health, moving countries, becoming a Dad..the list goes on) and he complicated it by having a PA with family friend.
- Told me he is going to stop seeing his IC cos "he doesn't really need him anymore".

I think WAH pressed the self-destruct button on our M and Fatherhood, and has opted for an easy exit down the path of being “in love” and no responsibility.

Now I need strong advice on how to handle the following wishes and a way to proceed... I feel on such unsure footing with him, especially with regards to whether or not he'll be in the country to father, let alone what all this means for our M:

-WAH has emailed and said “He wants to help me in the final weeks of my pregnancy but is afraid of acrimony and more hurt for both of us”. I replied that the way he can help me is to meet with a parenting therapist to talk about how he can find a way to effectively parent.
- Sent him that accidental email (remember Puppy, R2C?!) and need to follow up with a “I wasn’t joking – please collect your belongings by ....” sort of email.
- His younger brother is arriving from Europe next week and is staying with me (WAH has no accommodation & bro no money). I am close to younger bro but need to set boundaries. Also don’t know how to remain mysterious and go DIM if younger bro is able to 'report' on me (unintentionally).
Too late to tell him not to come and stay.
-Have redirected my Maternity pay to a personal account. WAH agreed it was a good idea. I am wondering when and how to tackle splitting the rest of our accounts, but not splitting the apartment. I am giving birth soon and a move is not practical for many months.
- I desperately want to tell him I cannot be friends, let alone best friends with him after the destruction he has brought on me and his unborn child. I feel like I will never live with myself If I don’t say this.
- I also want to send him a LET HIM GO Robx-style letter.

I know I need to let him go... no point resisting.... But my plan is all a'jumble.

Thank you for helping me to work out some sort of plan & timeline...

[gatsby11]

Awesome recap. Very clear.

My only thoughts: boundaries are tricky with the WH family. I don't know if I'm doing well with that or not. But as a general rule, don't share as opposed to sharing. Talk about other things.

My only other thought is I don't know how bad it is for the younger bro to be able to 'report' on you. It would only matter if WH asks, and if he does, that's a good thing. Without even coming straight out and saying "don't talk about me," I think if you don't talk about WH in front of the bro, it would be implied.

Oh, I guess I have one more. My WH isn't going to be at my birth at all, and I'm actually relieved. I went to my first birthing class yesterday and I felt a sort of freedom not having to worry about what he thinks and his fears. Even if- miraculously- he wanted to be there, I'd say no. For me, it's liberating. Not sure how it might be for you.

Thinking about ya! Bye!

[Allen A]

OK, I am going to assume OW isnt' married here.

It sounds like he has to give up a LOT to move to Europe (friends and family?), not just you if I am right?

His claims are all over the map. I would focus more on what he's DONE.

Has he put any money away for child support?
Has he tried to educate himself at all about parenting?
Has he done any work to support you through pregnancy?

I am looking for visible actions that might indicate that he may just be spewing here... He sounds like he's giving up a LOT... a LOT for one fantasy woman here...

He hasn't moved there with her yet.. why not?

I think at this point a hard and fast pressure on him AND you finding a support team to REPLACE him so he isn't needed is a good hit to him.

He seems to get a fix from feeling needed and a provider here.. eh wants to be that providing father.. so, I say have a good friend offer to do all teh work and just tell him you don't need him.

I don't know what the laws are in your area, but you may want to find otu what the rules are surroundign child support and visitation so you know how FAR you CAN push.

If he's not bringing in any money and a court in your area would tell you that you have 100% authority until he starts paying support then I say push him out.

If you think he IS sincere about being a parent and you can use that as leverage then take it away until he plays ball.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I am all for parents seeing their kids, but I also believe children should be protected from destructive behaviuor. My position woudl be, if I could back this up legally would be that until he starts acting like a husband, he can just go to Europe and you and your BFF here can handle it all on your own.

If there is a LOT of pressure for him to stay in the country and NOT go to Europe, then I say put all your cards in and tell him to go. If he says he's gonna be a father tell him you DON'T SEE ONE right now...

Good Father's are Good HUSBANDS. He's ALREADY CHEATING on his child's MOTHER and his child isnt' even BORN YET.

I suspect he is gung ho about being a great dad, tell him he's already a TERRIBLE one and turf him out the door.

I would need to read more carefully, but I did want to toss my first impressions out to you. These are only first impressions until I get to read more.

I think shaming him as a bad father may wake him up a bit. And replacing him with a good friend to support your pregnancy and everything will give him an additional kick in the nuts that he needs to get out of the fog.

Its an experiment, but right now he's really pushing you to have to go here I think.

[Piano]

G & Allen, thanks very very much for stopping by.

Allen-

OK, I am going to assume OW isnt' married here.

OW not married. 10yrs younger than me. Says he was infatuated with her a long time before PA started. PA started 2-3 weeks after I left Europe (I had to return 3months ahead for work reasons. I was 8 weeks pregnant). OW has strong history of chosing 'impossible' men, or men who are going to leave her.

It sounds like he has to give up a LOT to move to Europe (friends and family?), not just you if I am right?

Not really. He's European. Has great friends there, plus his family. If he leaves here however, he will be leaving me, his baby, and equivalent friends and family on my side whom he was close to. We always said if it didn't work out here, we'd go back to Europe. I think it hit him at the end that he didn't want to leave Europe one more time. He just didn't hear himself/couldn't express it.

His claims are all over the map. I would focus more on what he's DONE.
Has he put any money away for child support?
Has he tried to educate himself at all about parenting?
Has he done any work to support you through pregnancy?

Official child support as such - NO. But he's unemployed right now, so he can't do anything for the moment. Has said adamantly "Know I will support our child financially for the rest of my life". I believe him.

Parenting education - Not a thing. Attended one birth class at my request for my sake.

Hasn't supported me in any way during the pregancy (except long-distance emotional support on the phone when we were separated and I waited 3 months for his return here). Since he arrived in the country, virtually nothing. He's been in hiding. Doesn't want to give me hope for our M, perhaps?

He hasn't moved there with her yet.. why not?

After he dropped the bomb on arrival at Xmas, I said many times early in the piece "if you love her so much, why are you here? Go back to her and test your love if it's so real and important to you". He refused. I think because of the baby (he's well aware all eyes are on him to repeat what his father did to him, and doesn't want the associated guilt. But seems to have no plan - articulated anyway - beyond that).
Also she is sort of a distant cousin, a close family friend. I think he'd have to wait a time for their affair to become socially acceptable. It's possible she'll come out here for a time- I just don't know.

I think at this point a hard and fast pressure on him AND you finding a support team to REPLACE him so he isn't needed is a good hit to him.

Done. I have my parents and have hired a midwife. I am lucky I have support.
How do I put pressure on him?

He seems to get a fix from feeling needed and a provider here.. eh wants to be that providing father.. so, I say have a good friend offer to do all teh work and just tell him you don't need him.

Yes, I think he wants to feel noble in some way that he hasn't abandoned us. Even if he has. He knows my mum and midwife are replacing him. Doesn't seem bothered?!
It's so shocking to me. He's an ALIEN!

I don't know what the laws are in your area, but you may want to find otu what the rules are surroundign child support and visitation so you know how FAR you CAN push..

He only has to pay child support if he finds employment. visitiation is based on the baby and mothers needs. I have seen a lawyer about it. basically he has to fit in with me. I haven't told him any of this. Nor about the L.

If you think he IS sincere about being a parent and you can use that as leverage then take it away until he plays ball.

I think he's sincere in that unconsciously/consciously he is driven to not repeat what his Dad did. And he DID want this child.

Ok, but what do we define as 'playing ball' here?

I agree with everything you said about shaming him on the father point - it's clearly his biggest point of suffering (dating back to childhood- been running from it all his life).

But just this minute I got an email from him which said he would agree to talk to a counselor about effective parenting. It would be a solo thing.

Do I now tell him I don't want him to do that??

[Piano]

WAH just emailed again. Long update about his various job searches. This is ALL he talks to me about. He says he wants to speak to the counselor but it's a bit of a hassle (since it's an overseas call from his friends house).

I CAN'T believe how NOT seriously he takes me! What? One phone call, a hassle???

I really need to draft an email that tells him all the things I need to tell him, then I want to get his stuff out of my parents garage, then I want to cut our finances, and go completely dark on him.

My self esteem is going down the tubes at a fast rate and I need to restore some honour.

Also DB coach (i have had 3 seesions) says I should validate him wanting to be a father - using the language that he uses.

So in my last email to him I said "I truly believe you want to be a father and love this child already" and he has replied "Thank you for acknowledging my love for our child to come ...." .Grrr & barf

Then he wraps up by his usual "I hope you feel well, peaceful and strong for the next stage of the pregnancy..".

I can't do this anymore... I am so angry... He "hopes" I am WELL, PEACEFUL and STRONG? It's so insulting after what he has done/is doing to me.

[rr22]

Piano: Then he wraps up by his usual "I hope you feel well, peaceful and strong for the next stage of the pregnancy..".

I can't do this anymore... I am so angry... He "hopes" I am WELL, PEACEFUL and STRONG? It's so insulting after what he has done/is doing to me.



Who WOULDN"T be angry? He's bombing you when you are most vulnerable and then going around portraying himself as "the good guy"? What a messed up person and a hypocrite.

Hope you find some peace this week.

[Piano]

It's really bizarre. His emails are full to the brim with reassurances that he will be there financially to support us - like as if I am very stressed about money. I'm stressed sure, but what's REALLY stressing me is what he has done to me and our unborn child - having an affair, leaving us, refusing to work on the M or even tell me what got us here (his IC also told him to not bother telling me???), then planning to go live on the other side of the world leaving me a single mother!
It's like he cannot face the emotional/psychological impact of his poor decisions at all!

[Piano]

Thankyou rr22. You are spot on. He has people convinced that he just , you know, fell out of love with me, fell in love with goldilocks, and that it's better for me and the baby and everyone all round that he jumps ship now rather than further down the track when it would only be worse... And people BUY this crap! I think he also believes his own garbage.

You know, I don't think he is "evil". I think he is just one messed up wounded creature...doing really really bad things.

[Piano]

I don't know if all this has come about because of:

1. the OW (can't be sure if she's still on the scene though)

or

2. he is pathalogically, unconsciously being driven by his fear of becoming a father and having a family (no doubts about this).

or

3. He is grossly immature and doesn't want the responsbility required of parenthood -except for being Mr Bank! (probably this also)

[rr22]

Piano: (his IC also told him to not bother telling me???)


He is not a robot or slave to his IC. He is blaming his lack of disclosure on his IC. What man lets his employee (which is what an IC is, a contract employee) TELL him what to do in his personal life. Please. He is free to open his mouth to give you at least the dignity of an explanation.