MLC Saga, contd...

[elfie]

This is the first time I am posting, but I have been a frequent visitor here over the past year reading and learning from other people's stories which sound so much like my sitch. Well, to make a long story short, my H left about a year ago while I was away on a trip and without having given me any hints for such an action before. Needless to say I was totally shocked and devastated and for days afterwards I was in non-operating mode. I did go to IC though which helped me in acknowledging my anger and therefore to recover my strength to at least start functioning in my daily activities. My H had left me a long note explaining his reasons for leaving which of course were all about my faults in the M, that he could see no hope, that he had been feeling like this for at least 10 years, and so on. He said he always loved me and he still does but he just can't live with me anymore and that he will always be there for me if I needed him. I soon discovered this site and I realized that he sounded like a textbook case of MLC and that gave me comfort to at least not feel alone in this misery. Not for too long though, since a couple weeks later I get bomb #2. I find out from a reliable source that H was on a trip with OW who happened to be a "friend" of mine. That really did it for me. Appalled, I confronted both of them, she admitted it but he denied it. After I got more detailed info about her I confronted him and laid it on him and he seemed to be shaken and ashamed at the same time and it was then that he said to me that his leaving was temporary and that he just needed time to heal. The summer was spent with its ups and downs while our S20 and D17 were staying with me and H still living not far from us in his aptmt. There was a lot of anger in both of us which could not be controlled especially each time there was any mention of OW on my part. I needed some explanation but he would get so upset that there was complete breakdown of communication. H was saying that if I wanted to have any hope about us getting together again, I should stop mentioning OW. He would become enraged each time I even hinted on that. Easier said than done, since unfortunately, even when I tried, I was constantly reminded of her since I had the pleasure of seeing her at my place of work. She has been acting "happy-go-lucky" about all this and my feeling of disgust was intensified. I got both DB and DR, been reading from all sources, but I never managed to control my anger when it comes to OW. After the confrontation, H did show effort for "reconciliation" went to MC together a few times to 2 different Cs. The second one thought we should do IC first since we were both very angry. H felt that I needed IC in order to get over the OW issue and he said that he would also go in the fall. Neither of us did. After our children left for school in the fall, H was still friendly with me as long as discussion was around "safe" topics. I felt that if I wanted to have him around I needed to act like I had a "lobotomy", and that, accompanied with the fact that I was seeing the OW at work, made me very upset. Well, around November, H started acting distant again and he remained that way on and off through Xmas and afterwards. He would come by of course helping with this and that, but not as often as before. He would show his anger at me for not being able to let go of the OW issue and he would withdraw to his place. At some point I realized that this can't continue and I started to detach. With great effort. I stopped calling him and the first time around, after a week with NC, he called me because he wanted to bring me something that he had fixed for me. The subsequent times didn't go well because I still couldn't bring myself to "act as if", he got angry at me again, and I resolved again in NC. It's been again another week since I last spoke to him and here I am, not knowing how to handle the situation. Sorry for the length of the post...Any input would be appreciated...

[iluvme55]

Dont have much to say, but keep reading, lots of wise people in here...so sorry....I wish I had a magic pill to fix this for us all.....may God richly bless you and give you strength....

[elfie]

What I didn't mention is that this is H's second (more serious) manifestation of crisis, since what I would call the 1st bomb, happened three and a half years ago when he had hooked up with some internet OW and he was entertaining thoughts of leaving. But I managed to reach out to him and we reconciled and I thought that was the end of it. As time went on though the distancing developed again, and here we are now living the nightmare..
H had started showing signs as back as 5 years ago, with the typical behaviors of the denial stage, change of hair, gym enthusiast, interest in appearance, acting like a teenager, etc., which just made the rest of us joke about all this, saying that he is just going through "male menopause" at 54 then.
So, after reading all I could about MLC, I can't say that I know what stage he is in now...it's all very confusing to me. Can anybody help?

[Celestial X 5]

Welcome and I`m sorry your here. You`ve learned to detach, keep it up, it helps. Now the hard part. Try not to bring up ow. I looked at it in the way of why should I bring her up when it`s my time with him. I feel your anger because she was your "friend", and you see her at work.

Is your H still with ow? If not, stop bringing her up. Talk to someone else if you need to, or vent here. If your H is in MLC, she wasn`t anything but a bandaid to cover his pain.

Hang on, you`ll be ok.
Celestial

[Celestial X 5]

Elfie,
My H started on the internet as well. I`m not sure what stage your H is in, but it is MLC. What do you think happened that threw your H into crisis? They fear growing older and think life is passing them by.
Celestial

[elfie]

Celestial,
MLC sounds like such a common "disease" after all...I am so overwhelmed at the number of cases...I am afraid that my H's MLC must have started after his mother's death, with whom he never reconciled (they hadn't spoken to each other for many years), followed by an unexpected minor operation he had to undergo, which brought him face to face with his mortality - since he absolutely hates hospitals,- followed by the "empty nest" syndrome, especially after our son left for college to another country..then my daughter, etc...I remember him becoming very concerned about his thinning hair, his health, my health, etc., as well as preoccupied with how much time he has left for doing the things he had always wanted to do but he never had time for..

[elfie]

Thanks for your wishes IRMAC, we all need God by our side in this, too hard to manage on our own without risking insanity...

[seeking answers]

Hi Elfie, If the ow is still involved with your H, he is in the Replay stage.

[elfie]

This is something I don't know right now, since I maintain NC and trying to detach...H did seem to have been turned off by OW after I found out about A and especially after the details about the A that she proudly had been spreading around...H seemed angry with himself also...But since November when he started distancing again, I don't know what may be going on.. I know that she is a professional liar, she has managed to dupe 2 husbands so far...so I couldn't swear that she hasn't tried to contact him again and make him feel sorry for her again...

[elfie]

Some of the things he has said recently..."It's too late for us.." "I don't feel anything..."I am numb"..."I am burnt"..."I am afraid you will never respect me again"...When I asked him if he knows what he wants, he answered he doesn't know...When I asked if he wants a divorce...he said: "I haven't thought about that"..."If this is what you want, go ahead...I'll be fine with that"...but his eyes were glazed when he said these words...The alien taken over...The problem is that I don't know how long I can take this...that's why I started the NC...to maybe allow him to face his demons without having me in his face...