Divorce has only been final for few weeks. We see each other about 3 days a week, and up to last night I have been able to act together, happy, cordial ect.,ect. But as he quickly made our child "dropoff", and got out the door, I envisioned what he was more than likely hurrying to do, to see a potential GF or a current GF, and I became overwhelmed with sadness and anger. As he does sometimes, he texted me while he was driving away to remind of things I needed to do i.e, work schedules, sons appts ect ect. We tx paged each other a few more times, with me trying hard not to be a smarty pants, trying to avoid an argument with him. There was a couple of hr gap in tx pages. I knew he must be busy with someone. He tx paged me again, when I assume he was on his way home. I think he gives me just enough of himself to keep me hanging, or I am just misleading myself and hoping he wants to keep me hanging.
Nevertheless, this is such a lonely place to be. I am not ready for someone else, not ready to move on yet, and I am grateful for this place to express myself, and read what everyone else is going through and feeling.
I go to the different forums and it really does help keep me hopeful, but I am wondering if anyone thinks that the DB coaches would be helpful to someone already divorced? They were awesome before the divorce, but I had a hard time remaining on tract. They really were encouraging though, and if anyone has a opinion on this I would appreciate it.
It's tough, but I do believe that "going dark" is a good thing to do. It can help you to heal. It might not be easy, but the hits to your self-esteem need not happen when he ignores you and bails as fast as he can. It's also a 180 if you've been hanging on to the situation.
Use this time to work on yourself, evaluate your patterns, and get back on track. It will make you more attractive...but also ready for whatever is next.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Thank you Forward, and you are probably right about going dark. Once he gets his own place to live, he will not have to be at (my) house inorder to keep our son while I work, and going dark will be that much easier. I know he likes to be at the house, and while he is here he does do alot i.e., mow the grass, grocery shop sometimes and if I squinted real hard it would almost be like we were still married. He pays most of the bills, and is actually paying more than the court awarded me. I am sure this is alieviating his guilt, and at the same time he continues to have a relationship with me, however limited.
He is in my life, but I am not in his. Going dark would change that. I need to read some other peoples posts that went dark with children, and see how they did it.
Our child is seeing a counselor about behavior changes from the divorce, and he has let us know that our son will need us to maintain a united front in how we treat him, discipline ect.ect. It is heart breaking to watch what once was a happy go-lucky child have their world turned upside down, and be so young they lack any coping skills.
In spite of how we need to parent, do you think I can still go dark enough? We have to attend one more parent meeting together to help us come up with a plan on how to co-parent. Do you think it would be beneficial to go dark with everything except our son?
Whatever I do, you are right in that my self esteem does not need any more blows, and my focus needs to be on my son and I and on GAL.
I believe you are right about your son and GALing.
There is so much advice out there about what to do. While he is seeing someone else, there isn't much you can do.
for us, I've been dark for a long time. Only because it opens up wounds that are so raw. My wife seems to be doing very well with things.
Unfortunately, it is the kids who have to deal with it. We do nothing as a family anymore. Holidays, special events, are done seperately and alternating.
Do what's best for you and your child. I'm sorry we find ourselves here.
I am sorry we are here too. Thank you for your response, and I agree on there is so much advice that it is hard to know what to do. I tried so many different approaches during the pre-divorce, and would make one step forward, only to find myself three steps back. I have recently been able to detach enough that when he is around I am able to act confident, happy ect ect. I do not linger when he comes over to watch son, and quickly leave. I am cordial, and appreciative of all he does, and he is doing quite a bit. In fact, he came and got my car while I was at work, and had it repaired for me, paid for work, and then brought it back to my parking space at work in time for me to leave. He is obviously consumed with guilt, and I suppose is easing his conscience with acts of service. He is coming over today to complete a project he started on our backyard. I am tempted to tell him no, but instead I will just leave while he is here.
I noticed your post on subject of facebook. Is that encouraging for us who are standing for our marriage? If so, I need to become a part of that.
I remain faithful that God is working in our lifes, and making us into who he wants us to be. And even though it hurts to see our children suffer, I know God is going to lead them to Himself.
yrsofhurt, my heart goes out to you. I assume you wanted him back even after divorce. If so, don't let the word "divorce" trick you into an ultimatum. People remarried the same person all the time. Only death is the ultimatum. Don't focus on him, it will hurt yourself and accomplish nothing. You must completely let go, for now. Detachment is the first step. Don't feel bad to make friends with new guys, a male platonic friend will help you detach much easier. Please do exercise, get in shape, buy the clothes you always like and become attractive again. Don't focus on him; pamper yourself. I know you do not have the mood to do such thing; you have to force yourself.
Healing: You need to talk, and talk a lot with other friends or family members that can empathize. Visiting forum is not enough, you need to talk. If possible, pray with them as well. Talk to God, complain to Him, yell at Him, blame Him, whatever it is: open your heart completely to Him, He don't want a heart with courtesy, He want a heart fully disclosed. Speak out to Him, let yourself cry to Him. Weep before Him. Let Him touch you and heal you, He will but only when you completely opened to Him. You know, He Heal! You must believe. He can do all things but our lack of faith limited Him... don't do that, just believe. After you are healed then you can try to re-build the relationship.
