Depressed H wants to walk

[ReelingW/aSmile]

I am about to write some things that are SO cliche on this board. I don't know why, but I feel that I have to write them anyway. I feel that my M, or R, with H has hit a plateau. I never know what he's thinking, if his mind has been changed about anything, how he feels. Before I found this board, it would have all been maddening!!

Now, the cliches:

I don't know H's every thought, feeling, or inclination because I don't ask. I stopped asking because it was one of the "rules". I have since come to LOVE this rule. Now, I don't ask because my thoughts, feelings and inclinations are my own. They don't depend upon H's. This is revolutionary to me.

A few months ago I walked around in a fog. I was afraid to say or do anything because I was terrified that I would spark the final decision of my H to leave. I have come to realize that I am married, right now. I am not guaranteed any additional days. I will live my life each day with what I have. I was making myself sick worrying about tomorrow. That was just ruining today.

This plateau, treading water, whatever I may call it, it's OK! A few months ago I felt our M was in a free fall. Why wouldn't I welcome sitting on a plateau for a while? Even if I feel we're not getting anywhere at the moment, it doesn't feel like things are getting much worse. I could be wrong, there's no way to know what's going on in H's head. I will keep believing only half of what I see (and none of what I hear-but, remember, I am not asking).

Since I expect nothing of my H right now, everything he does for me is genuinely appreciated. I was taking my M for granted. Now, H gets some honest appreciation for his efforts. I no longer just toss a "thank you" at him. His LL is words of affirmation, so he get's entire sentences when he does something kind for me. I think of how my mother taught me to write Thank You notes. There's a format, not just 2 words. Guess what, he's doing more around here and for me!!

GAL is the most important advice I received. You can look back at my thread. It was the first thing people were telling me to do. I understood it in my head, but in my aching heart I just wanted to hug my children and cry in a corner. I made myself get our there and start doing things for me. I faked it at first. I know I would be crying in a corner still, had I not taken this advice. I wouldn't want to be married to that version of me!

Thanks to FG, I have been working on a smile project. I did not understand this exercise at first, but sometimes you have to trust folks when they are trying to nudge you in the right direction. This has become one of my "fixes" when I am feeling down about myself. My other main fix is cuddling with my kids. If you don't understand how this can work, try it.

I spent my first few weeks of DBing trying to think of 180's. I tortured myself with this because it sounded so good. I planned and faked my way through a few, and it went ok. What I have come to learn is that the really good 180s just happen. They happen because I have worked on myself and I act and react to things differently. A certain look will come across H's face, that will alert me to notice that what just happened was a 180. It will make me stop and think, "yeah, that never would have happened like that before".

I have not saved my M, yet. We still have horribly difficult times here. I guess I just needed to acknowledge how different this is from when I first began.

Thanks!!

[ReelingW/aSmile]

So, how do some of you get your WAS to hear what you actually say and not their warped interpretation of what they think you mean???

My H filters everything through his depressed filter. He twists the meaning of things so that he thinks I am always being critical of him.

I've occasionally stopped him and asked what he thought I said, or what he thought I meant. I have been amazed with his horribly negative responses!

[flowmom]

RWS, your "cliches" are very inspiring . It's great to see your progress and I'm glad you're taking the time to notice it.

RWIW, I have experienced for myself that depression filters all incoming information and distorts it. Depression takes a terrible toll on lives, and especially relationships. There are a LOT of non-pharmaceutical options to treat depression, but depressed people rarely have the will to do them (diet, exercise, etc. etc.). Everyone worries about the side effects of ADs yet few depressed people recognize the terrible side effects of being depressed -- it actually causes long-term changes in the brain. Finally taking an AD has been a very important 180 for me, one that I wish I had done 20 years ago . I've been on both sides of depression-in-a-relationship and I know how hard it is. (((hugs)))

[ReelingW/aSmile]

VENTING!!

I was terrified, then determined, now I seem to be just plain mad. I really hope I am not losing my resolve here. I am tired of all of this!

So H, if you are somehow reading this:

Why are you being so %$^%$*@ selfish? Your 100% happiness is NOT all that matters in this family! If you want to see joy and peace in those around you, how about a little help spreading some joy and peace?

How can you seriously think that if you leave you are "not leaving your children"? Yeah, yeah, you'll "always be there for them", just not here-wonder how they'll interpret it???

We don't do anything together just the two of us, so how can you be so emphatic that we "don't even know how to have fun together"?

You think you are the only one who is relieved when you are at work? HA!

Sorry everyone, it's been one of those days and I am in some kinda mood. I started out sobbing at the breakfast table (I haven't cried in front of H outside of MC in months). I've spent the rest of the day spitting mad that it happened.

I hope you are having a better day.

[dc329]

Wow does this sound familiar too familiar I wonder if there is a book somewhere that men read and learn to dish out this BS. My H is currently getting space and I have to say it is the best sleep I've had in a long time. I am actually enjoying it. Hang in there I am sure there is more crap he will dish out, stay strong