We spent the whole long weekend together and there were no crises, no discussions about R, no grumpiness. We are so good at being nice to each other, we make very good partners. I feel like I just spent a great weekend with my brother! Well, my brother does hug me when he sees me.
I know, it's obnoxious of me to complain about this. One of my "signs" that things were looking up was that H would choose to spend more time with us at home. He is spending much more time with us, and it has been fun. I just miss our romantic and physical relationship so much. I was awake for 2 hours last night in bed next to this man, arguing with myself about whether or not to reach out to him. The fear of rejection and chasing him away finally won out.
We looked ahead at the calendar together and noticed that our anniversary falls on Father's Day this year. How convenient is that?!!? We'll essentially skip our anniversary to allow the kids to shower H will love. Any other year and I would have just planned something romantic for us another day. Now I am more tempted to just let it ride and see if H plans anything. I see this milestone much differently this year, not so much as the birthday of our family, but as a "whew, we made it another year" kinda thing. I am proud for us to make it through this year, proud of H for not jumping ship when he felt so bad and proud of myself for not freaking out to the point of completely driving him away (thanks DB).
RWAS, I'm glad to see that you're still doing the work . I love FG's random smile exercise. It's so powerful because when you live with a depressed H, it can undermine your sense that you can make people feel good and be a positive influence. A depressed spouse becomes a funhouse mirror where the only reflection you see of yourself is a distorted one.
Sorry, but I don't recall if you've discussed LLs in your thread? Do you know yours? Do you know your husband's?
Hang in there!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I really am getting tired of the funhouse mirror. You are right, that is exactly how it seems. I've been working to really GAL and take care of what is really mine to take care of. That has meant that I am also not working so hard to control the R or what H does. I am finding that I have time and energy to spare!
I am also finding that I am getting blamed for a lot of H's mistakes along the way. If he oversleeps, then I must not have tried hard enough to wake him. If he forgets something, then I really should have reminded him. It appears lately that H needs me to function a lot more than I need him. My not pursuing has meant a lot less phone calls from me that were apparently keeping him on track. So, why am I the one that wants him and he doesn't think he wants me?
H is pretty solid in the Words of Affirmation camp. After reading about the 5LL, I really understood H's tendency to ask my "why?" whenever we were in an intimate discussion and I told him ILY. It always seemed like the weirdest question to me, especially because he asked it repeatedly.
My LL is more Acts of Service. I commonly respond when my friends are in need by cooking, babysitting, running errands etc. Gifts is most likely a close second. Not expensive or big gifts, just little tokens mean the world to me.
I am a glutton for punishment! I know better, but I keep slipping and doing the dumbest things!!!! I can go along GAL, Acting as if, etc. Things will be better. Then, it's as if my brain has been abducted by aliens and my emotions take over. Suddenly, I realize I have just pursued my H. I get rejected. Same song, third verse....
Well, at least instead of falling into a puddle of tears, I now find myself retreating to bang my head on the wall. Persistence and patience......not my best skills right now.
S8 wrote a story and one of the chapters began "Mean while", I read it 3 times and saw "Mean Wife". He had left out the h, but he had to read the whole thing to me before I realized he hadn't written about a mean wife. I am losing my mind.
S5 walked in to see me in the middle of a workout video and exclaimed, "Mommy, I didn't know you were in Jedi training!"
I have been away for a while, a vacation and lots of summer guests. I wish I had the ability to get on here at work like I know some of you can. Things aren't much different with H, but at least don't seem any worse.
The Good: GAL-I have started taking a Zumba class! I know, I thought about Yoga to relax more, but Zumba is so much fun!
I have also started going with some of the ladies from work to happy hour one Friday a month. I haven't asked H to help coordinate any of this. No, "I would like to...." Just "I am going ....." I have just told him when I needed to be away and that if he can't be home for the boys to let me know so I can find someone to watch them. It's not hard. Why wasn't I doing any of this before????
I am much more joyful. Those smiles I have been giving away are so contagious. A lady at the grocery last week gushed over a skirt I was wearing, she made me feel great so I stopped and thanked her for taking the time to compliment me. I told her it was a gift she gave me. She walked away with the biggest smile I have given away so far!! So, I feel better, even though H has not changed his tune, yet.
H did take me out to dinner for our Anniversary. It was his idea and he even arranged for his mother to babysit. We had a fun Mexican meal and watched some World Cup on a huge TV. I grew up playing soccer but H had never seen a game until we started dating and he came to a few of my rec team games. He's never been into it, so I was really surprised when he asked to sit where we could watch (which put us both on the same side of a booth).
H is still living here, still sleeping in the our bed.
The Bad: I am still struggling with the loss of our physical relationship. It's really hard!! It was fantastic for him to acknowledge our Anniversary, but he didn't so much as reach out to hold my hand the entire evening.
H is still sneaking cigarettes. :-(
I still cry through almost all of our MC sessions.
Now, I am off to try to catch up on what has been going on with some of you!
Reeling, so sorry about the "bad" of your anniversary dinner. It hurts, I know. I can't begin to understand the Jekyll-Hyde behavior of WAS -- I've just come to expect it after being on this board for a few months now.
Actually, at this point, I guess I've come to the point where I expect NOTHING of WAH ... and that's pretty much what I've been getting lately. No texts, emails or any of the other stuff he used to send regularly, even after the bomb. Just have to keep telling myself (and telling yourself), "It's his problem, not mine."
Thanks SS, I appreciate your feedback. I know I am being tested regularly around here.
Last night things did not go as expected on an outing but I remained cheerful. It's my new "go with the flow" self. H was thrown off by my positive mood, so he prodded me by saying "I know you must be disappointed that our plans fell through". I was quick to let him know that I was not at all disappointed, we had a good night all together, even if it was off plan. Nothing wrong with that!
Good for you Reeling, glad to hear it! I'm doing my best too to stay cheerful in our encounters, avoid any R talk, have fun with my kids and stay dark as much as possible. Not sure if it's making any difference in H's feelings, but it's good for me.
. I love FG's random smile exercise. It's so powerful because when you live with a depressed H, it can undermine your sense that you can make people feel good and be a positive influence. A depressed spouse becomes a funhouse mirror where the only reflection you see of yourself is a distorted one.