Read your chapter...and I think there is more than just high/low desire between couples. I think my H has been acting celibate off and on for about 6 years out of a 12 yr marriage as a long term control issue with me....and H was surprised when I backed off on pursuing him. (I work with a lot of clients in crisis and realize you have to wait until client is ready to go forward).
With no kids and a hysterectomy..... blaming kids is no excuse... something is wrong in this relationship/ marriage. Getting married in mid 30's didn't seem to help making better a better marriage...maybe H & I should have dated a lot more people before deciding on one another. I was raised Catholic and know that love can wane and grow...and look at the long term life together.
I am beginning to wonder if husband has stayed with me since he could get away with no sex (due to my dramatic weight gain after hysterectomy early on in marriage)...and he has gained 30 lbs himself. Relationship seems more platonic to H....someone to go to movies with and out for a meal at this time. H is like Peter Pan and I am a grown up Wendy now accepting of growing older...while my H wants to keep getting younger.
I HAD IT...last fall....downstairs/upstairs roommates that don't seem to talk or like or know each other any more. Husband recently blames me that he moved upstairs due to my weight and snoring...although he only told me that he was having problems sleeping (light sleeper). H cut me out of outings with neighbor couple for last 9 months...didn't even invite me most of the time.
Being 48, I still have time and desires for a kindred spirit...sexually and emotionally. I miss the cuddling, holding hands, spoon sleeping in bed together besides sex. We have an ideal love nest.... out in country with no close neighbors so could do anything inside or outside we want. Jacuzzi in barn.... with suits optional..... but we are NOT having sex! H is in living in town for 3 months and seems to like being close to activities there... although he was raised on a farmette... and loves being a nature boy... so maybe I am overwhelming him.
I do think my H work burnout, depression, and MLC (while working with lots of 30 yr old women) combined are causing this long term funk.
We have not taken a LONG vacation together since 1998... when we spent 2 weeks around AZ.... hiking, exploring, staying in different motels. H especially enjoys camping and getting romantic there.... but no camping in last 4 years either. I wish H could take at least 2 week vacation and spend time together like a 2nd honeymoon.... but he would need to take the time off... and has been more interested in an occasional day here and there for what he wants to do (airplane lessons and fly ins).
My life will go on and is evolving without him since I officially got legal separation 12/24 since H is not keeping verbal financial agreements... and is hinting about larger apartment and car soon. I am hoping that he will get out of this funk he's in.... if ever.
The MLC board and the 6 stages string has helped put things into perspective for me. I can't see sex with H until we are back to being friends and reconnecting. We were doing impromptu dates since physical separation last fall... until 3 weeks ago... when husband upset about my spending money on house wiring (which is unsafe).... and no word from him since.
I do think for H that his family and their views on relationships contribute to where he is. I think H has unresolved family issues contributing to relationship problems... H father married 2x, mother 3x, older sister divorced 2x, younger sister 1x, nephew 1x and 3 years later still not married to live-in girlfriend, niece sep recently after <1 yr of marriage (though couple for 7 years).
I've learned in the last year that H younger sister was sexually molested by older sister's 1st husband... and older sisters' 2nd husband tried to have sex with her 17 yr old daughter. Maybe there is some old abuse issues that I am not aware. My husband is short/slim build and soft spoken and H could have been mistaken as being gay or been abused in the past. If H won't open up to me.... or anyone else.... things won't improve.
H uncle (who H was named after) shot and killed ex-wife of 10 years and himself a couple of years ago on a holiday). H was quite upset about killings... H indicated that he would have killed uncle.... if uncle had not committed suicide. Maybe there is some control and depression issues that my husband seems to be exhibiting like other men in his family.... uncle and his dad.
Even with separation, I am not thinking of the big D.... would like to leave the door open.... even it takes a year or more. The longer the separation and more I go forward, I may change my mind and decide moving forward with a man that appreciates, loves, and wants to spend more time with me. (I would prefer to not have to become a step mom....I am not the mom type)...so finding another man w/o attachments may be more difficult.
For now, I am lucky to have some important male sounding boards... with other agency work colleagues, friends and neighbors to make up for part of what I am missing from H.
I found a used airdyne exercise bike, which I plan on using it to strengthen my legs and help get back in shape. I've lost over 35 lbs already...and I am getting stronger every day. For my height and frame, I still could lose another 60+ lbs so I am working day by day on my issues.
Our 2 cats are keeping me company more than ususal so they must sense that we need to comfort and support one another... too bad my H doesn't get that! Been playing Mannheim Steam Roller and Kenny G...the music seems to be a reflection of how I feel this year....new to me mellow music reflecting on life so far...with hope for the future.
Thanks for posting the first chapter. You were right, I *did* feel a great deal of relief reading your description of what the "high desire" spouse thinks and feels.
I am a WAW. I left my H in mid-September because I was tired of feeling rejected, lonely, dismissed, and insecure in my marriage. The sad thing is that I really love my H, but my disappointment/sadness in our sex life (or lack thereof) over the years had grown to the point at which I was experiencing trouble sleeping, anxiety attacks and depression.
I'd talked to H about our sex life for years, but he never listened. He was always too tired, or I was being too pressuring.
When I had to start on meds to manage my feelings of despair and sadness, I knew something in our relationship had to change. So, I moved out. I hoped that by moving out, he would realize that I was *serious* when I said I was unhappy with our sex life.
We are now, as a result, going to marriage counseling weekly, but he still doesn't seem to understand how important this issue is to me. As I said in counseling, "I can get my emotional needs met through friendship, but sex? I can only get sex from H."
I love my H, but I've realized that I can't live like his room-mate for the rest of my life. I want a relationship in which there's emotional and physical intimacy. Right now, the hurt is running deep enough that I'm prepared to leave my H, if that's what it takes to be with someone who wants to have a healthy sex life (with me! ).
Wishing, Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it very much.
Flicker, I also appreciate your sharing your story. I believe that one of the primary reasons I wrote this book is for people like you. I have seen so much hurt in marriage because of a void in people's intimate relationships. One spouse feels rejected, hurt to the core and angry, the other distant. Unfortunately, too many couples don't discuss feelings about sexuality frankly and when they do, the way they discuss the issues often makes matters worse. Blame and frustration on both parts leads to a sense of hopelessness.
I'm really glad you're going to counseling and I hope that your counselor helps both of you understand what you need to do differently to achieve more intimacy. I also hope s/he is absolutely clear to your husband about the importance of connecting physically. Too many counselors/people buy into the idea that unless you are completely in the mood, sex is out of the question. That's rubbish. When I work with couples I make it perfectly clear that relationships are about loving each other, taking care of each other and being sensitive to each other's needs. This is true about every aspect of marriage. You need to care about your spouses feelings re: how free time is spent, how you manage money, decisions about parenting, where to spend the holidays, who does what around the house and even issues of sexuality. I make sure every couple I meet understands this principle. Relationships are about mutual care-taking. If more couples understood this principle, I would be out of work. And wouldn't that be nice?
So, Flicker, read the book, ask your husband to read it too and let me know what you think. Michele
Your books made an immense impression on my life, and I'm eager to read this one, too. The message is oh so timely! "Ultimate Sex" is promised everywhere around us -- how can normal humans compete and be satisfied?
It was a year ago this month that I picked up DR -- and it picked ME up out of my despair. My H had left home, was dating young women -- it was unthinkable, unbearable. But you gave me a plan, and (I'm still amazed) it has worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are back together. We are having a lot of sexy fun. Things are on the mend.
You know this already, but I have to say it again:
Thanks for your reply. You are so right that marriage is about mutual caretaking. What I found is that, after years of feeling rejected, I became less and less interested in meeting my husband's needs. I felt sucked dry emotionally and incapable of caring for him in the way I knew I should. He, in turn, became even less motivated to meet my needs... and around and around we went.
So now we're stuck. He says in counseling, "I can't change, accept it." I say, "Well, I can't go back to our old relationship." How do you get past this type of impasse?
I guess I'll have to wait until your book hits the stands? Any advice would be appreciated.
I just wanted to say I just placed an order for your book.
Hopefully in time we will be able to add a great sex life to our marriage.
Don't get me wrong it's not bad, but does sometimes get to the points you mentioned and Id like to avoid these, we have enough problems to work on let alone inviting more.
Debby
How many times and for how long can one person go on like this ?
Michelle, I havent posted for 3 years. I just got your email about the sexstarved marriage. If anyone knows what that can do to a person its me. I read my own words in your article from one of my most painful posts.
"This lack of sex is more than just a lack of physical attention... It goes deep into a woman's heart. I think in a normal marriage, a couple can fight about anything, but then they can make love and soothe the bad feelings... sort of like a rebirth.. a forgiving ritual. But when you are deprived of even that, bitterness and resentment and desperation accumulate.
I have a husband who is a good guy, great father, good provider, but I have no lover. I'm angry about the wasted years, the years I could have been loving, but spent agonizing about why I was being deprived. It's so much more than sex. It's feeling wanted, and sexy and desired by the man that you are committed to for life. "
I agonized over this. It was the center of my life because I was taught that my marriage should be the center of my life, and it really was. But to be so devoted to a marriage that made me so unhappy and rejected only made me crazy.
In that quote I ironically made the statement "in a normal marriage". Mine was not the typical marriage where both people genuinely care about each other but have an issue with sex. I was married to a narcissist and he really didnt care how unhappy I was. It wasnt an issue for him. Sex was a burden, not because of his lack of desire, He had all kinds of desire in his mind for anything but me. I dont think he ever even cheated... He had a profound fear of intimacy and sex to him was something to avoid because it represented more...the fact that I might expect him to love me..and sex was pressure for him to show it. It wasnt bordom..it was fear and loathing the fact that there might be, and should be, more to it than sex.
A narcissist views his wife as an object, not a person and her needs and desires are an annoyance. He genuinly did not care about me and trying to work on it was even more demoraizing and depressing. He gave me endless reasons why I was less than desirable to him and all of them were mearly because I was me. This was nothing short of emotional abuse and when it was addressed it was defended and justified.
You cant change another person if they just dont have the capacity to care about you. For years I tried to become whatever it was he said he wanted...but i couldnt be me. Thats not a marriage...so its over now.
Reading what I had posted when I was in the deepest agony over what to do about my loveless passionless touchless rejected in every way a woman could be rejected marriage brings back exactly what I felt then. Being out of it now I KNOW im better off with NOONE than disreguarded and demoralized for the rest of my life for the sake of a pseudo marriage that was never a marriage and never would have been no matter what I did.
Sometimes its not healthy to stay in a relationship. Lack of sexual desire is not always from those reasons you note. It can also be a pathological controlling manipulative personality disorder and in that case there can be no hope.
I applaud you for your focus on this topic for those who are faithfully involved and not getting those important needs met by the only person that they can legitimately go to, or just go without. Its a horrible position to be in and it hurts into the human soul. I know. Sandi
I can't wait for the whole book, I agree with Bridget...You do Rock.
I have been a member of this BB since late April, and it wasn't until I found your books and this board that I had hope and a plan...I'm still working.
In reading the first chapter, of course I saw many parallels to my own marriage, and I was too young to realize that the magic you have when you first get together doesn't just remain...you have to work at it, and talk about things. I wish I could go back with the wisdom of my mid-thirty years and fix that tiny crack that slowly eroded my marriage of 14 years. But I'm glad to have the now, and the tools you provide to make relationships work.
Right before my H moved out, I was able somehow to revive our sexual relationship that had been dormant for the better part of 4 years, we had more sex in that six week period than we had the whole of the 4 years prior. I did whatever I had to get it, and honestly, I think it scared the *&^% out of my H, that reconnecting...gave him doubts and made him flee. But at least I still knew I could still get to him. It was a real lesson to me in how important that connection was. My advice to all of my friends, especially the ones who say 'everything is great' is to keep that sexual thing alive, no matter what you have to do. I learned the hard way. I think that reading this should be a premarital requisite for all.
Thank you for all that you do. Wishing you a wonderful New Year. Karen
irish2 
You and your family a wonderful Year..... 
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