Well, yesterday made 8 weeks. Today is the 17th anniversary of our first date. He came last night and got all of his big, more costly things (motorcycle, bad boy buggy, big green egg, etc,). He'll be moving out of his parents motorhome Tuesday and into one of their rent houses. He's still paying the bills but not providing gas, grocery, etc. money. I'm still looking for a job. I've gotten food stamps and Medicaid for the first time in my life. The papers have been ready for me to sign for quite a while but I can't do it. He's paying the bills, food stamps cover groceries, Medicaid covers medical, and when I get a job, it'll cover gas and spending money. There's still been no clear explanation as to what happened. He still tells the kids no when they ask him to come home. Our deacon is convinced that he's depressed and doesn't know what he's doing. I invited him over to have a drink last night (which we never do) and he refused bit instead brought his cousin with him to get his stuff. Took that to mean he had protection from me talking or trying something. Still just doing the one day at a time thing. I do not understand how after 17 years together, one can just up and leave with no warning and nothing happening in years to warrant such a thing.
As for my post regarding mediator vs. L, I have always taken great pride in my ability to teach myself vast amounts of things. I always have and always will. Yes, it is my responsibility to teach myself and I'm good at doing so. However, I was thrown into this with no warning. Not only has my husband left but I've also got to briskly figure out what to do about protecting myself, how to handle finances with no job, keep up a house by myself (which is nothing new), care for two children and their every need, find a job, apply for government assistance, keep logs of every breath taken by everyone for the attorney, bring my kids where they need to go, attend church and counseling with the deacon, read up on what I can do to save my marriage, make sure that my H gets every document he needs to pay the bills along with reminders REPEATEDLY, find a moment to grieve, ETC., ETC. So I have to admit that I don't think it all that irresponsible to hope that someone might send a little info my way to spare me one thing not to have to teach myself.
I'm hoping that his moving to the rent house will be a positive for my marriage. Maybe he'll get lonely out there in the boonies and start to miss me, miss us. Maybe his cousin who lives near and just reconciled with his wife will somehow influence him to work things out.
I see no positives. Everyday seems the same: wake up, take care of kids and other responsibilities, get dressed to maybe get a call for an interview (which hasn't happened in 2 months), pray a bunch, leave him alone about us, and go to bed at night hoping something good will happen the next day. How am I to keep doing this? Nothing is working. How do I keep it up with no encouraging signs?
I've tried not speaking at all, I've tried acting like I don't care, I've tried inviting him over to hang out as friends, I've tried expressing my desire for him, and now I don't know what to do. I want my H so badly. He doesn't care about anyone except himself. He refuses to bring my kids to church when they're with him. I think that's because he might feel guilty and he might view it as a type of counseling that he repeatedly refuses no matter who brings it up. His cousin told me that he doesn't think he'll come back.
I need to know how to get him back or how to find a switch to flip so that I will start not caring and can move on. Who am I kidding? I couldn't flip that switch if I found it. I need money to call a coach.
I see no positives. Everyday seems the same: wake up, take care of kids and other responsibilities, get dressed to maybe get a call for an interview (which hasn't happened in 2 months), pray a bunch, leave him alone about us, and go to bed at night hoping something good will happen the next day. How am I to keep doing this? Nothing is working. How do I keep it up with no encouraging signs?
The only way to keep it up is to start finding more friends and family and activities that are positive to keep you distracted during this period as time passes. A watched pot is not going to boil. And it might not boil anyway!
Sorry to hear you are having a rough week. But glad if he is yelling less.
You said, "Our deacon is convinced that he's depressed and doesn't know what he's doing."
He's probably right. He's in a fog you can't change. It's like a death. It is very hard. Reach out to your friends and fammily for support and try to distract yourself with positive activities if you can. A job hunt alone is stressful. Much less all of this!
Thank you for the response. It is all very stressful. Actually that doesn't begin to describe it. I've tried to spend time with everyone but it usually doesn't take my mind off of things. I know everyone is tired of hearing about it. I'm tired of living it. It's all I think about. It seems the only people that could help are the ones that aren't there (his family--except his sister, she's there) and so it's hard that the people in my life right now can do nothing to help the situation. I need to know why. It's eating me alive not knowing why this is happening. There is no OW. I realized today something his mother did. For Mother's Day, one of the things she gave me was a mug that read "Love is patient, love is kind, love never fails". My last talk with her was on Apr 20th when she told me to give up after finally talking to him the night before. I wonder if she called and told me that only to kiss up to him because of him being angry with her fir encouraging me to hold on to hope. I wonder if that mug was her way of secretly telling me that she didn't mean what she said that day and to encourage me to not give up. I know that I am starting to get depressed. Not that I don't gave reason but should I take an anti-depressant? I'm not one to let everything go to hell because I'm upset. I trudge through and do what I need. That's what I'm doing but it's VERY hard.
And although I do spend time with family and friends, I wear a mask most of the time or just don't talk. I don't want to talk to anyone unless they'll listen or give me answers. Am I losing it? I'm a sociable person normally. I have to pretend now.
You're are not losing it. You are normal. A lot of women in your situation on these boards wind up on anti-depressants for a few months. If you get to the point where you are not sleeping or miserable, just get assessed for it. You can choose at that time to take them or not.
Unfortunately there may never be an answer to the "why." That's the hardest part. If he did this before in the past when depressed, that's probably the why.
Don't know what to say about your MIL and whether or not she holds out hope. I'm sure she'd rather see her son not dumping his children.
You're grieving right now and that's why you feel like you have to wear a mask. Hope some positive comes your way this week.
Someone please tell me what my next approach should be. We still never talked about this. It's been two months. I've periodically tried going dark, going dim, I've chased a little after telling him that I couldn't see or talk to him. I've not signed papers. Seems financially that would screw me right now since I've gotten govt asst for food and healthcare and he's paying the bills. I took a fourth of a nerve pill before having to see him at ball practice today. We did not speak except for him to ask about cell bill and for me to tell him I'd give him S12's ball pics next practice. He's moving into rent house of his parents. Do I continue ignoring him and not speaking? Do I do something different? I need a plan.
