My husband has been having an affair since January. He knows I know but continues to do it. We've been living in separate bedrooms since. I've been working with a DB coach since early March and I've been taking care of me, doing things that make me happy and such. We switched cars this morning so he could change the oil in my car and he's got paper work for apartments in in backseat. I think he's thinking of moving out. How do I handle this? If he wants to move out, do I move straight to the "no contact" or do I just keep being "happy?" My next session with my DB coach isn't until next week! Help!
Me - 28 H - 29 M - almost 3 years No kids Affair - 1/22/10 to TBD
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
sorry you are here...i found myself in the same place you are in now about 2 months ago. first of all...take a deep breath. him moving out is not the end of things. you do need to take care of yourself, especially if your H is having an affair. set some boundaries, let him know you will not tolerate him living with you while he's having an A with this woman. are you really ok sharing a house, let alone a bed, with a man who would continue to pursue a PA when he knows you know??
my H moved out of our apartment about 2 weeks after he told me he was looking. you have to realize that if he wants to move, there is nothing you can do to control it. you can only control your responses to his behavior and his actions. i told my H that i did not want him to go, but if he felt he had to move out, then i understood and wouldn't stop him. i got on with my life. i kept myself busy and surrounded myself with friends. i started going to church again. i got more into my photography. find whatever makes you happy and pursue it. your H will move whether you want him to or not, if that's what he's set his mind on.
think about what you want. try to be calm when you talk to him about it...crying, begging, none of that will work. show him that you do not NEED him in your life...you WANT him there.
how did you discover the A, and have you talked to him about him ending things with OW?
again, sorry you are here. but we're all here to help!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
I'm sorry about your difficulties. It sounds like you've been making smart choices for helping yourself and your marriage.
I don't know that my way is the best way, but I'm not sure I'd mention the apartment papers to him. That might open the door for a discussion and actually accelerate his moving out. I'd make him be the one to bring it up and be forced to explain his intentions.
You may get different advice from others, and they likely know more than I!
Is there any way to move up your next coaching session? That might help, too.
Thank you Trytryagain and Number 8. Sometimes you just need a pep talk. We've been living in separate bedrooms since I discovered the affair. He keeps trying to hid the fact that it continues but I know it's still going on. For the first month, I confronted him on everything. Crying, begging, pleading didn't work so that's why I'm on the "make me happy" bit now. its been hard but helpful. I will not confront him on the paperwork for the apartments but wait for him to talk to me about it. If he wants to go then I'll let him go. I'll make sure he knows that it isn't what I want, but if it's what he wants, there isn't anything I can do about it. But do I start the no contact thing? He's actually talking to my DB coach tomorrow. She wanted to get his side and he agreed to do it. My appointment is next week. I made the appointments last week. She's booked solid.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
until he moves out, you will obviously have to have some sort of contact with him. work on making those interactions pleasant and conflict-free. it's great that he's agreed to talk to your coach. i didn't even tell my H i was talking to one, i told him i was talking to a "life coach." be strong!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Tough question about the "no contact" thing, brenalim. So much of the DB/DR stuff is trial and error, and it always depends on each person's situation.
If it were me, I would think about a few things. For instance, if you choose to have no contact, what would you like to see happen? What goal(s) would you have for your period of no contact (or what would you like for the no contact to accomplish)? Will you respond if he contacts you? How long are you willing to go with no contact? Do you think no contact would help or hurt your relationship?
Hope things are going well for you. Keep us updated on things.
be strong!