I spent Saturday at a required county seminar for divorcing parents. It was surprisingly really good, with two dynamic speakers that actually told the truth. There were about 40 people attending, and only a few couples. I got a lot out of it, and it helped me get more focus back where I need it: my kids.
The wife and kids were returning from their trip late Saturday afternoon. According to our agreement, saturday was still W's day, so I decided to just go straight to my gig. Both kids really wanted to spend Saturday evening with their friends anyway.
I dreaded the drive home saturday night. I had been texting with my kids all night, but I was still surprised when I got home and discovered that W was not there. I hadn't spoken to her since I confronted her on the phone about the OM.
I was left with D17's explanation (wish she was not involved this way): W will be staying at a friends house for the night. It's a small relief, but D17 was pretty distraught.
I also found out that, after I had confronted W over the phone, she sat both kids down and told them about the other man. She felt like she had to say something before I did. I had decided that I would never tell my kids about it. W tried to explain it away by saying they were just friends, and we weren't really married anymore anyway. S14! may have bought it, but D17 didn't really. I think it was a terrible mistake for W to tell them anything about it. I can tell that D17 knows he is more than just a friend.
This morning, I called W and was relieved that she answered. I told her that I wanted to have a calm conversation about what was going on so that her and I could work together of the kid's sakes. She confirmed what D17 had said, and that she was apartment shopping at the very moment. She doesn't wants to avoid seeing me, and we agreed that I would leave the house long enough for her to get more things. It does not look like she will move across the country...yet. I've lost all trust of her.
We talked for over an hour, pretty calm the entire time. She's very angry and said that my behavior last week was unacceptable and outrageous. I said I called her once, and it was to be expected that I would object to her betrayal. She repeated that we aren't really married anymore, and I said regardless I wouldn't expect a friend of 18 years to treat me that way. She accepted it. She explained the OM's wife's reaction to my phone call. OM is divorcing her because she's had multiple affairs: big surprise, right?
Overall, it was a positive conversation. We are both agreeing that we need to work together for the kids, and that we shouldn't be in the same house anymore. As it's always been, when I'm calm and I lead we get better results.
She just texted me to say that she can be in an apartment by Wednesday. I'm both relieved and very sad as the death of my M becomes more real each day.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
It's strange that the LBS has to be the leader in coparenting, but I feel that's fallen on me too. Good for you for doing that. You'll always have reason to feel proud of that. Your W moving out will be quite a milestone...I hope that you can be gentle with yourself and get some support. (((Awoken)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Awoken, Glad you had a good parenting seminar. I'm not surprised. No matter how good it was or wasn't, you brought your sincere best-fathering "A" game, no doubt.
This
Originally Posted By: Awoken
I also found out that, after I had confronted W over the phone, she sat both kids down and told them about the other man. She felt like she had to say something before I did.
is reprehensible and totally irresponsible and inexcusable! I'm so sorry.
Originally Posted By: Awoken
W tried to explain it away by saying they were just friends, and we weren't really married anymore anyway.
Script. Fog. Guilt assuaging BS! Not married? Shameless.
Originally Posted By: Awoken
Overall, it was a positive conversation. We are both agreeing that we need to work together for the kids, and that we shouldn't be in the same house anymore. As it's always been, when I'm calm and I lead we get better results.
Not surprising. Someone has to be the adult in this situation (and the better parent) and that is you! Keep leading. Lead your children through and out of this mess. You're an admirable man and father.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thanks Gardener and Flowmom. All good affirmations that I need to hear tonight.
It's official, she's signed a lease on a new apartment, and will move in there on Wednesday. She's staying at a friends house in the meantime. This afternoon she texted to ask me to leave the house while she gathered some of her things.
I think it's odd that now she appears to have more trouble seeing me in person than I will seeing her. She may be feeling some guilt. She texted me three times tonight; said she was sorry I was sad, and thought I would be happy she was out of the house. I told her it was better this way, but of course I'm not happy the way things are ending. Then I turned off my phone.
During her visit to the house to get her stuff, she presented her plans to the kids telling them all about her new apartment. D17 is excited because it's next to two of her best friends homes. Both D17 and S14! seem excited about a new place to live, but at the same time I think they are both quite sad. As am I.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Awoken - I know this is tough but you are sounding strong and that is what counts!
Originally Posted By: Gardener
W tried to explain it away by saying they were just friends, and we weren't really married anymore anyway.
Script. Fog. Guilt assuaging BS! Not married? Shameless.
I can't agree enough with this, it is total script! Cheating spouses have to find a way to justify their actions and this seems to be one of the first steps towards compartmentilization...we are not really togther. When I did my last confrontation back in Feb, my W said..."we are not together anymore". This one is a great opportunity for a truth dart regarding the fact that you ARE still very much M. Sorry, but this one gets to me as it is very highschoolish like they can just break up with you and move on in an instant to follow their muse.
I know that it sucks that your W found an apartment but actually, this may help you heal. I told my therapist on Friday that living with my W is preventing me from healing and moving forward and she agreed. You have fear over this, I know. Keep facing it like you have been so far and you will be fine. You are a good man and a good father and you will thrive no matter what!
((Awoken)) What Gardener said... Things should start looking up from here. It's good that the kids are seeing some positive in the situation. You've come a LONG way.
Originally Posted By: Awoken
geez; how do I fix my signature to include my thread? I updated it when I started this thread, but it just shows the html code now. arrggg!
Try this instead... Awoken's Current Thread [*url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1974219#Post1974219]Awoken's Current Thread[*/url]
