I know this is alot, but Im trying to get you up to speed!!
My H came home from a hunting trip in Oct 2009, and told me he was 'alright with being a divorced single dad of two.' Things in our house had been very tense for the atleast the last two years. Things were tense in our marriage because we worked opposite shifts and started to spend less and less time together once our kids were born. When we would have a fight, he would go out of his ways to get in my face and scream at me, call me names to the point were I was scared. So many times I would tell him 'I want a divorce', just so he would get out of my face and leave me alone. (something that I wish I never would have said)
Before he left on this trip he was very stressed out and was acting very strange, so I took the boys up to my parents a few days before he left so he could relax and get ready for this trip. He took a nice gesture, as I wanted a divorce. Apparently after I left with the kids, he had an affair with a woman that he works with.
My H started acting different around the time when our 2nd son was born on St. Patty’s day 2009. He kept saying that ‘he never wanted him and that he only gave me our 2nd son to shut me up.’ He would freak out every time the baby would cry, saying he didn’t know what to do. Even though he had just done it 2 years earlier with our other son. He always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t take care of the kids on his own, which meant that I rarely left the house. Which put even more tension in our marriage because I was a stay at home mom, who was stressed out.
Then in May 2009, his parents came to our house and informed him that they were getting a divorce. It turns out my FIL had an A while he worked at another college in another state. Ever since my H and I have been together, his parents have always seemed to be at odds. My ILs never showed affection, my MiL always criticizd my FIL (we both were very bad about criticizing each other in our M). In my eyes my ILs M was a loveless marriage, which is what my H was starting to see in our marriage. So ever since my husband found this new information out he seemed to pick fights with me on a daily basis. I tried very hard to avoid them, but I would get defensive and fight back. He always told me that ‘he feeds off my moods, which wasn’t fair bc I was always stressed out. (Due to being unemployed and the fact that the bills were piling up)
Then in July 2009, he topped his bad behavior at a company golf outing. Before he went, I asked him not to drink to much, because it’s a work function and guys from corporate will be there. While he went golfing I took the boys to Chicago with my parents. When I returned home, I found him passed out naked in our bathroom at 830pm. Apparently, the now, OW drove him home. I don’t know if anything happened between them that night, and I don’t want to know. He told me afterwards, that it was nice to be able to go out and do the stuff that he never got to do in college.
A little more background info—when my H was younger, his family moved around a lot due to his dad’s job. H was spoiled and got whatever he wanted, especially when he missed behaved. His parents and grandparents couldn’t control him, so their way to control him was to give him everything he wanted. He especially had issues growing up with his mom. His dad was hardly around due to his job. In college, my H lived at home with his parents, so he didn’t go to any college parties or go out to the bars like normal college students do. (but neither did I) Then we got married shortly after I graduated from college. My H has told me that the OW is me before we got married. OW is younger, no kids, just graduated from college. He told me when this all come out that he wants to experience the single life, he wants to travel and he wants to do what he wants to do. But from what I hear from him and other people, him and OW are glued to each other. I haven’t heard him mention anything about the guys he used to hang around with. He has become consumed with wanting to have sex, that was one of his biggest complaints about our marriage was that we didn’t have enough.
So now I am doing what I can do, GAL and trying to move forward. I know I cannot change him, but I hope he continues to go to IC, so that he can sort thru all of these issues.
XH 30 W 29 M 5/Together 9 2 boys ages 3 and 1 Bomb of OW 10/2009 Divorce final 7/2010 Now in limbo
jtish - the board is a little slow due to the holiday weekend. Hang in there advice will be forth coming. There are resources located at the top of the page. I'm not computer savvy enough to link them in for you. Sorry you find yourself here but there are great people who know what you're going through to help you along.
Don't know if your H is in MLC or not but MLC = Selfishness. There will be more experienced DBers along to comment about your sitch and how to proceed.
Jtish - Sorry that you find yourself here - hugs to you. THere are many of us in similar situations, the Old Guard will be along to give you the links for the information on MLC.
My H too has an OW, in his case she is an old girlfriend that he knew when he was 16. So when he is with her, he gets to imagine he is 16 again. He is extremely selfish too, like a teenager would be. They all seem to do this, its called 'replay' behavior where they try to go back in time. Everything they do is based in fantasy. Right now you can't compete with that and it sucks that you have to be the adult. This is a long tortuous process for everyone involved.
Hang in there, I'm sure more folks will post soon. I hope you can enjoy your easter, celebrate for you.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
My H is acting very selfish right now and has been for several years. What he wants always can before what was best for our family. He may have had good intentions. He is acting like he is back in high school or college, instead of a grown man with a wife and kids.
Currently, he gone out an purchased a kayak and new clothes, and I'm sure more stuff. All to impress this OW. He worries more about OW feeling than he does about his own kids. When this all came out, he was suppose to go over to tell her that he wanted to work on his family. But when he got there she started crying and he felt bad for her, so he didn't. Rather he came home to me and told me that he wanted to be single. It didn't matter that I had told him that I still loved him and that I was crying, apparently it was too late for me.
And everytime he sees our kids, he feels he needs to buy them things. I have asked him not to do this, because it is sending the wrong message. I told him they would rather spend time with you.
Well the boys and I are headed out to go to the zoo, then maybe come back and spend time with the rest of the family.
XH 30 W 29 M 5/Together 9 2 boys ages 3 and 1 Bomb of OW 10/2009 Divorce final 7/2010 Now in limbo
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
I have always known my husband was depressed and had unresolved issues from his childhood. He has opened up to me a few times in the past but nothing recently. When I would suggest that he go and talk to a therapist, he refused and said that he didn't believe in them. I mainly asked him to do this, because when I would offer my suggestion on how to maybe fix or help the situation, he would get very upset and then it would cause fights between us. I know he has gone to see a therapist, but I don't think his therapist is doing him much good. To me it seems like the therapist is helping to feed into his selfish behavior. I wish that my husband would be put on some meds, I think this would help him tremenously. My FIL has even said that H should have been put on meds when he was younger, but they never did it.
My H had made several comments over the past few months that lead me to believe that he still is uncertain about alot of things. In an email, he has said that down the road if get back together we will deal with the OW issue. Or I'm just not feeling the love I need to stop the divorce. When H moved into his new apt, he told me 'there just isn't enough room here for all 4 of us.' His mixed messages have me so confused as to what is going on.
But I know as long as his 'new' so called friends and OW keep showing him this new lifestyle, there is no chance for the boys and I in his life. He has even gone as far to tell me that he has learned he needs sex everyday. But I truely feel that the sex is just a cover up for all the pain that he feels inside.
So all I can do is, GAL for now. I am getting ready to sign my 3 yr old and 1 yr old up for swimming lessons. Not to mention, I need to go shopping for clothes for my new job. Since all of this came out in OCt 2009, I have lost over 40 lbs, so none of my old dress clothes fit anymore.
XH 30 W 29 M 5/Together 9 2 boys ages 3 and 1 Bomb of OW 10/2009 Divorce final 7/2010 Now in limbo
The confusion is actually a good thing. It would certainly indicate a MLC.
Quote:
I have lost over 40 lbs, so none of my old dress clothes fit anymore.
Welcome to the MLC diet. You need to take care of your self and if you want to continue to lose weight that is OK but understand that it is also a sign of your own depression. Take a look at the stages of the LBS and you can see your progress in journey.
I needed to loose the 40 lbs. I had two kids withing 3 yrs and gained 70 lbs with each boy. The stress helped me to loose the weight, and the anti-depressant my doc put me on also is helping me to loose the weight.
I have read DR, but I just purchased DB the other day. Kinda reading them out of order, but Barnes and noble didn't have DB when I bought DR. DR is the book that my H has. That I asked him to read, because I thougth the first part of the book about how it affects kids and how divorce isn't the anwser might help him to see thru the fog. I don't know if he has read it or not. I try not talkn to him about anything other than the boys. He just called to talk to the boys, and our oldest didn't want to talk. H hasn't talked to him since last week Wednesday.
My H tends to get depressed when he doesn't see or talk to the boys in a few days. Which I'm sure is starting to cause problems between him and OW. She doesn't understand the emotional roller coaster that he has become, again. She thought in the beginning, when she was persuing him, that all of his issues were bc of me, but now she is starting to see what I have been dealing with for the past serveral years.
But I continue to work on the GAL and wearing a smile on my face. This morning I signed both of my boys up for swimming lessons, which I get to do with them. And went shopping for new clothes for the job that I am going to be accepting this afternoon. Time to start fresh without him. But still holding on to hope that he starts to realize what he has done.
XH 30 W 29 M 5/Together 9 2 boys ages 3 and 1 Bomb of OW 10/2009 Divorce final 7/2010 Now in limbo
