embracing change

[flowmom]

I do see a shift in you, though, which may be harder for you to see/feel b/c you're with yourself every day. Maybe it's more of a shift in attitude and more PMA now that I'm seeing, and you haven't felt a concrete "action-oriented" change yet. Whatever it is, it's movement in a positive direction.

Thanks for putting it this way Alice. That's a helpful way for me to look at it. I feel like I'm making progress, but also feeling frustrated because I'm not getting some of the results that I'm looking for (i.e. consistently earning money to the maximum extent of my work availability).

Another reason to earn money is that the autism diagnosis is very unlikely at this point. The professionals are saying that he HAS the skills even though he cannot consistently and appropriately use them. That is great news for his future, but super frustrating that we are not entitled to the funding to get the services that he needs. I feel that starting interventions now (especially occupational therapy) could make a huge difference and I need to find a way of making that possible even if we can't get funding.

[rr22]

Getting out with colleagues and friends and away from the sitch sounds like it was only positive.

I'm thinking about your beliefs you're working on. They're more like wishes and reasonable ones at that.

Maybe try to reframe as "well, this is just the stuff H was not always able to provide during the marriage too. so why would i get it now?"

ugly logic

[flowmom]

Well folks, it's been five months of separation as of today. Hard to believe.

[newmama]

5 months of separation...has the time gone by fast? has it all been tortuous? has it been a blur?

[Gardener]

fm,

Hard to believe.

Ain't it though? Always is.
How are you?

[flowmom]

Newmama, right now it seems like it's gone pretty fast. When the separation happened, I told myself that I would not act until the six month mark, then I would evaluate the situation and decide how to proceed. I feel a tiny bit of pressure from that self-imposed deadline, but I realize that I don't have to be bound by that. I am satisfied by my progress and frankly all the legalities are a distraction from earning money, emotionally coming to terms, and making the most of our short summer. So I'm in no rush to move that forward. And from a place of a little more detachment I still think about H, wonder what's going on in his head, etc, but I don't find it intrusive any more. I can let go of those thoughts and bring my focus back to me and my life. I am starting to get thoughts of "maybe I should *do* something to reach out to H" again, but I think I'll let those thoughts go too.

Gardener, my PMA hasn't been that great in the past couple of days. My sister is going through some tough stuff in her M and it's starting to really upset me. Her H mentioned D in anger during a trivial argument last weekend...so obviously she has a sitch on her hands . Their little boy is 2 years old. She feels that he is borderline verbally/emotionally abusive towards her and said he hated her in anger twice in the last couple of months. This stuff is not in character for him, but something is triggering him and he's taking it out on her.

It's really hard for me to be detached about members of my family of origin. Their pain and crises create an extreme desire to rescue on my part...obviously not a healthy response on my part.

I am also having feelings of loneliness at times. I have friends and I have my children, but some days I just want someone to sit quietly with, or someone to hold me.

Yesterday I also had an upsetting incident of having to force S6 up a flight of stair into our apartment when he was misbehaving and I realized that I can barely physically control him anymore when he is flailing and fighting to get away and I am trying to keep us both safe. I feel really freaked out about raising him without a man in the house . I mentioned my concerns about not being able to physically control S to H, and he basically blamed me for it because S hadn't gotten enough exercise (due to circumstances mostly beyond my control). I should have expected that he wouldn't be able to validate me, but it still hurt because he understands more than anyone what I am dealing with.

I did spend the day in the field today and it felt great so that was helpful. Earning money helps too.

[alice444]

Newmama, right now it seems like it's gone pretty fast. When the separation happened, I told myself that I would not act until the six month mark, then I would evaluate the situation and decide how to proceed. I feel a tiny bit of pressure from that self-imposed deadline, but I realize that I don't have to be bound by that. I am satisfied by my progress and frankly all the legalities are a distraction from earning money, emotionally coming to terms, and making the most of our short summer. So I'm in no rush to move that forward.

(((((FM)))))

You're absolutely right, you do not need to do anything by any deadline, and if you set one, it's always movable however it suits you. Sounds like you already know that, but just wanted to reiterate. I think enjoying the summer with our kids- for all of us- sounds fabulous.

And from a place of a little more detachment I still think about H, wonder what's going on in his head, etc, but I don't find it intrusive any more. I can let go of those thoughts and bring my focus back to me and my life. I am starting to get thoughts of "maybe I should *do* something to reach out to H" again, but I think I'll let those thoughts go too.

I see this as more progress- in my CBT work my IC calls this "your witness" or "noticing", which is the first step towards changing your thoughts and hence, your emotions and reactions. Sounds like you are much more aware of this stuff than you were a few months ago and are able to make choices about whether or not to act on or ignore them.

Gardener, my PMA hasn't been that great in the past couple of days. My sister is going through some tough stuff in her M and it's starting to really upset me. Her H mentioned D in anger during a trivial argument last weekend...so obviously she has a sitch on her hands . Their little boy is 2 years old. She feels that he is borderline verbally/emotionally abusive towards her and said he hated her in anger twice in the last couple of months. This stuff is not in character for him, but something is triggering him and he's taking it out on her.

It's really hard for me to be detached about members of my family of origin. Their pain and crises create an extreme desire to rescue on my part...obviously not a healthy response on my part.

I am so sorry your sister is having a tough time- I care deeply about people close to me as well and it's hard not to rush in and save them. Keep a reserve for yourself- she will be able to shoulder some of it herself with support from you and others- but you need to be there for you, too.

I am also having feelings of loneliness at times. I have friends and I have my children, but some days I just want someone to sit quietly with, or someone to hold me.

I can relate to feeling like this. I'm sorry you don't have this- children and friends aren't quite the same.

Yesterday I also had an upsetting incident of having to force S6 up a flight of stair into our apartment when he was misbehaving and I realized that I can barely physically control him anymore when he is flailing and fighting to get away and I am trying to keep us both safe. I feel really freaked out about raising him without a man in the house . I mentioned my concerns about not being able to physically control S to H, and he basically blamed me for it because S hadn't gotten enough exercise (due to circumstances mostly beyond my control). I should have expected that he wouldn't be able to validate me, but it still hurt because he understands more than anyone what I am dealing with.

I can't say I understand b/c I haven't been in your shoes. But in my former career I worked every day with parents of kids who had various difficulties and developmental, learning and behavioral issues/disorders. I was so sad and scared for a few of the moms whose boys had become teens and just like you're describing- they were physically unable or even afraid of trying to control their kids when they needed to. It's a time when a strong male figure - emotionally and physically- could really help out. (sorry, don't mean to scare you more, but I think you have a good chance of NOT having things turn out like this if you keep working with S6 now-) I hope your H realizes that he must participate in and support your son's behavioral changes and support you- it's so easy to blame someone else rather than just dealing with it. I don't know how so many M's survive having a child with special needs of any sort- it is so hard. I *really* hope you can get him some OT/other services to help teach him self-soothing and other strategies as early as possible. What ever happened with the gal who you were hopeful could help you with a parenting plan and had PDD/autism experience?

I did spend the day in the field today and it felt great so that was helpful. Earning money helps too.

That's awesome! You are taking what probably feel like baby steps to you in terms of your career, but this is good progress and I hope you can recognize and feel good about it!

(((FM))))

[newmama]

When the separation happened, I told myself that I would not act until the six month mark, then I would evaluate the situation and decide how to proceed. I feel a tiny bit of pressure from that self-imposed deadline, but I realize that I don't have to be bound by that.

Well it's like the timelines that contractors give when building a new house...they estimate that it will be done by a certain time but then inevitably, other factors start to get in the way and the deadline gets set back! You wouldn't want to move into that house without the kitchen or staircases completed, even though JUNE 30 was the proposed move in date!


But what does "evaluate the situation at 6 months" mean...it isn't to necessarily mean file for D, right? Or am I misunderstanding?

I mentioned my concerns about not being able to physically control S to H, and he basically blamed me for it because S hadn't gotten enough exercise (due to circumstances mostly beyond my control).

Any chance your H also could have felt a little guilty that he isn't there to help you so he blames you instead?

[rr22]

I hope your sister's M works out. There seems to be a lot of this going around.

[ImprovedRomeo]

(((FM)))

Just catching up...so sorry about what your sister's going through but hopefully it was just some things said in anger and he didn't mean anything. If it's out of character for him please ask your sister to reach out to him to find out if there's something bothering him and if he needs to talk about it. She may have to offer (not push) this a couple of times. At times my daily frustrations resulted in my getting triggered by something little and turned into a huge argument and on top of that my STBXW got upset at me because I got upset. When I just wanted her to reach out to me and ask me a simple 'what's wrong honey? I'm sorry we both acted immaturely but I want to know what's bothering you so I can help you' - that never happened and the resentment built up over time on both sides and finally we stopped valuing eachother...

I know how you feel about the lonliness part and sometimes yearning to be in someone's arms, someone you were in love with, someone who was in love with you, someone you probably felt safe with. It's hard...but with time you'll get stronger and when the time comes you'll be in someone's arms again.

Like Alice, I can't really relate to the physically controlling issue either because the stern tone of voice from me is enough to make poor DD cry (and I feel horrible when that happens even if she was out of line). But it's time that you take control of the reigns, become the alpha female and lead your pack. You have to maintain the alpha status with S6 now or when he's 10+ it's going to be really difficult because I've seen this happen. Whether that means working out so you are physically stronger than you are now (?) or getting help from a child pshycologist or reading a book on the subject. He needs direction and he needs to learn to respect you- and yes it would've been ideal to have a strong father figure in his life but you have to fill that role for now. Uncles, grand fathers usually help too.

((((FM))))