I'm back and looking for insight

[DumpedforMIL]

sandi2 knows best. and i couldn't agree with her more.

But, if the S carries out the bust correctly.....it should not appear as he/she is being vindictive. That's the key word for me. I worry that morebusting is done through venengence rather than letting parents, adult children, and a few close friends know the truth of why the MR is in trouble.

when newcomers post on the board, they are overcome with emotion. actions are emotion-based. in that state of mind, the exposure is driven by 'vindication' rather than letting a light in the dark secret of the WAS.

that's why i don't advise others. yes, i understand the hardline approach but is the person i'm advising ready for that? my approach is to work on the person first. get them out of that emotional turmoil and back to reality. and it is then when they can start doing the real work. the vets can take over from there.

[LauraOh]

[quoteLaura, you're right, that infidelity board is not for the faint of heart. A few years on this board will toughen you up. [/quote]

I can't stop lurking over there.lol. BUT--I see that their hard-hitting approach is a bit over-the-top for me and my sitch. I do need to toughen up around here (my sitch)--my H has no respect for a doormat. But I have to be less tough than those poor guys/gals over there.

I also see now so clearly why my mom's approach didn't work--never will work--when there is an affair. I was over on Kat's thread telling her that story and my poor mom just didn't have a chance. Of course, she is SOOO much better off without my dad that she truly is the "winner" in the end.

Oh--Kat--my mom has never remarried--not that she hasn't been asked a ton. She is an incredible flirt and after my dad, she became quite the slut!! She did get a bit of a bad taste for men in general and then, well, there is her manic depressive side and that would be hard for anyone to live with (she isn't terribly depressed, but becomes SO manic and just is FULL of non-stop energy and gets kinda bitchy).lol. She is a bit of a hoarder in her old age too--very girly stuff and lots of it!lol.

She has just in the past 5 or so years softened about men and I haven't heard her male-bash in a while. She never was able to fully trust. I think if she had something like this forum it would have given her back a lot of the confidence she lost--lurking around here you do see what you could have done and why what you did didn't work. She had none of those resources.

Anyhoo...my sitch is pretty boring right now. Although one interesting development--some checks are apparently "missing" from my H's business checkbook. He has had it hidden away from me and since he took me off as a signor, I can't just call my neighbor that works at the bank and see what's up with them. Oh well, not my problem. He calls me all panicky and I can tell wants me to "do something" but with him taking me off the account, I can't!lol.

Really, this isn't so bad after all. I am always amazed at how much work I no longer have to do around here!lol!

[kat727]

Maybe the Infedlity board is where I took off the rose colored glasses. I was there for nearly 2 years. Surviving is dealing with the after/healing/thriving stuff. Most days I thrive and then I can get spun around a bit.

I was doing pretty good this Spring until the old boyfriend I had reconnected with(not dating just met with)decides to up and start a relationship with some girl he knew from 10 years ago when she was all of 19. He is 46. They have never dated but he moved her back here(really MO)end of June and are now living together. He is 46. They did see each other with family always around a whopping 13 days in a 2 month period prior to this.

I think he has gone into MLC fantasy land. He has 3 kids(one married, one headed off for college just last friday and his baby boy is 16) and she has 2 boys 5 and 4. She knew his kids from her old college days. I have lots of thoughts on this, but if you could give me your 2 cents(or more) I would appreciate it!

Oh and maybe I should throw in, he is doing very well financially.

kat

PS. I am having a hard time letting this go...

[LauraOh]

Kat, you are not ready for a relationship!! You have to heal yourself first, and your posts scream that you are not done in that area yet!! That old boyfriend is a waste of your precious time and energy and brain cells!lol. Keep your eyes on YOU for now.

One of the things you have to do--HAVE TO--is learn how to self-sooth. That is what the GAL and all that is about. You and I and D4ML have to LEARN what it is that it takes to get us OUT of the muck and in a good place no matter what.

I encourage you to go back to those real basics. For me, exercise is a Godsend. The good chemicals, the way it makes me look, the way I can "see" my progress. I picked up some weights 6 years ago (first bomb) and I have an OLD Denise Austin tape and I turn it on when anxious and sick-feeling and just do it. If I still feel that way I do it again. Also walking outside--sunshine--I connect with neighbors. I take my son and we talk. Take one of your kids and make it a special fun time.

And my spiritual faith has gotten me through some rough, rough spots. There are promises God has made to you--not to leave you or forsake you. That he has made you EXACTLY the way you are supposed to be!! There is even a promise that when you go through rough times you will grow in Wisdom and Character!! Without doing anything really but dealing with the rough time!

(I think that is a really awesome one.lol I'm lazy.lol)

I talk to my S when I'm down and ASK him for extra hugs--his little LL is physical touch so he is happy to give that to me!

Learn to ASK your friends for help--I have in the past (but not in a long while) been extremely depressed. The other day I couldn't get out of bed and it freaked me out--I told my son to call my friends when this happens!

I have my amazing neighbors who I have connected wtih in such a deep way that I don't know if there is enough life in me to repay them for all their kindness--I hope I can die trying though! Tell them every single time you see them how much you love and appreciate them. Does anyone ever tire of hearing that they are wonderful??lol.

I read Dr. Laura's Surviving a Bad Childhood and that was a great, great book for me.

It is like I have given myself permission to care about ME for the first time in a long time. You have to do this!! And the weird thing is, it isn't the selfish thing it sounds like. The more I care about me, the more I have to give! I know the difference because my friends problems are not forgotten--I am able to remember what they shared and I can "come out of myself" and help THEM. It's not all about me at all!!

Someday this will pass and because of that hard work you are doing you will be an amazing find--to everyone--your kids, your family, your friends will come to you, and you will be "ready". Right now, not so much.lol. Guys want you OVER that stuff before you date.lol. And if they don't, they are not what you want!!

We don't want to be in the same R with someone new do we? I have a history of ALWAYS picking abusive, selfish men!! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO NO NO NO!!

[kat727]

Ok, I asked! lol I don't think that ex getting remarried hurting a bit is a sign that I am not healed. I do need to remember how to let go, and that has been an issue of late. Heck years from now something may remind me of the divorce and I may be a tad sad but that doesn't mean I am not healed.

Just my issue that I am contending with and maybe I am a bit more sensitive due to the upcoming wedding. Ah well, I will keep on going! And yes I do need to focus on me as I spend a large amount of time focusing on the kids.

kat

[DumpedforMIL]

You and I and D4ML have to LEARN what it is that it takes to get us OUT of the muck and in a good place no matter what.

oh yeah.
you've seen me cycle .. it's almost timed with that time of the month when the hormones are raging and you feel fat from the bloating. hmmmm ... where was i going with that?

we have to learn to put the focus on us during times like these otherwise, we will get into a rut. after you focus on yourself, you will learn to focus on others - be it your kids, your neighbour down the street, or a friend who is a hundred miles away.

this is just part of your life. there are other parts of your life that is still alive and kicking. go and re-discover those parts that have been neglected.

ladies, we can do it.

[kat727]

Oh I hope that didn't come off wrong. I having been doing pretty well other than my lock issue this past weekend. I have been working this through for 4 years...you wouldn't recognize me at all now if you knew me then. Of course I wasn't on the boards then.

Thanks for getting back with me.

[the girl]

Lauraoh, have you seen the book Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage by the Misja brothers?

Regarding sex, forgive me for not having read all your posts, but do you know if he has a porn problem? My H had a raging online porn problem for a few years, where he constantly refused to have sex with me and was either explosively angry or sulking.

I knew he looked at porn, but I didn't know the extent or the content. It was too difficult for me to face. I just blindly trusted him. Now I won't be fooled, and I face it though it is like getting a root canal.

[LauraOh]

Sorry Kat, I did go a bit off there--I just don't want no stinkin' ex-mid-life-crisis boyfriend messin' with ya!! You have been so supportive and a great friend. I know you are on your journey and there are tough times as we get to new levels of fabulousness!!

[kat727]

Thanks Laura! I see the wreck coming in his situation and it makes me wish he knew how to DB. I don't think he really worked through his D but who am I to say. I know if there weren't some feelings for him, I wouldn't care. He isn't asking for advice so I need to keep my mouth shut.

On to a beautiful day! I hope Fall actually gets to stick around this year rather than just being a couple of weeks.

kat