So I had posted on the newcomers forum, but more for a specific thing that happened, and I really think I belong in this forum…
I’ll try to be as brief as possible.
Both in our early 30’s. Together for 8 years, married for 3.
Wife left about 3 months ago. Moved out immediately. I got the INWYBNILWY speech, she said she was sick of having a roommate, and not a husband. I understood where she was coming from, as I thought we had been really stale for a year or so, but I really wanted her to give us a chance to work this out.
She was adamant about not giving us that chance. She said she wanted a divorce as soon as possible.
I have no idea if there is OM… It’s very possible but I did some snooping, found nothing, and stopped.
I was devastated… I did the usual begging for a few weeks, but gave up on that quick. We didn’t talk much for about a month, and then we started emailing and chatting. I told her that I still felt that we should try to see if we could fix our relationship.
She asked me out for coffee. I agreed. We ended up having beers and having a great time.
I asked her if she would like to go on a date with me, and she readily agreed, and said she was looking forward to it.
A week later we spent a whole day together. It was great. I was probably more affectionate towards her than she was expecting, but I was very honest and told her that if she was uncomfortable with anything going on to let me know. She said she was not uncomfortable with any of it.
I pushed her a bit (I know, bad idea) about us getting back together, and all she would say is she wanted to “take it slow” and date and see what happened.
I was cool with dating and taking it as slow as we needed.
One thing I did have a problem with, was us dating other people. I had been on a few dates… Just dinner and drinks, nothing more, and she told me she was also dating, but it was the same as me, and nothing “serious”. She said she was just doing it so she could tell herself “I want to do this, I can do this”… Whatever that means…
I got up the courage to talk to her one day about how I thought that if we were seeing each other again, we should both stop seeing other people, as it would complicate things.
I was calm, not angry at all.
She basically told me to go to hell with that.
She told me she never wanted to get back together with me anyway, and was just dating me “cause I wanted to see you again”.
She said she would not be “exclusive to me”
She said she still wanted a divorce.
I said ok.
She also said a bunch of really, REALLY mean things that I don’t even feel like typing out and reading.
The thing is, she kinda talked out of both sides of her mouth, and I’m confused by it. I told her I wasn’t gonna compete for her with other guys, and she said “You aren’t competing with anyone… None of it is serious.
She also told me that she felt in order for us to “really start over” we needed to divorce, all the while telling me how the changes I’ve made are lies, and I am crazy, but she really “enjoys me again”.
??????
She said over and over “I’m not ready” and “this is too soon”.
I asked her again to give us a chance to get back together, and she said she was done talking about it, and that was that.
I told her if a divorce is what she wants, I won’t stand in her way.
She still wants to be friends, and “maybe get together for a beer again”.
That was 2 weeks ago. I haven’t contacted her since, but I have heard from her. Little things, like emailing me an article she found online that she thought I would like. I always respond and thank her, but that’s it.
I am in full on LRT mode now, but questioning how extreme I should take it.
She has said things that make me think she is open to us getting back together, and only 2 months into the separation was very soon for me to push for it… I did make a mistake there, but she kinda made me think we had a chance there, and I got excited...
I FEEL like I need to back off completely and give her a lot of space, and really make her see what life without me is like. Agree? I think?
I just don’t know how to move forward now. Like I said, I am in LRT… Not contacting her at all and moving on with my life as if she will never be in it again.
Problem is, I want her in it again.
Thanks for reading. Any advice or support is greatly appreciated.
Can you be just "friends" with her? My husband is cheating on me and continues to do so. He mentioned once to me that if we separated he'd want to stay friends. For me, I couldn't be friends with him anymore. I'd need to fall out of love with him so I could have a happy future with someone else. I wouldn't be able to do that if we were still calling/e-mailing/seeing each other. It's up to you in the end. You have to be prepared for whatever may come of your choices.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
I have no idea if I could actually stay friends. I'm hoping she wants to stay friendly with me because of hopes of reconciliation. I really have no idea though.
I gotta say, this whole not contacting her thing is pretty hard. I don't really even know what I would say to her at this point though, so I would probably just end up making a fool of myself again.
I'm really confused as to why shes pushing so hard for a divorce. She has said so many things that shows shes open to us working this out, but they are just words at this point, and she has shown no real interest in it actually happening.
I know I just have to give this time, and worry about myself... I KNOOOOOW!!
It's just hard.
Part of me wants to email her and ask her if we can give the whole "dating" thing another try at some point. I don't mean like next week or anything, but I just wanna throw it out there that even though I'm moving on, I'm still open to her and I trying again when we both feel the time is right.
Maybe the time will never be right.
Maybe I'm fooling myself.
Maybe it is totally over, and I just fail to see it.
Lotsa maybes here.
I need to get on with my life, leave her alone, give her space, and see what time brings. I know this.
Keep working on the 180s, reading, trying to really understand why she feels the ways she does. Plan your life for the next year...where would you put flexible boundaries?
Send the emails if you want. One at a time, be patient so she isn't overwhelemed. If she is, back off a bit.
Ramble as much as you want. I realized a month ago that this stuff is kind of like a record that I tried.
